What would you do if...

[Troublee]

NC for this. What would you do.

You have in your life a dear person in dire need of help for Big Issue 1, Big Issue 2, and Big Issue 3. Individually all are severely complex issues, but collectively - they put dear person at risk, and dear person's DC at risk. Dear Person is a buttoned up person, and after many months of various people encouraging Dear Person to seek help, it is deflected, and denied. You yourself offer help - talking helplines, practical, material help - but fundamentally Dear Person will not seek help. Finally, you give in and send off what can be described as a support-call/request for help/report - to those who might be able to intervene. And then people do intervene pressuring Dear Person to please seek help.

But then Dear Person suspects you, sees this as a betrayal and cuts you off.

Absolutely fucking tormented by it. Wish had never done it. Dear person's friendship means a lot to me, but I figured, despite the risk of this lashing out, Dear person's wellbeing, welfare, survival, health and life mean more to me.

What would you do? Apart from beating self over head with sledgehammer of regret, would you go and fess to Dear person (who isnt present enough to be fully concentrating/taking in simple things even currently) - or would you not?

hopeful bump

I'm sorry you're upset

I think I would reflect on the fact that a rift was probably inevitable due to the other person's mental health issues.

I would practice self care for my unavoidable loss and follow advice for grief.

Post is a tad confusing to read but from the gist. You reached out for help for someone who didn't want it?

I had to do this with my Ex H. I had ti stop taking it all on myself. We had been split 3/4 years by the time I contacted his good friends and told them everything. They stepped up, were over visiting within a week (200-300 miles) and my EX H is now no longer a depressive raging alcoholic and has turned his life around.

He went mad at me at the time, as I expected. But I couldn't shoulder it all on my own anymore

So, you were acting in the best interest of DFriend's children, you mention 'risk'?
That is safeguarding and not negotiable if you are truly seeing a risk.

All of you are correct.

more than Dear person's children, dear person themselves are struggling so visibly with 3 intersecting issues. So yes, sure, one could worry about the DC, but more visibly to me and others in my position - if Dear person does not get help, they might fall very badly ill, end up injured, or worse - as an outcome of any one or all 3 of their intersecting issues.

I regret doing it because I have been suspected and cut off.

Sorry you were cut off

While I would be very hurt, I would comfort myself that what I did, I did for the good of said friend and her DC even if friend cannot see that at this moment in time.

I struggled to follow your post. Are you saying a friend and their dc were at risk, friend wouldn't heed your advice so you made a call to the relevant services? Friend realised it was you who made the call so won't speak to you?

If so, that's sad but why are you beating yourself up and what are you asking? You had no choice other than to do what you did. If that ends the friendship so be it - the welfare of your friend and their dc is more important.

Hopefully once the issues you refer to have been sorted your friend will realise you were acting in their best interests.

Yes you are all correct.

Each individual issue of the 3 Big Issues which are tormenting friend- are individually significant enough to have entire boards dedicated to them here on Mumsnet, and have entire charities and support services dedicated to them outside of Mumsnet. But friend themself does not accept/seek any of the help. I had to let someone know out of fear for friend's safety.

But yes, being suspected and cut off is causing profound waves of guilt/regret/second guessing/sense of What Have I done...

Their child(ren) are at risk - that trumps it all IMO

You did the right thing, hopefully the right people are now involved and helping the situation.

As I understand it, there was a child at risk so you sensible raised the concern with the appropriate authorities and now they’ve cut you off? There was no option for you to take. The child needs protecting.

Thanks everyone for the reassurance. Apologies for not going into super specific details but everyone has understood the basic gist of it.

There’s no perfect regret-free solution here. Can you try to stop torturing yourself with the idea that there is? You did the right thing. If you hadn’t done anything, you’d be feeling awful and agonising over not doing anything.

But yes, being suspected and cut off is causing profound waves of guilt/regret/second guessing/sense of What Have I done...

Really not getting why you might feel guilt and regret.

It was a moral dilemma from what I can see. There was the right thing and the easier more self serving thing. You absolutely did the right one. Hopefully friend will come round and thank you some day but maybe not, and that very tough for you. Please be proud of yourself for being strong enough to do the right thing.

Don't confess OP. They'll eventually stop suspecting you. You've done the right thing and have nothing to feel bad about.

Especially if there are DC involved.

Guilt: Guilt at having made things difficult for friend - even more difficult than her dire condition currently. Guilt at making her feel betrayed/let down. Guilt at how alone friend might be feeling at suspecting someone friend trusted has (in her eyes) somehow betrayed friend.

Regret: Well of course I would rather have kept a channel of communication open. It tooks ages to get anything out of friend, but once friend opened up, at least this was an open communication channel. And regret at a friendship lost.

Hope that slightly explains...

Many, many moons ago - someone - (a man) used silent treatment with me, and I distinctly recall the agony of it, because I was effectively left to figure out over an extensive period of time that - voila, he wouldn't ever speak to me again.

Many many moons later - in this completely NOT comparable situation - perhaps something is getting triggered about that period in the past where a simple cut off without discussion strategy was employed.

But surely you should only feel guilt and regret if you think you've done something wrong. And from what you say you haven't.
You've acted in your friend's best interests.

Reading the first couple of sentences, I wondered if you were my friend. This is really tough for you. I have basically one person who I am almost completely honest with about the reality of the many different problems in my life. She gently tries to persuade me to get help and I can’t/ don’t usually follow her advice. There have been occasional times when I have told her about things that could lead to harm to me and so indirectly harm my children, and she is clear at those crisis points that if I didn’t seek professional help she would intervene and inform someone of the risks. In the moment I hate her for that, but in the long-term I am grateful. She has never yet had to do it. It’s really hard to accept help, especially if it feels like someone is pushing me into it, and I know that must be really difficult for my friend and I hate having to put her in these situations. I do apologise and thank her when things are more stable. I really hope your friend can also come round to seeing that you had to do what you did in the best interests of her and her children and in time she can reach a place where she is glad you did.
I typed all that and realised that your friend doesn’t definitely know it was you, but obviously strongly suspects or wouldn’t have cut you off. Maybe all you can do is know you did the right thing for her and her children in a difficult situation and be proud of yourself for that even though it cost you the friendship.

Wow thank you so much for taking the time to write it out. You are very brave and kind.

It’s going to be a bumpy time ahead for my friend and I know I must not put my sense of grief/impatience/loss ahead of the main issue here which is : friend getting the help urgently needed.

easier said than done..

You did the right thing. You would have far greater regrets if you had not intervened and something had happened to your friend or children.

Give it time, when the friend is better they may see things differently to now.

I suppose my thinking is that - various people had already tried to intervene (and failed, or been deflected or rejected). In some ways me adding another element to the mix may have snapped the camel’s back so to speak and not done all that much use? I mean - if it was the case that absolutely nobody had tried anything to offer help then that would be one thing but I suppose. But, I feel like if I hadn’t done what I did - not all that difference would be made anyway but at least I’d not have been cut off. Basically - the gains of my action I think are very few (for friend or anyone) but the fallout has obviously been dramatic.

She's put you in a very unfair position. You know she and her child are at risk. She knows you are a true friend and will act as a true friend does in trying to help the situation. Now she has cut you off but actually she's just made life worse for herself. Personally I would really struggle seeing a friend or family member self-destruct. I would have done what you did. If you still think the child is at risk then I think you should email NSPCC. I did the same and they were very very helpful.

Yeah it feels shit but what else could you do. Someone cut me off and we didn't speak for a few years when I tried to help in a similar sort of vein. You did what you felt was right, time to look after yourself and if you are open to it be there for your loved one when they are ready.

Sorry you’re upset but personally I’d lose all the friends I have if it was to help one child at risk.