The idea of having more than one makes me anxious… is this enough reason to be one and done?

[Maybeonendone]

I’m pregnant with our first (and possibly only) child. I know the decision doesn’t have to be made for a very long time over whether to have another or not - realistically we could have a 10 year age gap if we wanted. Having one still seems controversial even though it shouldn’t be. This baby is already so loved, and we want to strive to give them the best life possible as I’m sure most parents feel the same.

I struggle to picture myself anything less than frazzled with two. Here are some of the reasons

• I work full time in a job I love. I want to keep working, even if I drop my hours, because it forms my identity and I enjoy it.
• Childcare. Wow, it’s expensive. Even if funded hours come in, doing it a second time whilst paying for wraparound care is a lot.
• I worry of how I’d meet the needs of two children, now and in the future. DH and I earn decently enough but by no means rich and I don’t know that we could afford to help with two sets of driving lessons, two weddings, two university fees if that’s the path they choose.
• I would feel a lot of pressure to make things equal, energy, time and money wise. I’d feel an extra dose of guilt if one took most my attention.
• Though DH does most the cleaning and cooking I’ll admit, he works shifts so there will be plenty of time where I’m doing nights on my own with our baby. I can’t imagine having two getting up in tandem.

Essentially, I’m not sure I could be a good mum/wife or happy and chilled individual with more than one but I don’t want that decision for ease in the short term to be a decision we regret in years to come when we don’t have two adult children for example. Our DC will also likely have no same age cousins in their close network which is a huge factor in having another, but know there’s no promise they’ll get along anyway.

Has anyone else thought similar to me and what did you choose in the end?

Honestly I wouldn't waste your brain space on this now. Your first hasn't even arrived yet! You don't need 'good enoigh' reasons to 'only' have one. If you want one child then that's fine, for whatever reason. Just as people who choose to not have children or people who choose to have four or more

But honestly I'd not waste your time worrying about this now. You might love the whole baby process so much you can't wait to do it again. Work might feel so different you change your work pattern. You have no idea how it will be when your baby is here so I'd honestly stop worrying about it!

These sort of decisions tend to make themselves. It's really not something that you can think about right now.

I’ve stuck with one and I’m very glad I did for many reasons, but I wouldn’t say only children are controversial. So many parents with children where I live and at work have stopped at one. A friend decided to have two and really regrets it. I think only children are becoming more common especially with both parents working full time, cost of living, house prices, etc.

But as others have said, please don’t worry about it now! I wanted three and stopped at one when realised what it was like. You might want one and decide to have more! It’s so personal.

I'm on the other side never just wanted 1..saw the upset and no support when a only friend lost both parents in an accident and she was all alone. I was brought up in a big loving family as was hubby and we wanted 4 and have 4 and by gum I love it, yes it's hard occasionally but the love and communication and warmth our family uas I wouldn't change

You don't need a whole list of reasons not to have another child. The only 2 questions are: do you want another, and can you afford it. If the answer to either is no, then don't have any more.

I stuck at one child, simply because I didn't want any more. It really is not controversial at all, the millions of only children including myself can assure you! I always eye roll at all the hand wringing.

All alone? Her parents were the ONLY people in her life? No partner, children, friends, extended family?

"All alone" is so ridiculously dramatic.

You may think that it's dramatic, but it is quite realistic. Extended families are getting less and less with the amount of people having only children. Once you are a second gen only, then there are no Aunts/Uncles/Cousins/etc to have an extended family with. Many people don't have close friends any more due to work pressures/moving from the area they grew up/cliques. Less people are having partners as it's hard to socialise around long working hours/affordable and safe places to socialise and far less people are having children or they are too young to be of any help.

Some things worth considering:

• Lifelong bond
• Shared experiences and memories
• Adventures and memories together
• Enhanced social skills
• learning important life lessons like sharing and compromising
• Building resilience and cooperation
• Natural playmate and companion
• Future support in times of need
• Celebrating family traditions together
• Reducing feelings of loneliness
• Creating a larger family network

Having one child is also a valid decision, and it can still result in a very happy and fulfilled family life.

Maybe you were so busy raising your, erm, 'close happy family' that you didn't look around you and see all the other people successfully forming close relationships despite the myriad of factors outlined?
Classic Mumsnetter.
And FYI the same things above apply to siblings. They can move away, be too busy to communicate thanks to life pressures, growing up together doesn't necessarily mean a lifelong close bond. Even Shakespeare plays had lots of instances of people hating their siblings, it really isn't new and not parents' fault.

We started our family planning to have just one, but after a few years we decided to go for another. We have 2 dcs now and no plans for any more.

We've been fortunate financially so that the cost of childcare and supporting our dcs into adulthood isn't a concern for us, and tbh that was one motivation for going ahead, the finances weren't an issue. But even then, I've found myself stretched more thinly - even taking both dcs out together on my own, or supporting the older one with homework and music practice is hard when there's a toddler roaming! And dc1 goes to loads of extracurriculars and I'm not sure how we'll manage to juggle 2 dcs doing them in the future. So life is definitely harder with 2 and there are more compromises to be had. DH and I split the task of bedtimes and one of us takes a child each - it is hard work for me to put them both to bed (I've had to do it occasionally when DH works late but only a few times).

I don't regret the decision at all and seeing them play together and keep each other company on day trips and holidays is just lovely. There is also a bit of a sense of fitting in, to have the expected family of 4, it just feels balanced and a nice dynamic.

You have to put in the effort with friendships if you don't want to be on your own. I'm closer to some of my friends than my own family.

We had one child for exactly the same reasons. She has grown up very well rounded, lots of lifelong friends. It’s worked really well for us. Husband is one of four and they have all fallen out ! My daughter loves being an only child 🧒

Not by choice but we have an only child.

He matured well and has a lot of friends and has a lovely GF. He went along to football and air cadets and has social skills that are like mine and his Fathers which are very good. He makes friends easily and has very good manners.

People saying it’s weird are wrong.

Families are potential ready made social networks. However it’s a network not of anyone’s choosing. I am one of six siblings, it’s so big I joke it’s enough for a decent data set for a study. Myself and one sister get on so well we would have chosen each other as friends one is a truly dreadful person who I wish I had never met and the rest are really nice people but we have the accident of birth as our only actual link and nothing in common.

you absolutely don't have to make this decision right now! So much of it depends on how you feel about motherhood after you've actually done it: work may become less important, childcare may become cheaper (OK, I am clearly talking out of my bum on that one!), once you've done nights with one you know how to do nights with two...

You're looking into the unknown and catastrophising around how hard it will be to do it twice when you don't even know how to do it once!

And that said, I only have one and am entirely, utterly happy with that decision. One is perfect if one is what you want.

My son is 1 now and I still feel like this. If I had bags of money and/ or any family help yes I’d have another. I’m slightly envious of people who can manage with two or three. But realistically I think we will be a happier family as a three and that’s a good enough reason for me.

You don't need to give yourself an excuse, one child is fine if that's what you want. You also don't need to think about this for a single second when you haven't even tried being a mother of one yet.

As others have said don’t bother worrying about it now, I think we always thought we’d have two probably because we both have one sibling. We are not particularly close to either but it is nice to have someone else who you grew up with around and myself and my sibling really helped each other when one of our parents died a few years ago. Having said that though, I’m sure support can be found with friends and other family if I had been an only child.

after we had our first I found it all so hard that I said ‘never again!’ But 2 years down the line I warmed to the idea, it just felt right for us to have 2. I am now 29 weeks and still have the worries you describe but I figured everyone goes through that and manages. It’s very normal to have more than one child and there will be ups and downs. My main worries are finances, mourning my relationship with my first as it’s bound to change, what if I can’t give them both enough time/love, will me and my husband get any time together, how will I cope with sleepless nights again eyc but ultimately we’re just doing it anyway. We figured these worries are normal and there will be challenges but it’ll sort itself out in the end x