Hi All,
my DD is 5 nearly 6 years old. Me and her dad broke up about 2 1/2 years ago. Up until we broke up, she was a complete mummy’s girl and never let her dad do anything for her, even when her dad moved out, I really struggled to get her to go to her dads because she wanted to stay with me. however not long after the break up she started to show signs that she was missing him and struggling with the routine of going between 2 houses. She seemed depressed for a while and would cry a lot for her dad. She sees him more than enough, he has her about 40% of the time and I have her 60% so that means out of a 2 week period, he has her for 6 nights and I have her for 7 nights.
i have had some trouble with her dad over the last year, nothing major but I took her dummy off her a year ago and told him she no longer has one and for him to not give her one. For about 6 months she was told to lie to me and not tell me that she was having a dummy when she goes there. This is when the “I want to live at daddy’s” started. I spoke with her dad and told him it’s more damaging than he thinks to do something like that and will eventually ruin my relationship with her. 1st of all because she thinks I’m the bad person and 2nd of all she’s being told to lie to me. It took a few polite arguments for me to eventually get through to him and for him to stop giving it her. She is now dummy free!
however, problem number 2. At my house, she has her own room and sleeps in her own bed all night. Up until her dad moved out, me and my daughter co slept from when she was a baby but I had to start making changes for my own sake. She adjusted well and now sleeps fine in her own room and very rarely wakes up through the night. When she is at her dad’s, she still co sleeps with him. She doesn’t have her own room and loves it so she crawls into his bed and I can imagine is at optimum happiness. She has no bed time routine when she’s at her dads where as at mine, she’s in the bath between 6:30-7, 10 mins on the iPad, a story and I lie with her until she falls to sleep. At her dad’s, she gets to choose when it’s bed time.
i broke down a few days ago because she kept telling me she loves her dad more than me and she misses him so much and she wants to live with him because he does everything for her and he makes her happy.
it really hurt because I am the softest, coolest parent you will find. When she’s home, she has lots of friends in the street and most days after school she’s either playing out the front or I have 6 of her friends in the house who I entertain just to make her happy. She has sleepovers, I take her out and do fun activities with her like swimming, bowling etc and her dad does none of that!
how am I that bad parent? How am I the parent she doesn’t want to be around?
when I ask her what’s wrong with being at mums house, she tells me nothing and that she likes being here and she loves me so much but she just loves her dads more.
im not sure what to do, I have never felt so much guilt in my life. I feel like the world’s worst parent and I’m completely losing control over my daughter and I really don’t want her growing up to hate me.
I'm worried that her dad and his family are feeding things into her mind because they can be quite malicious and narcissistic and I can imagine they absolutely love the fact that she wants to live there.
my daughter is very grown up for her age, people can’t believe she is only 5 because she speaks like she’s 15. She comes out with the most bizarre things which is why I think some things are being said to her first for her to repeat them.
when I speak to her dad about this, he tells me I’m being stupid and I’m over thinking it and letting a 5 year old rule my life but I can’t help but feel full on shame or like a failure! Please help