Day with 3 year old - anyone else feel like this?

[zenplease]

I have one day a week with my 3 and a half year old and the rest of the week he's at nursery. (Starts school in Sept) At weekends my DH is here but on Fridays it's just me and DS for the day, from 7.30am-7.30pm as DH works late. (I work mon-Thurs)

Needless to say I love the bones of my child, and he is funny, imaginative and gorgeous. He is also unbelievably stubborn, strong-willed, energetic and highly highly spirited. He doesn't meet the criteria for autism but in certain aspects he is extremely fixed in his mindset and it can make life very challenging. He is a big tall heavy boy so if he doesn't want to get dressed or go somewhere it's a challenge for me to use all my parenting skills to make it happen. If handled wrong he can have a meltdown and then it's hard to get things back on track.

Also he's at the stage where we've all but ditched the buggy, and he'd absolutely refuse to get in it even if I did try, but on the other hand the park is a good 20 minute walk away and he'll often ask me to carry him part of the way. Loves to run like the clappers until he decide to stop dead and lie down. When DH is present it's fine as he puts him on his shoulders, but I have a back injury so no can do. I find I'm wary of suggesting the park now as I'll need to cajole and it won't work or I'll end up hurting myself with all the lifting up and carrying. Which is such a shame as it's great for him once we are there running around and being in nature.

Fridays we have a gymnastics lesson we attend but the bus journey there can be stressful as it's packed full of rowdy school kids and DS often insists on sitting in the top deck involving a precarious walk up and down whilst the bus I moving. I've tried insisting we use downstairs deck only but he will have a meltdown which is a nightmare managing on a busy bus!

Anyway we just about manage that activity but it starts at 4pm and the rest of the day is empty unless we make it to the park. (We live in a flat so no garden). I obviously try activities, craft, play dough etc but the day really drags for me. Going out past the shops is a minefield of tantrum-inducing opportunities (wanting treats etc) so I avoid that. He does enjoy playing with his toys.

I just wondered if anyone else finds spending a whole day with their 3 and a half year old challenging? Please no judgement as I know how it sounds and I do feel said that I'm not thrilled or loving my day with him. I love the boy so much, but I do find it tricky on the long day by myself. It feels looong, dragging, skull-numbingly boring but at the same time exhausting, knackering and by the time I've got him into bed I'm spent. I've started dreading Fridays which I know is so sad and silly. DH says I'm looking at it wrong and he's love a day at home with our son. The weekend days are better when DH is there and I feel free to do more things and go to fun places.

DH said why not put him in nursery on Friday mornings too and then take him to gymnastics, after all he'll be starting school in September. However, aside from the extra cost, I feel terrible at the thought as I know DS doesn't enjoy nursery that much and would feel sad.

Anyway just feeling bad and wondering if anyone else experienced this and if there is a way I can do my day with him differently, given his personality.

And to add, I am extremely grateful to have him (after some fertility issues) and know how lucky I am so this is not meant to be inconsiderate to those who haven't been able to have a child. I love him and feel really guilty that I feel this way.

Hi OP, I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. I have a nearly 3 year old and absolutely love my days with him, but that's because 3 is my sweet spot (small baby or 1-18 months on the other hand...!). 3 year olds are frustrating - mine had a cheese sandwich in the car on the way to preschool this morning because he refused to eat anything I offered him first thing and sometimes victories can be hard won!

I don't know if you have tried the 5 minute mum book? Lots of suggested activities that you can kind of dip into in the morning if you want to get them playing (and then hopefully playing alone for a little while whilst you organise the day? It's a good skill to have and you don't have to feel guilty about letting them use it).

I also wondered whether the solution to your issue might be to get the bus somewhere near to gymnastics a bit early and make it an outing? Might be much less crowded if you do it early and going to a cafe or something is going to be cheaper than the nursery day if you want to stay off with your son. I agree, it's very hard to stay in the house until 4 every day!

Would a scooter with a seat or just a pull strap help with the park trip? Or a balance bike?

He has a bike with stabilisers which we try to practise but he gets bored and just drops it on the ground after 5 minutes so we would never make it to the park - and I'd have a bike AND a boy to carry!

It is perfectly fine to feel a bit fed up even if you have had a long fertility journey to get him. We don't need to be grateful all the time.

Does he have a scooter? If not one of the micro scooters with flashing lights or a bike might suit him to get to the park. Mine used to go really fast on hers.

Ignore the bike suggestion actually. What about a game about who can run to a certain lamp post or post box the quickest?

Thanks. Yes I use that game all the time but it only works so far!

Firstly, stop apologising and beating yourself up, there's really no need. 3 year old are hard work!

It strikes me that the gymnastics class is quite late in the day, so you're almost killing time waiting for that. Can you change it to something else, a bit earlier in the day, so then that's the main activity and you're not spending the day waiting for it/going on the busy bus? Also if he has 4 full days at nursery, it's ok just to chill out a bit, watch TV, do some activities at home etc.

I think the 4pm gym is making your day more difficult than it needs to be, I'd look at changing your day completely. Another class might also have people at a slightly loose end that you could meet up with before/after.

A few suggestions:

• It takes a long time for them to get the hang of a bike/scooter so that you don't end up carrying them both. I'd try to do this as much as possible at the weekends when your DH is there to help...in the hope that by spring/summer it might make it easier to get to the park! Or, for scooters you can get one you can push with handle and the kid sits on a seat (not sure if he'd now be too big for that), or pull with a strap
• I agree the 4pm gymnastics class on a busy bus doesn't seem to work very well. Any chance of an earlier class, or as others said travelling on an earlier bus so it is less busy then doing something in the vicinity? If not, I'd see if there are other classes that would work better in terms of combination of location and timing.
• Can you get the bus to the park, or to a different park, or somewhere else that might be suitable...a museum, library, puddle walk etc. Or is there anything in walking distance? I always found getting out of the house in the morning helped to pass the time, and tire DD out so an afternoon at home was easier. We did different things - walk around the streets, playpark, somewhere to throw stones in a river or pond, somewhere to just explore, play hide and seek etc. Sometimes even just wandering around a shopping centre!
• For time in the house, try to think outside of the box in terms of entertainment. E.g. "helping" with cleaning the floor or the shower; playing in a bath, doing a kids yoga video, making an assault course...working with the types of things they enjoy to come up with something that lasts a bit longer than 5 minutes!

And don't beat yourself up about it. Kids are tricky - they are all different and they go through phases, and it is not always easy trying to work out how best to manage the time together alongside their behaviours.

I also work Monday - Thursday and have a Friday off with my toddler (2), I find always having a plan of the day helps. I've made a list of all toddler groups and that are on on those days and all age appropriate activities for him and take my pick to mix it up a bit. I find he is so much more better behaved when are out and about rather than in the house for a while so we're usually out for a good chunk of the day. I totally get that it can sometimes feel easier to go to work than entertain a toddler all day but I wouldn't be hanging around until 4pm waiting for gymnastics to start. There should be local toddler groups or playgroups you can go to or soft plays, play cafes, role play centres, local farms and parks (if the weather is ok), library, local mueseums, aquarium, swimming, bowling etc. We often have lunch out aswell so we are out longer, and sometimes call into pets at home on the way back to look at the animals. I find it really hard to entertain him at home as I'm quite rubbish at playing, his dad is much better at that so I like to get out with him as much as possible. I'd dread the days too if I had to stay in all day with him until 4pm! He'd also happily walk around a shop and not demand things or have tantrums but often in the house after a few hours it looks like a bomb has hit!

What about a buggy board? He may enjoy riding on it - maybe borrow one to try it out.
You can use the buggy to carry bags etc.

Where is the gymnastics class? If it is in an area where there are other things - a park, a library, a pond, a cafe, anything different! - could you head there after lunch & make an afternoon of it? Or even have a late lunch nearby then do something before the class.

Otherwise, do lots of fun things at home. Mine are bigger now, one has SEN, but at that age they enjoyed craft (junk modelling), baking, simple science experiments (eg cleaning coins with different substances, Skittles in water etc), art (lots of different methods), board games, a snuggly movie morning, reading together etc.

Agree with maybe using a scooter or balance bike to get to the park. Or maybe take a tick sheet & he can mark off eg how many dogs/cats/trees/letters he sees along the way. If if takes longer, it takes longer.

Oh blimey, just hearing that your activity for the day is at 4pm gave me the horrors No way would I be doing that with my 3.5YO on my day off with them!

I know what you mean about the day dragging, and I had the same thing a few months ago. So what I do now is this:

• We get up and do all usual house stuff like breakfast, dishwasher, washing hung up etc. We get dressed first, as breakfast is the lure to get downstairs!

• Activity in the AM, at the moment it's a music class at 10am, but I've also done soft play morning slots, library visits etc. But just get out in the morning.

• Lunch while we are out, usually a packed lunch. Mine loves a "picnic" so we pull up at the beach or canal and eat on a bench if the weather is fine. If it's pouring we do go home but we picnic on a blanket at home on the floor!

• Enforced quiet time. Mine is usually quite tired on her day off from nursery so sometimes falls asleep after lunch on the way home. If we are already home, and she's not fallen asleep, we have cinema time! So I put a movie on and she watches with a treat while I potter about or cuddle up with her.

• Baking. We bake something every single week. Something easy! Or she helps me make something ahead for dinner like bolognese or whatever. She loves layering lasagne!

• Then and only then will I actually play with her if you see what I mean? I'll spend some time in her room with her playing with her toys late afternoon.

Then Daddy gets home and it's over to him splitting my day up this way has made it easier for me, and I don't feel like I'm scrabbling for stuff to do.

Probably about once a month we do a whole day out like to a local adventure park or whatever. If funds don't allow for that, I pick a book we have (Dear Zoo, Going on a Bear Hunt, Gruffalo) etc and scroll Pinterest. I can usually find us an outside thing to do (walk to hunt for bears or a gruffalo), some print out colouring sheets, a baking activity (make bear shaped biscuits) and then we can watch the film.

DD is 2 so still (usually) naps which is such a blessing. We get out all the time as I find at home I struggle to know what to do with her, we do play dough, drawing, blocks, books, teddy bear picnic, make dens, bounce on bed, play or listen to music, jigsaws, play kitchen, toy cars, sticker books etc, these all last about 5 mins each, the only activities that last longer are pretend play (which I struggle to engage with for more than 10 mins), bath and TV. If weather is ok we go for a “walk” not to anywhere in particular but to pick up sticks and stones, look at bugs etc and try not to go far from home as I know she will want carried. We also do toddler classes, park (can you get bus to one?), library, cafe, and we have also ventured on bus to soft play, museum, play cafe etc when feeling more organised.

I used to do breakfast in a cafe with activity books. A firm favourite with him. Just toast but got us out. Then we did dancing at 10:30-11:30. Home for lunch and a nap if he could. Then activities at home. School run at 3 home. Tablet time while I cooked tea. Bath and bed.
Back up activities included:
Having a bath in the day
Going to grandads house
Cooking for tea- pizza dough was a good one.
Park if the weather was nice.

I would invest in a scooter for walking places. Makes it much easier.

I have 2 days a week with my 3yo and the only way I can cope is by getting out of the house as soon as we can and keeping busy! One day she has a swimming lesson first thing, then a music class after lunch - we fill in the time with either soft play, park time or a local museum or library. We bring a packed lunch then eat it while we're out. She has a nap - I still use a buggy for this reason (she's lazy and doesn't resist sitting in it, though she'll walk part of the way - long walks between venues).
The other day we don't have a regular activity, but we either do a longer day out to an attraction further away (different place each week) or do some drop in classes or events, things she doesn't want to do every week but likes doing every now and then. Again we have a packed lunch so we're out of the house for 6+ hours.

She has dinner at 5-5.30 so we are usually heading home by 4pm - a class at that time would feel too late especially in winter. But on nursery days she gets picked up at 4.30pm so she isn't used to long days.

3.5 is very different from a 2yo ime. It's harder to get them to do things they don't want to.

Yeah my 3 year old very much likes to teat boundaries and do what he wants. Likes to refuse to get dressed and has to be in charge of opening and closing any door we go through. So I feel your pain. I also have a 2 month old baby and he now has to be the one to push the pram so we walk at a snails pace.

I do agree 4pm is a bit of an odd time for an activity. I usually do stuff in the morning or after lunch.

I have always found long days (over 7 hours) on my own with the kids challenging so dont beat yourself up, its hard work

We're a year behind you at 2 and a half but solidarity for living in a flat with no garden- we're in the same boat 3 flights up!

Mine does 3 days at nursery and is also very energetic. Our park is a half hour walk at his pace and he can walk it by himself and back. However we take a respite break in between at a café. I bring sticker books/magazines etc and we stop for some lunch and a hot chocolate. Some days I still take a pushchair in case.

It might be worth getting one of those push trikes with the handle at the back for when he tires. Get one that looks nothing like a pram or buggy.

I also wouldn't be doing an activity at 4pm. We get out the house first thing, usually by 10am and I stay out with him for as long as possible. If it's a walk to the park and some lunch, we'll maybe stop in to the library on the way home or take a wander around some charity shops and he can pick a small toy.

I find the afternoons at home go by more easily if he's had all his time outdoors at the start of the day. He's burnt off all his energy and then he's happy to play at home and watch some cartoons.

Oh, also, being 3 flights up I worked on mine walking up the stairs by himself not long after he started walking. One flight at a time. I knew I needed to get him walking the whole way before he got too heavy for me. He's been walking up them all holding my hand since the age of 2.

I would get the push trike and if he falls to the ground I would refuse to carry him and say it's the trike or nothing. I'd wait for as long as it takes. He needs to learn that he can be tired but he needs to go on the trike if he is because you're not carrying him. Stand firm.

Solidarity. This age is so hard.

My son has a bike but it’s got a parent handle too, he’s almost 4 and loves taking it to the park. Would it be worth getting one of those so you can keep pushing him along if he gets bored with riding?

My son is at nursery 5 days a week. When nursery is closed, it’s so hard!

I found my day off with my child very challenging at times, and as far as I can tell he's NT. It's hard because you're knackered from your week at work, and then go to what I found my hardest, most stressful day of the week - and negotiating with small children all day is hard work, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I do agree with everyone else, that 4pm class is throwing your day out. He's probably not at his best at that time either. Not having a car is also a bugger, even at 3.5 mine would fairly reliably fall asleep in the car on a Friday afternoon so I'd plan to be driving home from somewhere to get him to nap as he needed it after four days at nursery. Any chance he'd sit in the buggy on the way home from somewhere?

I would aim to get yourselves out first thing in the morning, no later than 10am. Find a class (also no kids on the bus at 10am), take him swimming, run errands, go for a wander round the shops or to a big playground - whatever will entertain both of you reasonably well for a couple of hours. Then a picnic for lunch (we used to go to a quiet churchyard which was good for hide and seek afterwards) or cafe with colouring books, then home for quiet time/Cbeebies, and then maybe a quick walk around the neighbourhood in the late afternoon if he needs another run around.

I’m another poster who would hate going out at 4pm for an activity! My ds is the same age and goes to pre school 3 days a week so we have 2 days in the week together. One of the days tends to be an inside day or perhaps a play date if someone is free and the other one we go to a music group in the morning. Our day is structured around the school run for the eldest, we walk to school and back so that’s always a bit of exercise for the youngest.
Could you look at bringing his activity forwards to the morning and then home for lunch and a bit of play? I think this time of year is hardest as it’s cold and wet still. The summer will get easier as you can pack up a picnic.
I know how difficult 3 year olds can be, and if you suspect some additional needs then that can make things even tougher. But it does sound a bit like he rules the roost. He doesn’t want to walk so he gets picked up by dad - not helpful when you can’t do that. He wants to sit upstairs on the bus even though that’s not easy for you. At his age he should be able to manage a 20 minute walk. You may just need to slow things down and not expect him to do it quickly. I suspect the only trouble with using a scooter etc is if he then refuses to go on it, will you have to manage him and that?! Some boundaries and giving him your expectations could be helpful. But solidarity, it’s not easy especially if they are strong willed. Just think it won’t be long till September really and it’s only 1 day a week, you can do this

Balance bike or scooter if he can scoot safely. Try persisting with getting him used to family shopping because it can be useful. With our DS I had to be sure he’d shop with me because DH often worked away pre COVID.

When DS was 3 we lived in the US. He’d happily walk a few blocks 10-15 mins to park, but I took the stroller if we went any further. Seemed to be up to 5 year olds over there in strollers