I have to get this man out of my head

[Getonnow]

We're friends, but we had a ridiculous drunken snog fest at a Christmas party. Not work related, we don't work together.

Our friendship is a good one, not especially close, we don't spend much time alone together, more usually with a group of friends. He texts me quite often, more than other friends do, but texts are only chatty, nothing sexual, maybe occasionally a very slight flirty undertone.

Anyway, he's married but separating. Before Christmas I'd always seen him as a married friend, never as anything more. Although he'd told me they were separating in October, we were mates and it genuinely hadn't occurred to me that we'd ever be anything else. After we kissed he asked me if I'd ever thought about it (implying that he had?) and I really hadn't.

I'd specifically told him he should spend some time enjoying being on his own, but that when he's ready he'll find a rich dating pool. Even then, I wasn't considering that I might be one or TBH that he'd consider me. He's an attractive, solvent, kind and funny 50yo in good shape. He's going to have plenty of opportunity!

I believe all that. He's my friend, he's been unhappy for a long time, I'd like to see him happy. I don't particularly want a relationship either and it would be a shame to spoil the friendship. I do mean that.

We talked after our incident, agreed it was fun evening, no regrets, but that as he's still living with his wife, he's not in a position to progress things, even if either of us wanted it. Maybe I was used for a bit of fun, but I enjoyed it too. The texting has become more frequent since then, but still only friendly.

So, anyway. I'm happy in my single life, he's got loads to sort out, we're friends enjoying life. BUT I can't get the damn man out of my head. I'm watching my phone constantly, analysing messages that are too short, or wondering what's going on when he doesn't appear able/willing to chat. Re-reading messages looking for extra meaning. FWIW he starts the text chats more often than I do. Sometimes they go back and forth for ages, sometimes they'll just be one or two messages. I'm really not getting involved with a married man still living at home, but my head doesn't seem to be getting the message!

FGS I'm 53 yo and this hasn't happened to me in about 30 years. How do I switch this off?

Oh dear, am I just doomed?

He has got under your skin, hasn't he...
To get him out of your head it would help to have way less/no interaction for a while. Until he is out of his current situation and you can explore the possibility of a romantic connection; or until you have got over him and can be friends again. It can happen but you need space.

He really has.

I'm away next week, which should be good, but I can't really leave my phone at home. I think, probably, he will leave me alone while I'm away and whilst I can recognise that would be a good thing, it won't stop me looking and hoping

Bless!! 🌷

Plus you had some kind of snog so it’s a little bit trickier.

I would caution - that although he says he’s separated there may be complications you’re not aware of?

If it’s any help, it will eventually pass. Either it will wither away or he’ll make a move. You can be pleasant and encouraging but if he’s genuinely interested, he’ll go for it. That’s what available men do heh?!

Meanwhile plan holidays, days and evenings out. Tidy your bedroom 😂.

As for being 53, I developed a crush at 61 so it can happen anytime. There was a buzz between us but it fizzled out when it became clear to me he had a girlfriend !

he's not in a position to progress things, even if either of us wanted it

Hmm … Just make sure he’s not ducking you about, using you for a bit of emotional relief in his separation drama. He might be liking the attention. That would not be fair to you unless he had genuine intentions. Maybe back off and see what happens. Look after your own spiritual and emotional interests first. Always.

Yes, I know all of that. I don't think he's doing it deliberately, but he's finding his way after a long marriage and no doubt has his own intern conflicts. I'm sure I am a convenient friend/sounding board and occasional ego boost, now, even if there is a possibility of something else later. That's why I need to get a grip. It's how that's the problem for me.

I'm sure there are complications, it would be a miracle if there weren't. Even if it's all exactly as he says, he needs to find somewhere to live and work out how they'll pay for 2 homes, which isn't going to happen overnight. All good reasons why I need to get my head out of this.

Well if you know all this already apologies for stating the obvious!

"but that when he's ready he'll find a rich dating pool."

Really? Why did you tell him that if you weren't meaning yourself? The dating pool is fucking cesspit

We were chatting as friends about what life as a single man might look like for him. IME a half human presentable 50yo man won't stay single for long if he doesn't want to.