Complicated possible romantic situation with flatmate?

[berrysherry]

A couple of years ago I moved back to my home city after having studied in London for 6 years, initially I lived with my family then I put out some feelers and found a room flat sharing with a guy I've known since I was a young teenager. He is 9 years older than me and was a friend of a friends brothers. Back then he was too old for us to really be friends but he did stick out as the nicest guy and was always really kind to us.

Anyway, he had a room in the area I wanted to live and so I moved in and its been great. I am now 25 and he is 34, part of the reason I moved back home was after the break up of my relationship and I wasn't looking to date for a while. I think my flatmate has wanted a more serious relationship for a while and I think we fell into a pattern of being each others person. I was aware he was attracted to me and I enjoyed the closeness we have without having the pressure of a actual relationship.

Last year there was a woman who was interested in him, she was closer to his age, a couple of years older and they went out for bit. I thought she was really nice but he ended it after a couple of months. Last weekend told me had feelings for me and that was why he had ended things with the other woman.

I feel like now I need to either just move out and make a clean break with him (difficult as we have many of the same friends) so that he can move on or actually try dating him. I wouldn't be opposed to dating him at all its just that we live together (and he's my landlord) and that makes in more complicated again!

I just don't know what to do, I know this must happen and that flatmates probably get together all the time but how do they do it without it getting messy?

Question number 1 is do you actually fancy him?

Is there any chemistry between you? Do you have fun and flirt when you're together?

To be honest, you don't sound that interested in him, and I would imagine things would have already happened if there really was any chemistry. It sounds a bit like you're think of dating him because it'd be easier than moving out, and you don't feel like you can stay now that he's declared feelings? This is a crazy reason to date someone,

You don’t seem that keen on the idea of dating him to be honest.

@HappyAsASandboy Yeah I do fancy him, I always have really. We do have fun and flirt, we got close living just the two of us. We'll sit watching TV under a blanket together and he'll stroke my legs which I suppose is pretty intimate.

I think I just have a lot of rules in my head for things like he's too old for me or he's my flatmate / landlord although as you say he have already crossed the line on some of that stuff anyway.

you don’t sound like you want to date him
you have a long list of reasons why you’re not that into him
sounds like if you were not living on the same flat/house you would just say no to dating
so I think you should just go out and say, sorry but I do not feel the same and look for a new place to live - unless you both can get past the weridness of living on the same place when you rejected him and also assuming he won’t sulk about it for too long

I feel like if we were just friends and he'd asked me out I would be really pleased and say yes. I don't think I am as emotional as lots of other people seem to be.

Can you easily move out? Dating and living together this early would be a very pressurised environment, even if he wasn’t your landlord.

You have already moved passed‘just friends’ with the cuddling on sofa so there is an attraction there.

if you can’t move out I’d be wary about this Tbh … even if it worked out I think living together so soon would cause issues

I think you've probably crossed the line already where you can't go back to just being 'landlord and tenant'. I've never cuddled under a blanket with any of my landlords! So I think whether you date or not, you probably need to look for a new place to live. Because if you are dating and things go wrong, you are stuck living together. And if you decide not to date, well, that's a lot of weird tension in the house to go back to being totally just housemates. Why not give it a go if you fancy him? But be honest with him that you may start looking at other places to live because if a relationship does develop from it, then you can start off on equal footing and each having your own space to see where things go in the future.

I have a friend who moved into a houseshare around that age. Started dating one of her housemates about a year later and they are now married over a decade with 2 kids. So it's not an uncommon situation!

I can't imagine how to work it out - but it's interesting! Lodgers & landladies, gentlemen & housekeepers, have been getting together for as long as people have had spare rooms. But I've never thought before about the mechanics of the thing - as you're already living together and have a familiar relationship, do you instantly become like a married couple as soon as you start having sex? Would that be weird, or does the day-to-day familiarity mean you've already done the whole dating/courtship phase? What if it goes wrong?

It's gonna be awkward to carry on living together if you reject him, anyway. Since you reckon you're interested, I guess you may as well go for it. Might be wise to discuss things first.

Hope you'll let us know what happens!

I think if you fancy him, you know he is a nice guy and outside of these circumstances you would be happy to date him then you should go for it.
Life is too short!
If it doesn't work out you are in no different position to move out/make a clean break.
Go for it!! Sounds like it could have a happy ending!

"I've never cuddled under a blanket with any of my landlords!"

@mindutopia To be fair most of my landlords have not been as cute as he is!

@2024GarlicCloves Yes, thank you, I think you totally get what my issue is! In lots of ways we are like a couple already so once we start sleeping together its will be like an instant long term relationship or will things shift? At the moment we each have our own space in the flat our bedrooms but if we are a couple what happens there? Its just lots of things to figure out that you wouldn't normally have to worry about at the start of a relationship!

I am a bit bemused!

If I was single and he was single and we were u see a blanket and he was stroking my leg and I fancied him, I have held his hand and we'd have been snogging in not very long at all!

What do you do when you're under a blanket and he's stroking your leg? Just ignore it? Tell him to stop?

@HappyAsASandboy No I like him to do it, I asked him to, my Dad used to do it when I was a kid, I love it. It doesn't have to be sexual!

I don’t think it’s anything to do with ‘emotion’, just recognising that starting to date someone whose house you already live in as his lodger includes certain potential logistical issues.

You go out on a first date. For some reason it goes badly. Normally you would cut things short and go home, but his home is your home! Or it goes well, and you go home together afterwards — are you more likely to sleep with him sooner than you would consider in another new relationship, maybe sooner than you’re comfortable with, because there you are, kissing in the upstairs hallway because you both live there? Or you have a fight, and there he is, pottering in the kitchen or jogging the loo. Or he raises the rent. Or tells you you needn’t pay him rent any more because you’re his girlfriend, just as you’re contemplating ending it.

Do you feel strongly enough about him to consider moving out, to remove extra complications?

@Sinkapace I think you do understand my concerns, I really don't think he'd be an arsehole about things if they went badly but I suppose you never know. I love living here with him, its a very harmonious home as it is. However it may be better to move out before we started dating for all the reasons you suggest.

I say go for it. If it all goes wrong you move out. Moving out first for him to potentially have somebody else move in and change the dynamic in the house seems a bit extreme.

It’s not even ‘would he be an arsehole’ for me, more a matter of whether it would add unnecessary complications to a potentially good relationship.

I mean, assuming it goes well, it could easily turn into one of those ‘easy default’ situations where you don’t ever go out together because there you are, under the same roof unless you’re at work or out with friends. I think it could be easy to drift along without thinking whether it’s necessarily right for you because it’s easy, and you don’t need to think about things like how often you see one another after three months, or six, or a year, or about potentially moving in together, which are usual points where you think about how serious the relationship is, or how committed you are to it.

I mean, you know you best, but I think I would struggle with feeling the relationship was less ‘free’ than if we lived separately and had to make an active choice to choose to see one another etc.

@WorkCleanRepeat I see what you are saying! Yeah I agree with that as well. Hmm I do want to try with him.

@Sinkapace I see your point as well.

I think I am going to have to make some real ground rules if we do this and have a very open conversation with him rather than as you say it just becoming the easy option. I think he is very sure he wants me and has turned down other women because of his feelings for me. I have turned down other men as well but more because I made a choice to stay single but I suppose he was already meeting my needs in lots of ways.

Well, you’ve got two separate things to deal with here.

The first is finding a new place to live, regardless of whether or not you’re going to pursue a relationship with him. You’ve crossed that line now, and your current home is never going to be just a home again. It’s too complicated a situation.

Secondly, do you actually fancy him? You say he’s looking for a serious, long-term relationship. Are you? Because you don’t sound so sure.

@PossumintheHouse I do fancy him, and I certainly want to sleep with him.

I think he is looking for someone to settle down with and to marry, have kids with. I want those things as well be perhaps not quite as soon as he does but I could be flexible for the right person. I wish he were a little closer to my age or me to his but nothing is ever perfect. I know he's a good man.

@berrysherry How did it go in the end? An update?

To me, this sounds more of a goer than meeting a random stranger, who you potentially have no chemistry with on line.

He is taking advantage of you and your vulnerable situation.

I would move you and block him.