DH socialising

[olympicsrock]

We moved house for my job 2.5 years ago. DH has not made any friends here and wants to make friends but he is wfh and does not take the opportunity to be friendly with nice people.
He is convinced that if he joins a different golf club this will resolve the issues as he can only be friends with people who share hobbies that they can do together.
Today he watched DS play hockey for the first time ( 2.5 hours) The other parents are v friendly . He chose not to speak to any other parents or learn any of the names of the boys playing as he preferred just to sit alone and watch the game.

Then he said he didn’t want a family holiday at May half term as he’d prefer to save money and play golf comps at the club that he was in the waiting list for. I said this was daft as he has not yet joined and could be months .
So I said I might do a girls weekend instead to our holiday home, just one flight to pay for. And he said but then I can’t play golf if you don’t take the children.

Honestly i feel like I’m going mad. This evening he was hunched shoulders and looked sad. I gave him a hug, said I loved him and asked if he would talk and he said no. I’m upset not sad.

I don’t know what to do here .

I think, when he is ready to chat, you need to gently highlight that
a) he isn't likely to make friends when sitting on a waiting list
b) it is actually allowed to have friends from more than one place
c) even if people such as the fellow parents don't end up being particularly close friends, you can still be friendly / sociable with them
d) that it is doing no-one any good, him living in the new place for 2.5 years and not speaking to anyone

Re the holiday - he does have a point but , as a parent, you have to plan to cover all your dcs' holidays with your annual leave. Both of you. How much that means you can have some 'solo time' (each of you - be it your girls' holiday or his golf competitions) will depend on age of dc, amount of AL you both have and if you have willing grandparents they might stay with.

There is also the fact that he moved for your career, knowing he would know no-one and that wfh makes it difficult to get to know more people without making a conscious effort to join things. Presumably this was discussed before the move, and how things might pan out ?

Is your DH shy?
As an adult one has to be quite active to make friends.

Do you have many friends, OP?
Can he be friends with your friends?

I hope it will all work out for you!

Thanks both for your replies. I think he may have social anxiety but when he likes people / feels comfortable he is outgoing and gregarious.
He has always hated parties / dinners with new people but tends to dismiss people as not his sort of people before getting to know them.
In our old place he made fiends often via me ie husbands of my friends. But now I introduce him to people and he dismisses perfectly nice people.

The more he avoids chatting the more stressful it becomes. He feels isolated.

I find chatting to other parents at a match fairly easy and these parents were male , very outgoing and have lots in common with our family.

I’m pinning hope on this golf club when it finally arrives for him to make friends. The May holiday is minutiae really But then to hear that he thinks we should avoid any time away is not great. I think in his mind he is planning to just move into the golf club.

I do appreciate your kind words. Was just lying ruminating about all this.

Yes, let's hope for the best with the golf club!

Perhaps your husband can reconnect with old friends, friends from his childhood/school years? Even if they don't live close anymore, they could still meet up somewhere and catch up, talk memories.

Another thing. I agree with @NewName24 who wrote
"even if people such as the fellow parents don't end up being particularly close friends, you can still be friendly / sociable with them"
This is true! And also sometimes you find that after a few years you have actually become friends with the people you were just making small talk with earlier.

@olympicsrock You sound like a very considerate and kind wife.

Thanks @SkaneTos . Very kind. I’ve invited a group of his uni friends and their families to stay for his birthday .

@olympicsrock That sounds lovely!