DS being hassled by older child with SN

[Grugrugru]

DS is in primary school. An older child with moderate SN (they live locally, so we know some of the background) is harassing DS and other primary school children at the bus stop. The older child takes the same school bus, but has started secondary this year. DS is now happier being driven. Harassment seems to be pushing, near the road. Also restrictive 'hugs', which are unwelcome and not reciprocated (I mean it is not back and forth).

Older child is never with their peers and is a boy (currently presenting as a boy), who sometimes presents as female. Rural area and this likely contributes to isolation.

DS is popular, sporty, etc., but just got through their first encounter with a bully in the classroom.

Don't want to deal with the parents in case it backfires (would do if did not live close in a small community). Don't want to speak with other parents as the last thing the older child needs is more isolation. Do we just avoid or speak with the school/s - will do if it escalates, but have been on their case recently regarding the classroom issue. At the moment driving DS and telling him to stay away from the older child, but to be polite about it.

Speak to the respective schools as it sounds like this child isn't able to cope with travelling to/from school unsupervised just yet. Really it's a risk to both children, your DS from unwanted attention and physicality and this other child who clearly doesn't understand boundaries or personal safety and is therefore also vulnerable.

I'd continue driving DS to school.

Is it a public bus or a school bus? If school then I would contact them, it’s clearly not appropriate for an older child to be force hugging younger children regardless of needs. So some other arrangement, that is safe needs to be made.

personally I don’t think you should be telling DS to be polite. Unless you mean polite but very firm. If I were in your shoes I’d suggest DS saying firmly “stop I don’t want a hug” and if they don’t stop then shouting “I said stop”…..unless you think that could be risky.

In all honesty it sounds like adults need to intervene to do some work with the older child about appropriate behaviour and ensure the younger children are safe.

I would make a complaint in writing to the school the boy attends. It sounds like he needs to be given transport to school by the local authority or be chaperoned by an adult for safety reasons. He may have an EHCP in place in which case the parents or school can make an application for transport. It sounds like there is a risk her to other children if he is pushing near the road especially if he is bigger and older and the 'hugs' are unacceptable obviously. You can ask the school to keep your name and your sons name private. You never know they might have received other complaints and this will help them to get transport provided that is safer and more appropriate for this child. Do it as well so that your conscience is clear in case there is some accident.

I'd contact the school. This boy (or girl) should not be getting physical with other children.

The pushing by the roadside is very concerning.

Sign your child up for self defence classes

Thank you all for the replies, writing it down makes it obvious I need to speak to the schools. I will keep driving DS to school. I have spoken to him about keeping away from the older child and saying no strongly and not engaging. It is difficult as it is not a typical interaction. I originally wrote I told DS to be 'polite'. Was trying not to write an essay, but by that I meant being firm in saying to stay away but not being rude or cruel as the older child seems to get a lot of that. The poor kid is obviously struggling massively, but they cannot put younger children at risk. The self defence classes are a good idea in general as DS gets more independent and I will look for a course to attend.

Great idea and glad you're going to look into it.

Definitely speak to both schools. Pushing next to a road sounds very dangerous. Is it a school bus or a public bus?

Yes, certainly speak to the school. DD was hit by another pupil with an umbrella on her way home from school - I emailed the school first thing and DD said the girl was taken out of registration, so they were immediately on it. School told me, they'd spoken to other girl and if she did anything like that again, they'd have her parents in with a view to exclusion if she continued. Not the same thing, but something that happened out of school.

@CousinGreg55 Sorry, I did not answer that. Public bus, but at the school run time so all onboard are pupils. If the secondary school does not respond effectively I will speak to the bus company.

At the age of around seven or eight, my son (who was eventually diagnosed with autism but had no diagnosis at the time) was very focused on 'rough and tumble' style playing with his classmates.
I hadn't realised that it had become a problem at all, but one day the mum of one of his closest friends approached me and said that her son was getting quite upset by it, and asked me to have a word with my son.
Of course I felt a little bit hurt and sad privately but I also felt that it was absolutely the right thing for her to speak with me about it, and I tried to speak with my son in ways that would help him to understand that that sort of play wasn't always appropriate and that he needed to be looking out for signs that it was actually welcome.

I hope it helped to a large extent. Certainly the other parent didn't raise the issue again (and no one else did either). I think my son was probably less developmentally challenged than the boy in the OP, and of course there wasn't the issue of age difference. But I wanted to mention it anyway as a positive account of how things can be resolved sometimes by a straightforward approach to a parent.

Looking back on it, all of his friendship group were probably developing socially a bit faster than him, and were moving towards more subtle forms of interaction than simple physical horseplay. But he wasn't able to keep up with that social progress so he became a bit fixated on the simpler interactions that had 'worked' in the past.

EDIT: (I don't mean to say that you shouldn't also approach the schools if that seems necessary -- especially given the safety issue by the road.)

Your post made me think of this:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=P4eIjOFTB6k

Pushing next to a road is extremely dangerous.

It's very sad the other child is struggling, but it is by no means bullying them to speak to the school about behaviour that is endangering your child and possibly others.

If the child's SNs mean they can't behave safety on public transport then they need supports put in place.