Am I am becoming a recluse ?

[blueberriesandoranges]

I'm 52, DH & DC at home, work FT.

Friends invite me to the theatre/shopping trips/body shop at home type parties/London for days out/concerts/festivals. I have no interest in any of this. I go along because if I didn't then my friends would most probably drop me. I like meeting my friends but prefer it to be at each others houses or local places. Additionally, I don't want go to our town centre/shops in the middle of the day and instead prefer to go first thing when no one else is really about. I'm happy to go to local pubs/restaurants. I'm happy at home. I WFH, get food shopping delivered, order most things online/Amazon. We have a large garden and had it fully landscaped last year. In the summer I am happy in my garden. I feel 'safe' at home but cannot explain what this means.

I worry I am becoming a recluse and this is not healthy.

It's normal for many people, but you'd be best to keep pushing yourself to get out and about or its very easy to slip into recluse mode and can lead to an incredibly lonely existence in future (watching my dad deal with this now)Think of your life in 10 yrs time, kids up and gone and if your partner was no longer around.. you'd need these friends and external interests to keep you sane.

Well, what is it about going out at times when few other people are around that you prefer? Are you afraid of strangers, of meeting people you know, or do you have a dread of crowded places? Why are local pubs and restaurants ok? Are they OK even if crowded? Is proximity to home the appeal? What is it about being at home that makes you happy?

Looks to me like you don't like the sort of things your friends invite you to. Why not suggest something you want to do? and I like going out early because I don't like crowded places.

its very easy to slip into recluse mode and can lead to an incredibly lonely existence in future

You'd probably call me reclusive and I'm as happy as can be with my life being that. Some people are.

It's a slippery slope to being a hermit in my experience, push yourself to get out.

@OriginalBirds I used to chat to anyone and everyone. I've had my fingers burnt over the years, so to speak, and now don't really want to engage with anyone except friends and family and even then I don't want to over share information. I have some paranoia that people are laughing/looking at me. No rationale for why I feel like this. I also don't want to bump into anyone I know. I can make decent conversation but I just don't want to and I don't know why. Even if I saw one of my closest friends while out shopping, I would most likely hide. Fear of getting drawn into going for a coffee and maybe coerced into other commitments for that day with my friend, when I only popped to the shops for a quick 30 mins and mentally I have the day planned out for myself with other tasks/things to do. I can say no, but I am saying it a lot lately and there are only so many times you can say no to someone without them getting offended.

Going to shops there are constant queues. The other day there was a queue in the supermarket just to get a hand held scanner. Everyone is too busy rushing around to get to places, get the best of things before anyone else/the shop sells out/they want to be the first. Nothing is straight forward e.g. I needed to change some details on my bank account. Telephone banking told me to go to my local branch. My local branch is now perm closed so I went to my nearest branch. When I got there they told me I would have to make an appt as they couldn't sort the issue and the appt would be another day at yet another branch. I found it all so overwhelming.

For some reason, local pubs/restaurants feel safe, even if busy. Maybe it's the familiarity. Yes, proximity to home is a huge appeal but I don't know why.

Home is my 'safe' space. I never ever thought I would say/think that. I used to be such an outgoing happy go lucky type, chat to anyone who would listen. I feel in control at home. The house is perfectionally organised/tidy/sorted/stocked up, all by me, and even down to the level of detail that I have a small box just for radiator keys, type of thing.

I sympathise but you have to be yourself. Like you I occasionally go out with friends when asked as I recognise it’s part of being a good friend. I much prefer having people over or only going out locally. I had a chance to see a singer I love for free but didn’t go as I couldn’t face travelling to London. I just rarely find anything is worth the hassle. I hate travel, I hate being away from home and I hate crowds. I went out a lot when I was younger and am happy with those memories. I am not relaxed enough to enjoy the moment anymore and find most outings a bit of a disappointment. I don’t even really like holidays but do them for my family.

I am ok being this way but will compromise for friends/family. My kids love the theatre so I will take them to London to see shows a couple of times a year.

I don’t consider myself a recluse, I am just old enough to know what I like and am happy to stick to that most of the time.

I can relate to this.

As I’ve gotten older, and I am becoming more aware of probably having less time left on this planet than I’ve already had, my tolerance for going along with things I don’t find enjoyable has plummeted.

I love my home, I’m quite happy in my own company and working on my projects. There’s nowhere I’d rather be.

It seems to me that people feel the need to put themselves in situations they dislike because society tells us we’re supposed to find these activities enjoyable. I’ll bet at least 1/3 of the people at any event are faking it!

Thanks for your reply, OP. I do think some of that sounds concerning (that you would hide from your closest friends, paranoia about being looked at or laughed at when out, the idea that a friend met unexpectedly might 'coerce' you into a social activity), especially as you say you used to be more socially confident. Was there an event, or series of events, that sparked off the changes?

(The supermarket queue and the annoying bank thing sound entirely normal to me.)

When you say that you've 'had your fingers burned' over the years, what kind of thing do you mean -- friendships or relationships gone sour? Did sharing information give someone the ammunition to hurt you? Why do you think your friends would want to compel you to do a social activity you don't want? Do you invite your friends around to your house at all, or do you not want other people in it, especially if the extreme organisation of your house is important to you?

I love being at home and know about the 'safe' feeling you mean. I work at home and spend a lot of time in the house and I like it.

I agree with this poster though that it sounds a bit worrying when you say you feel 'paranoid' about being looked at and you'd hide from a close friend. That second part, about having your day planned out already, sounds like very rigid thinking. I don't know if that's necessarily a cause for concern but it jumped out to me.

And TBH your issues with queues/shops don't sound 'entirely normal' to me. There are inevitably going to be queues for things. And the observation 'Everyone is too busy rushing around to get to places, get the best of things before anyone else/the shop sells out/they want to be the first.' also jumps out at me; you seem to have come up with this narrative and be imposing it on situations and people. How do you know people want 'the best of things before anyone else'?
I live in London and in busy areas, yes, shops can be busy and queues long. I don't have this sort of internal narrative about it though.

I don't know, I realise I'm just being an armchair psychologist, but these things strike me as a bit unusual.

You might benefit from therapy to explore what’s actually happening for you. You need to be careful it doesn’t become agrophobia which is awful. Keep pushing yourself to go out.

I completely understand these feelings. I'm exactly the same but continue to push myself out of my comfort zone. Its exhausting though. I just want peace and quiet at home. I'm tired of idle chit chat, drama, gossip.

I think life's just exhausting and you reach a point where you can't be bothered with all the optional extras.

I love to get up and out early before the rest of the world really wakes up then back to my home comforts.

I'm exactly the same. At home all day as I'm carer to severely disabled dh, online shopping delivered, just once a week trip to the shops only at a quiet time as dread meeting someone I know in case I have to make conversation. I live with dh and ds in a tiny house but with a lovely garden and beautiful countryside literally on the doorstep. I'm more than happy just staying round here and have to force myself to meet up with friends. I actually dread it so much that I've got to the dangerous stage of wanting to just cut off from friends I've had for years (dangerous as I know if anything happened to dh and ds left home I really would be alone). I don't go out for meals etc and can't even be bothered going on holiday.

You sound a bit paranoid OP.
Everyone feels a bit paranoid from time to time
Not sure staying at home/local will help in the long run
But if that is where you are happy and feel safe then you aren't harming anyone by stating at home/local.

Op where are you at with peri/ menopause. The overwhelm and anxiety can be crippling, I'm wondering if that's a factor ?

It is only unhealthy if you only eat junk food, do not exercise, only watch tv and do not ever want to see anybody. However, if you prefer to be home rather than going out is ok. You may want to invite your friends one to one. Nothing wrong with that. WFH came with people realising there is not place like home. Embrace it and go for daily walks and have one day a week for meeting friends. A bless if you are on peri menopause.

@OriginalBirds 'fingers burnt' and the paranoia refers to the following:
In the supermarket and they had sold out of what I wanted. I jokingly said to a supermarket worker, who was nearby at the time, ''have you hidden the X or have all the workers eaten them''. It was said in a jokey tone too, so the worker could tell it was a joke. Another shopper overheard and a few minutes later totally ripped into me and started shouting at me, to the extent I had to call security over. He said I was rude and offensive so that it was he was doing to me.

In a pub, friends chatting up some bloke, I had not even spoken to the bloke and was simply drinking my drink. Bloke turns to me and says ''I suppose you are quite pretty, maybe, but not as pretty as your friends''.

I have a friend who constantly needs to be 'entertained'/on the go, or at least that's how it feels. IMO she is needy and wont be alone for even an hour. She constantly wants me to do things with her and seemingly wants me at every night out/day out/event with her. She has other friends besides me. Next week I am going to an event with her that I have no interest in what so ever, she signed me up for this event with her. In her eyes she thinks I will like it/it's my thing.

Re the coercion - I would happily ask my friend if she fancied a coffee. My idea of a coffee is an hour/hour & half. The fear of this is that she then cottons on to the fact I have spare time that day, the coffee then turns into a suggestion of a whole morning/afternoon or even day together. All I wanted was an hours coffee. This happens a lot. Yes I could say I only have an hour free, but not all the time. After working a 40 hours week (NHS) I just want to be at home at the weekend, to appreciate the house we pay a huge mortgage for and which I spend a lot of time cleaning/sorting/organising.

@Glasshouses102 yes yes yes to the getting up before the rest of the world and getting to the shops and back before the rest of the population turn up. I could have written all of your post.

@Bearpawk I am not menopausal but would like to think I am starting the peri phase (no obvious signs). I still have regular periods.

@OriginalBirds to add to last post re the paranoia: At a festival last year and a random bloke turns to me and says 'why do you have 2 large spots on your face''

Why do people feel the need to comment on my looks ALL the time. I'm an average looking person, with no unusual facial defects or oddities. I don't have an exaggerated hairstyle. I wear minimal/subtle makeup. I don't have any lip implants/fillers/cosmetic surgery and my teeth are a regular persons teeth.

I think you are right to make the effort to go out with your friends even though you don't feel like going. I blame WFH. Its going to make folk into recluses.

I’m really similar but completely okay with it. I’m a carer and still have older children at home (plus a bunch of lovely cats!) so home is my favourite place to be. I’d probably feel differently if single.

Going out early morning before everyone else is a legitimate life hack. It makes perfect, logical sense to avoid crowds and queues.

In situations where a stranger is rude to you, you really need to be confident in yourself. Some people are just like this! Stare at them as if they are nuts and calmly walk away or say “Did you just say that out loud?!” to embarrass them. They’re the ones acting up in public - they are out of control, you are in control. Hold your head high.

I enjoy being alone. I can easily be with others for various events and occasions but My best time is when I am alone in my own little Private Idaho. I see nothing wrong with it at all. Just my preference.

I've been like this in my 50s especially.
I even had such bad anxiety I got agoraphobia for a bit.
I do work outside the home walk over 15 miles per week and occasionally go out however more than happy on my own on my days off.
If I worked from home I think I would need to go food shopping or something.
Some kind of interaction with others.

I feel like this to the point that, having seen a friend recently, I felt like I wouldn't care if I never saw them again. However it's definitely menopause and hormone related. I'm 53 and post menopausal but for the last few years my tolerance of other people has just plummeted and I'd rather be in my own company. At 52 I would say you are definitely in the throes of menopause even if periods are still happening. I wish I could say it gets better but I don't think it will for me.