Starting a PGCE in September but terrified of leaving baby. How did you cope?

[Kitkatgoosie]

I'm starting a PGCE Secondary course in September to become an English teacher. This was my plan before baby and I told myself I would do it when she's 1 years old in September 2024 (she's currently 7 months) to continue my career path and build a good life with two incomes for her.

However, my partner is considering starting a job in the police (he left a police employment opportunity when we moved locations) so he will be busy, I'm not sure if it's wise for both of us to be immensely busy and stressed when she's only just turned 1 and will still need us a lot.

I've also really struggled with postpartum anxiety and find it extremely difficult to be away from baby girl. The most time I spent away from her was 2 hours in A&E and I left before getting my results because I couldn't stand to be away any longer. I don't even leave her with her dad, she's EBF and I don't manage to pump milk that would make up a feed, so often it's been the anxiety of her being hungry when I'm gone. As I think about doing my teacher training I am ambitious for it but the thought of leaving baby with anyone but me or my partner is terrifying and is breaking my heart. I just want to spend every day with her and I don't know how I'll concentrate on anything but the thought of her and if she's okay and how I miss her.

Basically I'm scared that if I do a PGCE, as it's so intense and time consuming, that I 1) won't get to give my baby the attention she needs and deserves or spend the time with her I want to, or 2) I'll hate the experience and be so stressed out that I have a breakdown or don't perform as I should.

Does anyone have any advice? If you went back to work after maternity, how did you cope?

A couple things, there is a huge difference between a 7 month old and a 13 month old. With mine who was EBF, I couldn't leave for more than a couple hours at 7 months. At 15 months, I took my older one to Italy on holiday for 4 days and left youngest at home!

The second thing is that I suspect you know that this level of anxiety isn't healthy. You have to take care of yourself above everything else. You have time now to focus on you and getting yourself in the best shape you can be in to tackle the next chapter in life, and that includes making your that your anxiety doesn't stop you from doing every day positive things for yourself. Could you start small now with bits of time to adjust to doing something for yourself? Lunch out or a coffee and a book for a few hours every weekend? If that is truly too much, see your GP or talk with your health visitor.

As for a big career move after mat leave, yes, it's absolutely possible, but you and your partner will need to support each other and you will need to have sufficient childcare in place. After my first mat leave, I did a PhD and dh started a new business. It meant we were both really busy. What worked though was each of us doing our parts. Dh took dc for a few hours after work, did bedtime, went for a day out, whatever when I had work that needed doing, and vice versa. And we had childcare in place for all our working hours. So if I needed 4 days a week, we had 4 days of nursery in place, and my 5th day was truly a day off. But it was completely doable and I'm very glad I did it. The reality is that most mums go back to work after mat leave and most do just fine.

What are your plans for childcare as the PGCE is intense as you say? My children were about 10 and 13 when I did mine as a single parent and it was a hellish year.