Not wanting to be defined by Autism

[Siabot]

We are struggling at the moment to find DS (Y11) a suitable college course/place for September. He is autistic and has an EHCP. His SEN caseworker wants to have a consultation with a College that has an autism provision, specifically for autistic learners not yet ready to enter mainstream education.

But DS doesn’t want to go there. He said he doesn’t want to be defined by autism. He seems to view autism as a very negative thing which I think feeds into his difficulties with low mood. He doesn’t want to talk about it.

I’m at a loss as to how to help him. I think he would be happier if he was more accepting of his autism. I’m not trying to pretend it’s a superpower or anything. I’d just like to help him be content with who he is.

I think that's a really hard age with autism as you start to realize it's not special or a superpower & also when you realize that it won't go away. I think he would benefit from being in a peer group with other autistic students so he doesn't feel like the odd one out.

Do they have clubs or extra curricular activities at the college. Perhaps if he could go along to see this he might find something that sparks his interest & something where he feels like he fits in.

Well done to DS for wanting to be defined as him not anything else.

Thing is, everyone needs help of various varieties through their lives. Strongest most successful among us seek it out and take it most.

My favourite survey is from
Harvard, where they went through the records of all their students for 50 years and found that the people who’d done best after education were the ones who’d had more extra input - eg therapy, year off for stress - than everyone else.

Taking Help = a sign of strength.

My dd is autistic and she went through a phase when she was first diagnosed of talking about it all the time and trying to link her all behaviour and thoughts to her autism. It was a bit tiresome but it gave us a lot of chances to talk about how some behaviours are typical to most people and why some things are harder for her and where she might need extra help.

So I'm wondering if that might be a good approach for your ds. Breaking it down into individual goals and then discussing if his autism makes those things more or less challenging. So what is he hoping to get out of school - some good friends - does autism make that easier or harder? If harder, then perhaps a specialist school would help. A good education - does having autism make that easier or harder? If easier - then mainstream might be better etc.

I think it might help to separate the actual challenges/things he wants from who he is.

When my dd shuts down and refuses to talk about difficult things, I explain to her why we need to talk about it - that I can't help her if she doesn't tell me what she's thinking. What also helps is to tell her I'm going to guess why she doesn't want to talk about it, then throw in some random ideas which either makes her laugh or get so exasperated she just blurts out what's on her mind. Talking in the car or sitting on her bed not facing each other (sometimes with a box of malteasers) also helps so she doesn't have to look at me.

I'm also autistic and have adhd and I've learned to be quite analytical - "I'm finding this situation challenging, is that related to my autism/adhd? if so what strategies can I deploy to make my life easier". It feels more positive to me that way. I also like noticing when they help me do things better cause at least then I get some balance.

It sounds like he's picked up on attitudes around him, I never tell people I'm autistic because they look at me like I've grown a second head. He's probably had that response a lot so has a very negative perception. I'm not sure how you help him overcome that, counselling? ... or perhaps looking to see if there autism mentors/coaches in your area. Somehow he needs help to see that autism isn't a curse, it's something that needs managing, and he can do that with the right help and support.

Has anyone else seen this? It's absolutely shocking. The arrogance is breathtaking, particularly as Ofsted is notoriously SO tyrannical about data/evidence when it passes judgement on schools. I would like to know whether any fabricated evidence was involved in the inspection that preceded Ruth Perry's suicide.

www.theguardian.com/education/2024/feb/03/ofsted-inspectors-make-up-evidence-about-a-schools-performance-when-it-fails

I'm so sorry, I meant to create a new thread, I'm not sure how I managed to mess it up! Ignore me.

DD was diagnosed at the beginning of Y12 and we pointed out that if the school knows than they can help. If they don't know it will end like her GSCE years, anxiety and panic, chaos and depression.

We talked to the clinic we used for the diagnosis and also her therapist (for the anxiety) who suggested ASD in the first place and both recommened ongoing therapy to learn to accept and embrace it. Not to be defined by it but to learn how to be you and how to deal with the world around you.

They suggested Neuroaffirmative therapy.

Similar here,year 11 ds with autism diagnosis.

Things have changed this year with son suddenly becoming quite independent.

His school senco has been great in giving evidence for his PIP award,however when he was due his phone assessment, son refused to pick up the phone and said to me he doesnt have any difficulties and he doesn't want to be known as autistic. So I've supported this. Awful for him to think he is different or somehow disabled, it really wrecks his self esteem.
He wont continue his dla to pip process and whilst looking around colleges last week he told me not to tell anyone he has asd,signed up to a plumbing course and lets see.

Obviously if there is problems I'll step in but he is adamant he will be ok.

It’s difficult isn’t it, he definitely needs some sort of therapy to help him feel positive about himself. I was recommended a couple of charities that might help but he won’t engage.

He was diagnosed as a young child but he was unaware and lived in his own happy little world. All fell apart once he started secondary school.

@Inlimboin50s DS made me appointee for his PIP which we are in the process of applying for. He refuses to open a bank account as he thinks they are not safe and he has no interest in money. I’m assuming if we need a phone assessment they’ll speak to me? DS wouldn’t respond.

He’s got very limited choice with college courses because he’s not sitting any GCSES.

I know Lego passion is autistic boy stereotype, but perhaps is route to a job other than college?
https://www.timeout.com/uk/news/dream-job-alert-legoland-is-hiring-a-master-model-builder-082123

what are his passions?

DS isn’t interested in Lego but I’d love that job! DS doesn’t appear to be passionate about anything right now.

If he isn’t interested in anything, he may be depressed? 😔