Please help with toddlers behavior

[Rugs1]

Hello.. i am looking for some advice on how to manage my toddlers behavior, it's making me feel so down and i feel like I can't manage it.

He is 3.5 and has always been more energy and had phases of being difficult.. which I thought passed and things got better, but lately it seems worse than ever.

He is a twin, and his twin brother is very calm, gentle and often at the receiving end. Very easy to manage.

Nursery told me that he spat on some sand, and kicked the other day. I feel like there is always something (even had an incident letter once as he was playing and hit someone with some pole / stick ). He doesn't listen at home, doesn't sit down to eat properly generally, will throw things (not frequently and not hard, but still does it), will push his brother, shouts.

We do time outs, try and tell him calmly etc. Is this a sign off something, what am i doing wrong, i am scared he will be kicked out of nursery, and generally dread nursery call and am losing sleep over the fact that he will grow up being aggressive and why this doesn't pass.

No issues with speech or development. Speaks very well, is actually advanced in that aspect, so is not related to the fact that there is lack of understanding (he understands.. will say no or laugh for example if getting told off :( )

First thing I would do is assess for SEN. Then think about how he is punished, do you actually follow through with the punishment, or does he know you won’t?

Calm, consistent, carry through with discipline, so a 5 minute timeout means 5 minutes. No exceptions. Reward the good stuff.

Where did he learn to spit? That seems like learned behaviour rather than a reflex. Remove any bad influences.

Ask the nursery their opinion, but yes might be worth asking the GP for an assessment of SEN.

Thank you, we do try and carry through, but will try harder for everything.

we honestly don’t spit at home besides brushing teeth together , so I don’t know where he has learned that

in terms of SEN, what could this be a sign off ? I have already asked for meeting with nursery next week and ask then

Hi OP - just wondered how you got on with your toddler? I ask because I could write your post myself. Really struggling at the moment with DS 3 behavior. Hitting and biting, very strong willed, struggles to interact can be very hyperactive, can get really fixated on particular topics. Constant calls from nursery and an meeting with a pediatric consultant soon. Just wondering how it has worked out for you?

Hello. Sorry for late reply. He is absolutely fine now. Definitely still stubborn but understands a lot better and those behaviours went away. He never actually hit anyone, just his twin that he pushed etc before, along with other behaviours I mentioned which nursery had mentioned.

He has calmed down a lot and is actually a very caring boy, he will tell us he loves us and his twin - is not very protective of his twin. I can leave them and they will play. He will ‘torement’ him - ie just take a toy and not give it back etc, but that is the extent of it, he stops when someone is getting upset. We go out to eat a lot, go on trains , buses regularly and he’s great , loves being out, sits nicely etc. Even get compliments on their behaviour which is definitely not something I’ve had in prior 3 years !
He definitely turned a corner. The hardest part is some tantrums now , but that’s to the extent that he will jump up and down if tired and can’t do something he really wants etc. We didn’t change anything , so maybe he just grew out of it or it was a phase… or maybe something else impacting it. Did cut down his nursery days by just a day, as maybe it was too much being cooped up all week - and have a nanny who takes them out on one day - they love this.