Do you apologise when there's no fault involved?

[Merrow]

A text exchange with DP reminded me that our reactions to this are completely different.

For context: DS2 has just had his vaccinations and is feverish, irritable and generally a pitiful state. I'm back at work (WFH) and have spent the night breastfeeding DS2, DP (on shared parental leave) has spent the day trying to rock DS2 to sleep. No one is their best self.

DS2 is finally in a fitful sleep (on DP) when the doorbell rings. I answer (because of the sleeping baby) and have a conversation with a stranger about how no, the car with the window down isn't ours and no, I'm not sure who's it is but I know it's definitely not our immediate neighbours. They leave, I go back to work and get a text from DP asking what's going on and how DS2 almost woke up and if I'm on the phone I need to have the door closed. I explain and think no more of it. DP says that they wanted a "sorry". I apologise and everything is fine.

But the thing is it didn't occur to me to apologise, and I don't see why DP wanted one, and this is a semi frequent thing. I apologise if I've done something wrong (for instance, I would have done if I'd been on the phone with the door open) but I don't when there's no fault at play. And I find it bizarre that DP sees it as just standard politeness to apologise!

He’s a plonker. And that’s me being nice.

What? He wanted to you to apologise for answering the door? Controlling and weird.

TBF if the circumstances were opposite I would get an apology - probably something about "sorry for the noise there's an issue with a neighbours car that someone wanted to talk about." It's genuinely a politeness thing in their view. But it's so bizarre to me!

I wouldn't apologise in this circumstance because there is nothing to apologise for.

If you hadn't answered the door presumably the person would have kept knocking and possibly woken DS up. I'd text DP back and ask for an apology.

No, just no. If lm sorry and l have done something wrong / made a mistake. But because some random person banged on my door then no

Well I'm glad this is DP weirdness then! Admittedly my family is, to put it politely, quite emotionally stunted so I was fully prepared to accept that this was a social nicety that had passed me by, but it confuses me every time it comes up (admittedly rarely). I think the logic is that you can be sorry about the situation without being at fault, and when something goes wrong externally it's still an empathetic response to apologise?

Sorry but I do find the demand for an apology a little worrying

Nah it's honestly fine - I've realised my role in such events is to provide an apology from the universe at large. In this instance "I'm sorry that DS2 is unwell, it has been a rubbish day, I'm glad he didn't wake up". That's what I mean about fault I guess - it's more the "I'm sorry you didn't get the job" side of apologies.

No apology needed in that case imo. Well, maybe the person who rang the doorbell. Like you say, if it was something in your control then maybe. Otherwise no.

If you're often made to apologise for things that aren't your fault I'd reconsider the relationship personally.

I just don't feel right about it. The fact that you've posted, the fact he is asking when he knows you're not "at fault".

If it was your way of speaking I would get it, but to explicitly communicate that you "want" a sorry is troubling.

Your baby is very young, are they your first?

"I apologised and everything is fine." What do you think might happen if you didn't apologise? Do you think their would be huffing, and moodiness? Would he pull you up on it?

I think an adult man asking for an apology like that is v weird.

The door went. You answered it. You went back to work? Tell him to find the random person who knocked on the door and ask them for an apology if he was that bothered.

Well weird

I wouldn't apologise either - why on earth should you?

I sort of get where he's coming from. It's like when someone dies and you might say 'I'm sorry' to their friends/relatives even though you obviously had no part in the person's death. We do use 'sorry' in that context.

The texting you to pull you up on not apologising though is a bit odd.

But the person at the door was at fault so DH could say ‘I’m sorry’ to op. That makes no sense

The texting was purely because of the sleeping baby, we normally have conversations! And actually DP has apologised for being moody today so this might have not been the best example of the no-fault apology situation. I'm trying to think of another time I've been bamboozled by the thought that an apology would be appropriate, but it is a rare event so I can't think of one right now.

Oh, DP apologised to me when the shaking of the washing machine knocked something upstairs and damaged the paintwork that had just been done upstairs. I was trying to work out why it was in any way anyone's fault, but it was more "sorry that I've realised something that was perfect isn't perfect any more".

The best way I can think about it is a conversion I was having with an American friend about saying please and thank you in restaurants. She was saying that it's considered rude where she's from because it's like you're treating the people who work there like servants, while I don't think I couldn't say thank you even if it was the social normal. It feels like that sort of disconnect in how DP and I view apologies.

The person at the door wasn't at fault either. It's as the OP says, he wants her to apologise for the universe. Similar to when someone dies and we say 'sorry' not because we've done anything wrong but because we're sorry that people die/that people feel grief.