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DA, false allegations ex partner help please

8 replies

CaMina · 03/02/2024 04:49

Hi

I left a DA situation last year. I didn't have evidence as he kept everything. I ended up being too scared to fight up so we essentially have 50/50, I have the kids a bit more than that.

He won't follow our CAO. His response is always to start throwing out accusations or to turn up at my bosses with my belongings smashed. Lots of nasty messages but "within the law".

CPS finally investigating as kids had bruising, though sounds like it will all be covered up. He was also allowing predators around our children, but again it's been covered up.

Every week I get messages about how I'm a bad mother. He uses Miss X and sends exclamation marks, says how I'm abusing the kids because I won't give him things for them (but it's shared care, he doesnt pay CMS, he pays nothing towards our kids). He's now sent me a list again, claiming I've stolen his belongings. I haven't. I've stated 3 times now that I do not have them. And things I do have, I return.

He's now saying the kids are constantly crying because I abuse them, because I won't give him things for them.

They're honestly not nice messages and are meant to affect my mental health/depression. When we lived together, him and his friends would often tell me in far nastier words, how I was a bad mother and I should unalive myself. Everything I did was wrong. I was there to clean his house and if I tried to say no to sex, there would be banging and shouting and "f sake, what do I have you here for, then?"

But he also wouldn't let me leave back to my families, either.. he constantly told me if I did, he would be taking the children, he would get full custody etc. our of fear, my choice was to stay for years.

I don't know how to keep responding to his stories. I've got nearly £900 of receipts now, since September, where he is continuing financial abuse. He's finally admitted he had all our cutlery (children's cutlery was going missing from lunch boxes, I had to repurchase) and the missing school uniforms - but only so he can claim I have his. Except I don't. I repurchased. Again, and again, and again.

I don't want to send him receipts. I had to do this when we lived together - not often, just sometimes. I don't see why I need to prove to him I provide for our children. He didn't even buy their lunch boxes etc.

How do I reply or deal with the constant made up stories? I've tried telling social services, that he's intentionally fabricating stories to affect my MH and parenting of the kids (it's always just before handover). They just said "call the police" (it's not nasty enough for police to care, idk, they are degrading me as a parent but he's not stupid enough to put in writing "unalive yourself") or contact my domestic abuse worker.

I've already told him I don't have his stuff and won't respond to consistant false allegations. His response is essentially (again) that I don't care about our kids and am abusive.

Idk what to do anymore.

OP posts:
Properjob · 03/02/2024 05:57

OP just sending a handhold, more knowledgable peeps will be along to help. Your DA worker should be helping more.
You need to get your children away from this man. They are being damaged both mentally and physically. Try and find the strength to go back to court and meanwhile buy some wooden cutlery for lunchboxes Flowers

Doctorbear · 03/02/2024 06:13

Op - the police will be interested. This is controlling and coercive behaviour. Keep a record of everything that is happening including all the messages and report the abuse.

Meadowfinch · 03/02/2024 06:55

Yes, definitely. Write an abuse diary. Page a day - record every single little thing.

Take photos of messages, photos of any bruises. photos of smashed items. Everything.

After a month of his nastiness & bullying, go to the police and report coercive control. They will listen. Then provide all the details to the team looking into his abuse of your dcs. xx

Fraaahnces · 03/02/2024 07:24

Darling, report him to the police and let them know that he is frightening you as well. Move back to your family. He won’t bother putting any effort into getting a lawyer.

CaMina · 03/02/2024 09:22

I've tried reporting before and they said it was nasty but not bad enough to be coersive control as he's not threatened to physically hurt me?

OP posts:
Undercover4ever · 03/02/2024 12:02

As others have said write everything down. Photograph. Talk to the school to see if your children are experiencing any issues or mention anything of concern. It was a combination of school, SS and DA worker who involved police and arrested ex due to emotional harm to children and coercive control. I didn't make the complaint. But I am told it really is pot luck with the police being onboard or not and very surprised it was taken seriously enough to arrest immediately with lots of bail conditions and dvpn in place. DA worker told me to document everything and the police say they will need this too. Good luck.

greenbeansnspinach · 03/02/2024 15:38

CaMina · 03/02/2024 09:22

I've tried reporting before and they said it was nasty but not bad enough to be coersive control as he's not threatened to physically hurt me?

Coercive control doesn’t need to involve threats of physical harm at all. If you get an uninformed and unhelpful response from the police, go back with your DA worker and request to see a sergeant, who should be more clued up. Especially in combination with physical injuries to the children, your and their situation should be taken very seriously.

CaMina · 03/02/2024 22:02

So police said I can't prove he smashed the stuff. And I got a bunch of messages today about how I'm bullying him and "who will you report me to next, the police?"

🥴 He has messages telling me not to report to the police, so.

I will ask my DA worker again, and ask for more help. I think it doesn't help I underplay stuff unless I'm upset and then I just sound hysterical 🫠

I have been keeping a diary but only when things happen

OP posts:
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