Preteen DC struggling at school - hates himself

[Parentingistoughas]

DS started secondary school in September. Started well, he was flying, working hard and was so happy. He’s severely dyslexic and this is his forth school so we were so pleased for him. School report was fantastic.

Come new term and things have changed dramatically. He’s now sat on his own on the bus, sits on his own in class and most breaks and lunch he’s own his own. He’s got what he considers to be two friends (from different groups) but doesn’t really know if they are his friends.

In his words, he’s feels lonely and he hates himself. Some of the boys call him special, make fun of his hair, they way he looks etc.

Hes trying to fit in. He doesn’t get why some
are more popular than others. It’s heartbreaking to hear him say this. He’s asked for help but I’m unsure where to start.

He’s sporty and is in the first team for rugby and other sports, although not all. He does sports clubs outside school but he doesn’t really socialise with those boys often. He games but usually on his own. He’s not one who really been invited to parties or over to other peoples houses so I’ve always been happy to have kids to ours but even that’s stopped.

Hes a lovely kid but I think does need to work on his social skills. I’m not sure where to even start with that. He was assessed for ASD/ADHD 18 months ago and they did say he could do with some support around his emotions. Although he’s doesn’t have ADHD (apparently, I don’t fully trust the results as they only spent an hour with him), he has some traits on the spectrum.

My DH and DS share a love some some sports so they spend time together doing this so he’s active and out of the house as this is so good for his confidence but I’m lost as to what our next steps should be. Has anyone been through this and come through the other side?

Hello, sorry to hear this. I don't have much advice but wanted you to know that neither you or your son are alone. I have a DS very similar to yours in the way that he struggles socially at times and often says he's left out etc. It is heartbreaking I truly feel for you! Have a word with his form tutor and see if they can perhaps pair him up with another child who has similar interests?

I would speak to school. One to get the bullying stopped and two to get him some support, help with lunchtime clubs, maybe a mentor from an older year. This needs sorted now. Please get school involved. Form tutor as a first step

Do he have friends outside school?

Thanks for the words of solidarity.

I have contacted his tutor. I’ve suspected things weren’t right for a few weeks so got in touch with her then. She had a chat to him but it’s only now he’s told me exactly what he’s going through. I’ve asked for a call and to be fair, she’s pretty responsive.

What exactly could school do to help? Is there anything I can suggest to them?

I feel awful now. I thought he was just having some pre-teen hormonal issues but can see now how sad he’s been. He’s good at masking. He does sensory seek and I’ve noticed that’s become worse recently (touching surfaces).

He’s only in Y7, so they have a duty of care to ensure he’s transitioned from primary. School also have a duty of care to any student to ensure their mental health doesn’t suffer, They can do a number of things:

1. make sure he attends lunchtime clubs so that he isn’t alone wandering aimlessly
2. make sure that he mixes with kinder boys during form time
3. alert other teachers so that he’s included in groups of kinder boys during group lessons (eg science practical, drama etc)
4. make sure he has a mentor (this could a year 8 kid or a 6th former)
5. Have a word with 1 or 2 of the sensible, kinder boys and tell them to watch out for him and include him
6. ask the school what they do in these situations - it won’t be the first or last time that a child is feeling lost and or is being bullied. They must have some plans in place.

some things you can do:

*encourage him to talk to you
*invite these two friends over (either he does it, or you do it via the parents - have you got a parents’ what’s app group?)
*if a play date is out of the question, then ask him to get the gamer tag name of these two friends and get him to play online with them - if this means upping his screen time so he gets more bonding time with these kids then that is ok
*find out through him what the other kids do at school and break times and try to get him involved
*let him have stuff that makes him feel on par with his peers eg a smartphone if he doesn’t have one already but make sure you keep an eye on any what’s app groups as these can be an easy place to bully/exclude
*keep talking to school

best of luck to you and him. You and he are doing your best. You WILL come out the other side.