Guilt/grief over not having a second child

[Symphony72]

The door is closing on having a second child and the feeling of permanence has been making me feel guilty and some grief over being a one child family.

Technically we could have had a second child but it wouldn’t have been the smart choice for a number of reasons.

In my heart I have always wanted a large family but circumstances haven’t allowed for it. I feel lucky to have the one child that I have as it wasn’t an easy road for me. And I know that I need to move on from these negative feelings, but I’m not sure how.

I’ve found it easier to accept things in the past because they were beyond my control. But this feels more difficult because I have chosen it. Has anyone been in a similar position?

No time for a proper reply but I feel you. Its the best thing for a lot of reasons but I still question it.

In life, as parents, we have to always consider the wider picture. No options are perfect in life- but you make peace that you make the decision thats right at the time given circumstances.

I think you sound like a very thoughtful, reflective parent, which is great for your DC.

There are two separate (but connected) issues.

Firstly, the grief you feel at not having more DC. That's very valid and something that you need to allow yourself to feel. You may not become fully reconciled to this - in my view there are many family situations that have grief associated with them (in my case, being a single parent, even though it's ultimately for the best).

Secondly, the guilt you feel - if it's in relation to your DC, it's worth coming back to the point that because you are a good parent, you put their well-being ahead of your instincts, and that will result in a good childhood & upbringing for your DC.

As an only I wish my parents had just had another dc.

I know I would have had less material things/ other impacts etc but I'm now stuck spending my whole life grieving over the sibling I never had.

I feel for you, am in a similar boat.

Multiple losses since my first, time ticking on (first is almost five) and financial circumstances mean that a second child doesn't feel like the sensible choice anymore. Both for my mental well-being (don't think I could cope with losing another pregnancy) and our circumstances. It breaks my heart. Even still, I feel guilty as though I'm making the choice and worry I'll deeply regret it. So, no advice but you're not alone xx

@cordeliachaseatemyhandbag I worry my little girl will feel like that too when she grows up, but then I see so many families where the siblings aren't close or don't even speak. I love the idea of her having a sibling she's close to as an adult but there are no guarantees

We'd have to go down the donor egg route in order to have a second. It's just not feasible financially especially when you can't guarantee a baby at the end of it. I'm so lucky to have one but I wanted three. It's definitely a grieving process. I'm allowed to feel sad about it but I try not to wallow in it.

Sad you feel this way but it’s perhaps insensitive to write this in response to someone that is feeling anguish about this.

@cordeliachaseatemyhandbag that may be your experience, but given the OP has stated they're feeling guilty, I don't think your comment is particularly helpful! Perhaps you need to think about how to enrich your own life to better live without a sibling - make your own family.

@Symphony72 - I hear you. I currently have one and would love another but have had two miscarriages so far so of course the question of whether it will happen is there. Family means so many things, it doesn't always mean siblings. I know people with siblings who are deeply unhappy, I know only children who are living happy, rich, and fulfilled lives. They may well marry into a big family - my SIL did! Or maybe they end up preferring their own company anyway.

Life isn't full of guarantees, and the future you envisioned may not have happened for many reasons (they don't get on etc). Focus on the life you have, rather than the one in your mind ❤️

More and more people are having only children, they won't be alone in that x

My DD would love a sibling but for a whole range of reasons it won’t happen. It is what it is really. There are pros & cons to every family size. I have friends that are super close with their siblings & those that barely see them. Life isn’t fair & you don’t always get what you want. Simple as that.

Thank you for all the contributions, some good things to think about here. And @EarringsandLipstick I think you’ve got it right. I can find ways to handle the grief because it’s my own. The guilt is the really difficult part as it relates to my DC and I want to give them the best life that I can.

I grew up close with my siblings which has added to this guilt. However as adults this has become a lot more complicated and even negative at times. I’ve started to think about the adults that I know and their relationships with their siblings. Many seem indifferent to them or don’t get along so it’s not so straightforward.

I’m sorry to hear of others in the same boat but it does give me some comfort to know that I’m not alone.

Lots of people don't feel like that though. I suffered massively as a child because my parents had insufficient emotional and financial resources for the children they had . I longed to be an only child 🤷🏻‍♀️

There are some brilliant Facebook groups for "one and done" families - the best UK based one is called "my first, my last, my everything" but there are lots of groups including specific groups for parents who are one and done by choice, with discussions of all the emotions involved.

The grief is natural - you'd feel that no matter how many children you have; when the youngest one experienced all those "firsts" for the last time you'd still feel that grief! - but try to examine where the guilt is coming from, because there's truly nothing to feel guilty about. Children don't need siblings to be happy (and siblings are absolutely not a guarantee of happiness, nor are good relationships between siblings a sure thing!). The idea of only children being lonely and unsocialised and unable to share comes from a different time and a different generation - things are very different now, and I know of so many adult onlies who loved their childhood and are so glad their parents didn't have any more children.

I don't have any answers, but I really hear you.

Grief for the loss of your imagined future is understandable.
But feeling guilt for not providing your dc with something they've never had and very possibly won't ever want or miss, less so.

Fwiw my dd is an only, when she was a kid we discussed it and she was adamant she didn't want or miss a sibling. She's an adult now with lots of good friends.

The guilt is the really difficult part as it relates to my DC and I want to give them the best life that I can.

But it sounds like you are doing thjs? You know that for good reasons a second child would not be a good idea. You are prioritising your DC's well-being which is mature and also the sign of a loving parent.

I never thought this deeply & perhaps I should have - I had 3 DC, I wanted 4, even tho I was in a very difficult marriage (now over, and which I now realise was abusive). I love my DC, but as a single parent doing it all alone, I am not sure I've given my DC the best upbringing possible.

I feel huge guilt that my DS will never have a sibling. I know he would like one.

However, DS has SEND and, truth be told, it's demanding enough trying to support his needs. I'm not convinced I'd manage it if I had a second child to look after as well.

I feel bad about it but we are where we are....

Sounds like you are a great parent & I’m sure it will be fine so please don’t fret.
As an antidote to the poster up thread who said she was an only & regretted not having a sibling, if it’s any help I’m an only child of two only children. I also only have one DS, lots of reasons mainly difficult pregnancy with pre eclampsia & birth complications that we were both lucky to survive so my DH didn’t want the worry or risk again. None of us onlies have been the least bit bothered by the lack of siblings, I certainly didn’t miss one growing up, instead been quite glad after seeing some families we know! My DH had two sisters one of which we rarely saw despite living fairly local, the other has never bothered to keep in touch, no falling out, just drifted away. My DS is married to one of four & it’s made him doubly glad he was an only 😂

I feel the same OP.. i feel the deadline is approaching and I’m fairly sure one will be the max. Appreciate what you have. Xx

I feel huge guilt and grief as the door of opportunity closes.

I think that my DC will be lonely sometimes as a result of being an only - I think it's okay to admit that. I try as try as hard as I can to facilitate friendships for her, but I can't force people to have playdates or maintain friendships. That still doesn't mean that it's a good idea to have another child - there are other factors at play and life is complicated.

If I were a millionaire I'd totally try for another. I'd be able to fund additional support in many ways. In the end it comes down to resources for me...I don't have the resources for a second child...I don't mean stuff...I mean things like a nanny to make up for a lack of support network.

I could have written this myself and it really resonates.

There's no physical reasons why we couldn't have had a second child. But I suffered with post partum psychosis and lingering depression that lasted for years after DD was born. I hope it's ok to write here, I had a termination when my daughter was 18 months old, as I wasn't ready for a 2nd baby and genuinely think it would have finished me off. My partner was onboard with this at the time, but over the years since it's clear he regrets it, which makes me feel terrible. I'm not sure our relationship has ever recovered after a) having our daughter and b) the termination.

Daughter is 6 now and thriving. Happy, sociable child. She very rarely asks for a sibling- but I'm aware of the one that could have been here.
As it happens I felt much more open to another child once DD got to 4 or 5 and even told my partner, by which time he said that ship had sailed. I do feel guilty on a daily basis but at the same time I'm so happy with DD and don't think I have the resources to be a good parent to more than 1 child.

There are many positives: financial, your own free time, headspace, sleep, only paying 1 set of childcare, university fees, the list goes on.

I hope you manage to find peace with having 1 child. There's some threads on One child families which I found helpful x

This has really resonated with me OP.

you are not alone

and I think you are very brave for bringing this up, which is probably very useful for quite a few of us to discuss

my first and only was extremely premature and very ill, needing operations until he was 3.

We were told we had a 30% chance of having a baby that even survived a second time.

That 30% really haunted me for a long time.

I very badly wanted a second.

I have to say, going through that transition period where it was no longer going to be possible to have another was the hardest (for grief and guilt). I think because it’s a window closing.

over time the grief for another child has completely gone for me but I do still worry about the disadvantages of him being an only occasionally

I'm also one and done. Mainly because of money worries, I really don't think we could afford to have another child as both working and can't afford childcare. I was lucky with my DD as I could rely on grandparents to look after her while I was at work but grandparents would be now unable to cope with a newborn. Also, I've left it far too late! I'm coming up to 35, my DD is almost 12 and the thought of starting from scratch with a newborn sounds exhausting!

I sometimes feel guilty that my daughter has grown up without siblings but she has plenty of friends/cousins and is growing into a kind young lady who really wants to work with children when she is older. I try not to dwell on it too much as I've got one amazing child.

I could have written this post myself, word for word. Here to talk if you need a chat xx

I would also say, as with every pregnancy and especially if we're nearing to the "window" closing, we never know how it would go, for us and for the baby/ies (could be multiples!)

I personally had such bad history in my early 30s that it took me until mid-30s to have DS and I am counting my lucky stars he is, touch wood, a healthy little boy in every way after all this. My starting position to try again now is worse than average and I fear what would happen if there were complications and illnesses or difficulties we managed to avoid with him. The impact it would have on me and him as it is more likely to happen also because I'm older.

I am struggling with this, I want another one but there are many reasons why it might not be a good idea.