Page 2 | Why is dating so bloody draining nowadays?

Rainraingoawayrain · 2024-02-08T16:46:26+00:00

Match with a guy on hinge Have a good conversation Move to WhatsApp He asks if I want to go for a drink I say yes …. then, silence This happens to me all of the time and quite frankly I am just sick of it. I don’t even know why I care so much. I just can’t stand the hot / cold and going from being chatty and nice and keen to being ignored.

Hereyoume · 08/02/2024 20:09

sleepyjar · 08/02/2024 18:38

@Hereyoume
Do you really think men have been put off relationships because of some old jokes? We women have been subject to similar, and worse, after all.

Yes, we have, and we raised a whole generation of young women and taught them that it wasn't acceptable.

#metoo!

So are you saying that it IS acceptable to treat men like that, but not women?

I've just given my opinion on why I think there is a problem with women and dating. I've pointed out the fact the it's become acceptable to mock and belittle men. In response, you have stated that it's OK to do it, and another poster openly mocked them, which just proves my point I think.

If I were a man, talking about "poor wee girls, who should go and have a wank" I would get piled on and told how misogynistic I was and how that language was unacceptable.

HRTQueen · 08/02/2024 20:12

sadly online dating has allowed so many men to just not bother trying it’s a real shame as dating is so enjoyable

Women are not responsible for the way men behave Hereyoume and neither should we take on this nonsense we are not here to keep men happy

Hereyoume · 08/02/2024 20:13

RosieAway · 08/02/2024 20:04

@Hereyoume honestly. This is bonkers. Ever noticed a thing called misogyny? I doubt you have as you sound like you’re thoroughly dyed in it.

Poor men for not being able to hold their own and act like grown-ups, without either abusing their partners, throwing their toys out the pram worse than a baby or just dissociating into a porn and KFC bucket existence instead of actually engaging in relationships and trying to grow. 🙄

With your attitude, I think I can see why they are put off.

Seriously, do you think your language is acceptable?

Read your post and understand how insulting it is.

I have no skin in this game, but Jesus Christ, the vitriol that is spouted whenever another woman says something in support of men is astonishing

C1N1C · 08/02/2024 20:15

I was watching a podcast by a woman talking about OLD. She said something like 90% of women go for 5% of men (handsome, rich, charismatic, funny...). She said that most women these days aren't even attracted to 85% of men because of so much 'apparent' attainability of that 5%.

Maybe this is why there are so many posts on here saying they're not having the best of luck?
Those 5% are going to be absolute dicks and have such an inflated ego!

She was also saying it's a vicious cycle, as if those 90% of women end up ONSing with those 5%, they also get an inflated ego and think that because theyve 'had' that 5% guy, they think that's their standard from then on...

I'm not saying this applies here, just wondering people's thoughts :)

localnotail · 08/02/2024 20:19

Hereyoume · 08/02/2024 19:48

You're literally mocking them now 🙄

Proves my point.

Show quote history

I'm mocking your diatribe. No real life man is this fragile.

Outofideas79 · 08/02/2024 20:21

I don't even bother. They are all the same and I'm frankly not wasting my time on the dross that is out there.

localnotail · 08/02/2024 20:26

My experience of OLD crowd - they are basically people who would struggle to get picked up in a real life situation. I work with a lot of guys and when an attractive, intelligent and confident man becomes single and wants a new partner he gets picked up almost immediately INR by someone he already knows/ someone from his circle of friends

The only people I know who do OLD are either people who want a lot of partners/ like to date/ need a validation or, sadly, guys who are unattractive (sometimes physically but mainly unattractive personality)

FluffActually · 08/02/2024 20:26

Talk about draining... imagine matching with someone like Hereyoume and NOT getting ghosted😂Count your blessings, OP!

TheMarzipanDildo · 08/02/2024 20:29

Hereyoume · 08/02/2024 17:43

I think a lot of it is our own fault.

Not flying any particular flag here, but, there has been a lot of itching and criticism of men over the last decade or so, particularly in the media. Comedians even make perfectly accepted "jokes" about the casual coercive and controlling behaviour of women towards their partners. I'm thinking in particular of all the TicTok channels about the clichéd "married couple" wherw the Wife is in control and the Husband is nothing more than the punchline in whatever the joke of the day is.

You know the whole "Oh look how angry I get when the waitress flirts with my husband", or "Watch me show my Husband how to properly clean the house/look after the kids/pick up his clothes/teach him to not look at other women" etc.

I think the result is men turning away from "traditional" relationships and choosing to not get married, have kids, live with women. So it leaves a very small pool of genuinely interested guys. The rest just mess around, they have no desire to get into a serious relationship because we basically mock them and everything they do.

So why would they?

They have the pick of the women on OLD because if they show the slightest interest, they know there are women who will give them what they want. Which is mostly just sex, but I think quite a lot of women are hoping that "just sex" might lead to "relationship and kids" so they fo with it.

It's like picking your favourite chocolate in a whole shop full of the stuff, there's always a nicer bar on the other shelf.

Men’s actions are always women’s fault aren’t they?

obviously some women are dicks, but lots of men are too.

RosieAway · 08/02/2024 20:37

@Hereyoume how about you read back and read your apology for incel behaviour? I am mocking you and your wildly out of touch woman-blaming view. Men have treated women like property for bloody ever. Casual and deeply ingrained misogyny is rampant, as you’ve proved. Those that don’t act like Stepford Wives are deemed the problem by people like you. I am not the issue here, just as most of the lovely attractive women I know who are OLD are not the problem. It’s the men who haven’t got themselves together enough to go beyond playing the field and then freaking out/getting the validation and moving on. I’m sure you’re thinking your undemanding, male-ego stroking feminine wiles would win them over though. If indeed you are a woman. As you say, you don’t have any skin in the game so you have no idea of the current dynamics that are rife in OLD, so you’ve simply come here to say women bring it on themselves. Not having any idea about any of it

Starseeking · 08/02/2024 20:41

Having been OLD for a few months now, I would have to agree there seems to be an inverse relationship between the amount of decent men (few) compared to similar women (many) @C1N1C.

I've been on 9 dates in the past 6 months. Only one I wanted to go on a second date with. He was objectively nice looking, appeared solvent (spoke about job and house in normal way), didn't talk badly of his exes and seemed to have a very good relationship with his DC.

He asked me for a second date, and I agreed, yet I haven't heard from him in a week since the date. I could see he would be the type that lots of women either in real-life or online would be attracted to, so perhaps he's going on dates with them instead.

The other 8, while on the face of it seemed ok, they were more average looking, one was still damaged by his last relationship, one was at a very different stage of life to me, one was a bit "handsy", and all 8 complained about women not getting back to them, ladies being online to string them along etc etc.

The only one I liked honestly seemed like a diamond amongst all the rough.

Pussygaloregalapagos · 08/02/2024 20:44

Hereyoume · 08/02/2024 17:43

I think a lot of it is our own fault.

Not flying any particular flag here, but, there has been a lot of itching and criticism of men over the last decade or so, particularly in the media. Comedians even make perfectly accepted "jokes" about the casual coercive and controlling behaviour of women towards their partners. I'm thinking in particular of all the TicTok channels about the clichéd "married couple" wherw the Wife is in control and the Husband is nothing more than the punchline in whatever the joke of the day is.

You know the whole "Oh look how angry I get when the waitress flirts with my husband", or "Watch me show my Husband how to properly clean the house/look after the kids/pick up his clothes/teach him to not look at other women" etc.

I think the result is men turning away from "traditional" relationships and choosing to not get married, have kids, live with women. So it leaves a very small pool of genuinely interested guys. The rest just mess around, they have no desire to get into a serious relationship because we basically mock them and everything they do.

So why would they?

They have the pick of the women on OLD because if they show the slightest interest, they know there are women who will give them what they want. Which is mostly just sex, but I think quite a lot of women are hoping that "just sex" might lead to "relationship and kids" so they fo with it.

It's like picking your favourite chocolate in a whole shop full of the stuff, there's always a nicer bar on the other shelf.

Yeah this!

User135644 · 08/02/2024 20:47

C1N1C · 08/02/2024 20:15

I was watching a podcast by a woman talking about OLD. She said something like 90% of women go for 5% of men (handsome, rich, charismatic, funny...). She said that most women these days aren't even attracted to 85% of men because of so much 'apparent' attainability of that 5%.

Maybe this is why there are so many posts on here saying they're not having the best of luck?
Those 5% are going to be absolute dicks and have such an inflated ego!

She was also saying it's a vicious cycle, as if those 90% of women end up ONSing with those 5%, they also get an inflated ego and think that because theyve 'had' that 5% guy, they think that's their standard from then on...

I'm not saying this applies here, just wondering people's thoughts :)

It's very easy for most women to get sex with a hot guy, but less so a committed relationship.

Bedazzling · 08/02/2024 20:53

I think as brutal as it is many people will be ok with something or someone till something or someone they perceive to be better or preferred comes along and that includes dating.

Until people have met it means nothing much.

Do any women do this to men?

I would say the best thing is to not give so much headspace to it.

User135644 · 08/02/2024 21:10

localnotail · 08/02/2024 20:26

My experience of OLD crowd - they are basically people who would struggle to get picked up in a real life situation. I work with a lot of guys and when an attractive, intelligent and confident man becomes single and wants a new partner he gets picked up almost immediately INR by someone he already knows/ someone from his circle of friends

The only people I know who do OLD are either people who want a lot of partners/ like to date/ need a validation or, sadly, guys who are unattractive (sometimes physically but mainly unattractive personality)

In reality, casual sex is only available for a minority of men (maybe 10-20%) and you've got a similar number of Incels at the other end of the spectrum.

Then you've got the men between the two who invariably won't do well OLD either because women find most men unattractive and only swipe right on those top 10-20%.

OLD is frustrating for men and women with the exception of the most attractive men who just use it as for easy hookups and for the minority of women who just want casual sex it's great as well.

Original poster

Rainraingoawayrain · 08/02/2024 22:29

I just can’t understand how someone can ask you out 3 times the day before, seem interested, ask questions.. and then the next day just… disappear?

I know I shouldn’t care but I just can’t not take it personally and feel crap.

Most men I date now, even those who I meet up with, just end up ghosting me. What happened to some respect and compassion?

Urgh. If anyone has any good podcasts for me to listen to tonight then let me know!!

OP posts:

LorlieS · 08/02/2024 22:45

@Rainraingoawayrain I initially had an absolute nightmare with OLD. No problem with getting dates, but so many of them turned out to be complete timewasters simply looking for sex. Eurgh. Then there were those that messaged and were keen as, but didn't actually have any attention of meeting up IRL. And the love bombers, of course who mostly turned out to also be liars.

Was about to give up for good but got a message from someone who appeared a bit more genuine. He was really lovely on our first date (very refreshing!) but I didn't really fancy him and friendzoned him because tbh I couldn't really be doing with wasting my time yet again.

A few weeks' later we agreed to meet up for a coffee after work as we'd continued to chat about our shared shitty experiences of OLD. His were pretty much as unsuccessful as mine had been with the odd crazy thrown in for added entertainment.

That "friend" is now my husband whom I genuinely have the most amazing marriage with and we have a 3 yo daughter together. He's also an incredible stepdad to my teenage sons and I thank God every day I didn't give up on (eventually) finding my Mr Right.

sleepyjar · 08/02/2024 22:47

RosieAway · 08/02/2024 20:37

@Hereyoume how about you read back and read your apology for incel behaviour? I am mocking you and your wildly out of touch woman-blaming view. Men have treated women like property for bloody ever. Casual and deeply ingrained misogyny is rampant, as you’ve proved. Those that don’t act like Stepford Wives are deemed the problem by people like you. I am not the issue here, just as most of the lovely attractive women I know who are OLD are not the problem. It’s the men who haven’t got themselves together enough to go beyond playing the field and then freaking out/getting the validation and moving on. I’m sure you’re thinking your undemanding, male-ego stroking feminine wiles would win them over though. If indeed you are a woman. As you say, you don’t have any skin in the game so you have no idea of the current dynamics that are rife in OLD, so you’ve simply come here to say women bring it on themselves. Not having any idea about any of it

Edited

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Definitely. I'm a bit at Hereyoume's posts.

Whsthappensnow · 08/02/2024 22:53

I've just started it again after I decided I needed a distraction. I feel ready for a relationship again and there are a couple of men IRL I have my eye on but one of them I think is too selfish and is a colleague so would be frowned upon and the other one despite telling me he's single didn't make a move and wouldn't even engage in conversation when I tried to talk to him again recently.

I joined 2 sites. On one I have no matches and it was so complicated I deleted it. It was also suggesting men half my age and younger.

I'm on another one and have had a few matches but can't see them without paying unless they match with me. In two weeks I think I can count on one hand how many times I've swiped right.

It's a site aimed at parents but if seen all sorts on there. There's a lot where they are lying down and you can't see what they're doing with their hands, ferocious looking dogs, and there was one displaying biscuits iced with various profanities it really is a poor show!

And what's worse one of the first suggestions was my friend's ex husband who is 10 years older than me and lives 75 miles away. Proving the dating pool in my area is particularly bad!

I've changed my settings and uploaded new photos and verified them and if I don't get any response in a week imagine giving up and I'm going to take another break because I genuinely believe you should stop doing something when it isn't fun anymore.

sleepyjar · 08/02/2024 23:03

It's a site aimed at parents but if seen all sorts on there. There's a lot where they are lying down and you can't see what they're doing with their hands, ferocious looking dogs, and there was one displaying biscuits iced with various profanities it really is a poor show!

Christ that sounds awful! Is that typical of dating sites?

LorlieS · 08/02/2024 23:15

Personally I would avoid the free sites.
Met my husband on a paid one. Worth every penny (in the end!)

Original poster

Rainraingoawayrain · 08/02/2024 23:15

@LorlieS what paid ones are there?

OP posts:

LorlieS · 08/02/2024 23:19

Am I allowed to say them on here?
The M one...

Whsthappensnow · 09/02/2024 04:54

The site I'm using is new but is affiliated with the M one. It's been heavily advertised during some very popular podcasts (Parenting hell and Shagged married annoyed for example)

The area I have it set to goes from Truro to Swansea and across to Poole and everything in between and ages 35-55 so you'd think there'd be some decent choices there.

It's got to the point where I feel like I'm being too picky. Perhaps I need to compromise on something but one thing I won't compromise on is smoking. I can't believe how many middle age single dads are smokers. Also photos with tops off. That's off putting for me.

I have changed my settings and verified my pictures to see if that makes a difference. I don't take rejection well and think if I carry on much longer it will be damaging to my mental health.

Why is dating so bloody draining nowadays?

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