Am I expecting too much?

[Autumnisbeautiful1]

I’m feeling disconnected from my OH.

We both work. He’s out the house in a people centred job and works more hours than I do but we make the same amount of money, I work WFH besides 1/2 days p/w if this is any consolation. I have a day off in the week and spend it with our LO 3 yrs old. He thinks I’m being over the top because I expect him to wash some dishes (he hasn’t washed a dish in over 6 months). He doesn’t cook eventhough he is capable, he doesn’t say where’s my dinner but it’s an unspoken expectation. He would never (and hasn’t) hoovered since we moved in here last January and doesn’t wash his clothes - we put them all in together. He will come in, sit down, put sports on and I basically serve him dinner and then go eat in the kitchen with Lo, do the whole bedtime alone and he usually comes in for 10-20 minutes to play with Lo. He does spend time with us on his days off or if he is starting late we will go out for a coffee, so it’s not like we don’t do or spent time together - I think this is important to note. 2 months ago I moved into the Lo room as my OH wasn’t getting enough sleep as Lo was rolling around our bed and he has to get up some days at 5am (mostly it’s 6/7am). So I moved to Lo room to allow Oh to get enough sleep. I’ve seen a shift in my mood, I feel isolated and lack connection of any sort with Oh. I raised this with Oh he firstly said it was best this way (because he is now sleeping) and then went on to say there’s nothing stopping me coming into the big bed after Lo falls asleep. Which is a good point - I just lie and fall asleep with LO and tbh I’m not motivated to get up because I feel this lack of connection with OH which I appreciate me not going into see him is making it worse. Please help. Should I make more effort? What can I do to get back on track with OH.
Weve been together for over a decade and have been quite up and down a lot over the years but we are committed to each other. TIA

I also want to add a further point which I don’t understand but maybe someone who works out the house and leaves early a lot will. He leaves his breakfast bowl and mug on the sofa every SINGLE day. I tell him please put it in the sink and he just goes ‘mmhmm’ and sometimes does it and sometimes doesn’t. Why is he doing that when I ask him not too? Because he knows I will do it? But where’s his desire to help me? Because he doesn’t see it as a big deal? Is it a control thing? It drives me crazy - should it not bother me? Should I just continue to put the damn bowl and mug in the sink? He also does it with his plates, etc about 70/80% of the time and then I feel weird/ kind of on edge asking him - is that on me feeling weird, I’m confused why he does this. His mum told me he never ever helped around their house and seemingly never felt guilty about letting others do everything. I would not say he’s that bad with me because I see the effort he puts into work and that basically most of his time outside work is spent responsibly, ie going for coffee with me/Lo or doing something at the weekend (when he isn’t working). He doesn’t do anything with Lo on his own - just to add. Sorry for the rant!

What makes you think he is committed? Sounds like he just needs a housekeeper.

He is a lazy asshole and this stops now.
You give him an ultimatum, he pulls his socks up or he is out. Give him a time frame if you are feeling generous.
You list every single job that needs doing and put names against each task. After a week if there is no change you dump his lazy arse.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. Don't apologise for the rant - many people would feel exactly as you do.

From what you have posted, it really seems he is not even doing the bare minimum (not washing a dish in 6 months is mad!) and is taking you for granted because he knows you will do it. Why do you allow him to get away with this? Are you trying to avoid a conflict? Have you grown up in a household where men are expected to do nothing?

If it is making you unhappy (and it is if you are posting on here), you really need to make it clear that you are unhappy/ angry. You could set some rules - what do you need him to do? E.g. Wash his own dishes, prepare dinner on the weekends. Write them out if needed and stick it on the fridge. If he steps up that's great, if not then ask yourself do you want to live with someone who has so little respect for how you feel? His behaviour is affecting your marriage- he needs to change.

One last thing, you mentioned he is being responsible for spending time with you and LO on the weekend, like he is doing you a favour. Spending time with family is normal and not special at all.

I hope things work out for you - you deserve more then this.

What are you getting out of this "relationship?"

He doesn’t eat with you either?

He should be cooking 3 days a week.

Of course he can put his own stuff in the sink. He chooses not to because you will.

This. 100%. Don't waste any more time with him unless he starts doing his fair share.

Because of everything we have been through and we’ve stood together. Not that it’s impossible I may be being naive

Thanks for this and previous poster who mentioned about rules too. I will try this and be very clear.
I avoid contact because of how I’ve learnt he reacts to requests or difference of opinion.
My dad was and still is wonderful to my mum. My mum on the other hand has been the one who was the shouter in their relationship which maybe had an impact on me. Never the less I am very close with my parents and if I've taken a trait from them it’s being too forgiving and conflict avoidant.

I just don’t understand people like this though - why do people not do something they know annoys the other and is so simple to correct?

None of us are perfect but if someone let alone my wife/husband/ partner kept asking me over and over to do something and they explained why and how it makes them feel I’d do it. Wouldn’t you all? Please can someone explain his logic. It actually makes his life harder not doing it…

he doesn’t want to split up so it’s t trying to get me to do it.

“I also want to add a further point which I don’t understand but maybe someone who works out the house and leaves early a lot will.”

This made me quite sad to read, you twisting yourself in knots to accept that he’s an arsehole.

I have worked 100% WFH.
I have also been a morning shift factory shift manager, when I left home at 04:00 everyday, then worked 06:00-18:00, so not home until 20:00. I didn’t relocate as it was 6 month stint.

In both scenarios I was the sane person : i.e. NOT AN ARSEHOLE.

Next time you skivvy yourself picking up his bowl like a maid, count the seconds (because it will be seconds) it takes to put it in the dishwasher.

Then try to keep convincing yourself that it’s just because he has an early start 🤷🏻‍♀️

What is the point in the relationship? He is incredibly disrespectful. He treats you like a housekeeper. There is no intimacy or friendship. He's just absolutely bloody horrible. I really think you could do with speaking to a counsellor about the future.

He does not change because he does not need to.

He does not want to split up because he has a very easy time.

Seriously, if you were him would you want to split up?

Look up an article written by Matthew Fray: She divorced me because I left my dishes in the kitchen sink

Jesus Christ, op, stop being his skivvy and the doormat he wipes his lazy fucking feet on. You feel disconnected from him because he has zero respect or consideration for you. He's an absolute dick. What a pathetic, useless man. I'm enraged on your behalf, and it saddens me that you clearly don't realise how shit your marriage is.