8 year old DS picked on for his interests

[Cloudbuggi]

My 8 year old DS is increasingly isolated at school because he is not interested in the same things as the other boys. He enjoys reading, animals, art, board games and randomly loves sewing and knitting (I'm rubbish at both but he spends a lot of time with my mum and she taught him). The other boys are almost exclusively into football and online gaming (fortnite, minecraft etc). DS has got a gaming console but has almost no interest in it or really any other screen based activity. He doesn't like football at all. Most of the boys seem to get their love of football from their Dads but DH could not be less interested in it himself so I wonder if this is a factor.

It is at the point now where he is left out and often picked on. He used to get on with some of the girls but they're at the age now where there is a major gender divide and now the two he was closest to will not play with him because he is a boy.

I have enrolled him in clubs outside school (cubs, tennis etc) and he enjoys them but it is the same story there.

His teacher's solution was that he should try to like what the other boys like - I have tried to encourage him to give some things a go but he likes what he likes so what can I do?! Part of the issue is he is very sensitive and finds even minor violence in video games upsetting.

Has anyone else had this? Is there anything more I can do?

Not all boys like online gaming or football. Are there other activities your son might enjoy - Drama, swimming, karate, perhaps badminton?

I do agree with this, although it's a really tough lesson to learn at 8 years old.

IMO the teacher should be working to break down the 'girls won't play with boys' attitude - that's the one that's rooted in gender roles/ misogyny and isn't something we should be teaching children. It's OK if he doesn't spend as much time with boys who all play football together.

Dh is totally uninterested in football. Ds has loved it from as soon as he could walk, so it doesn't necessarily follow. Equally well, my dad was very into sports of all types, and my brother is not interested. And my dad lives 300 miles away and has never particularly talked football with ds, so it wasn't him following grandad.

The problem with not likely football as a boy (and I'm not saying that he should be interested) is that give a boy a football and they'll all join in, of all ages. There's nothing really like that for girls. My ds suggested talking, but even that tends to be in small groups not the whole lot.
So I can see how he may find it harder to gel with the boys.

Tbf ds' best friends until he was about 7 or 8yo were the girls, although it did tend to be the more physical girls, looking back. He's now (aged 16yo) got a nice group mostly boys where they do go to the park and play football, but also go to the cinema or play chess or, as far as I can tell, eat the content of each other's houses.

I don't think you should discourage his interests at all. One of dh's friends is a tailor and is brilliant at his job.
However you could look at a few things which are not football, but may find a few friends. Tennis is a nice one, generally far more boys than girls, but even team tennis you don't get the team spirit in the way when they're playing all together, so if you're looking that way, then perhaps go for something more team game.
He sounds like he enjoys and is good with his hands, maybe a lego club, or if you could find something that does modelling? Ds hated crafts but loved airfix at that age (I otoh used to find the cries of "mum, I've dropped piece C34 and can't find it" "What does it look like?" "well it's a plane window so about 2mm square and see through...")
Drama if he likes the idea normally has a few boys, and they love the boys too! Ds started drama because I said he had to do something. He was unimpressed for around 6 months before he asked to join another class. At one point he was doing 15 hours a week on various drama/MT classes, and, although he is currently doing less, he still enjoys it and they're a really lovely supportive group who send silly (and I mean very silly at times) messages on WhatsApp and get on very well. At times they have an almost sibling relationship because the core group have known each other so long, but newcomers also are welcomed in.

Sorry I don't have any advice. Your son sounds lovely, and I'm sure more intelligent than any of his school mates and I hope he finds some friends soon. I think he should continue to enjoy what he enjoys and not conform especially to those lower standards

My son is 11 now and quite similar, although happily for him his more football loving friends have never left him out. As he's got older his love of screens has definitely increased so your boy may yet turn into a gamer (not that that's necessarily a good thing!). My lad has also enjoyed a couple of more niche sports, such as bouldering, and there are some like minded kids there. I'd suggest just try everything and as he gets older he'll find more of his tribe. I know it's really hard to see them left out, sending love

I agree with the poster who said that it would be more helpful to try and steer the kids aways from the gender split, rather than encouraging your son to play football.

My 8 yo isn't a football boy either. It sounds ridiculous to type this but it does actually make friendships and socialising that bit harder for him. Because 95% of the boys at school live and breathe football, and play it every break time and lunch time, they go to football camps in the holidays and have football themed birthday parties. The girls at school are his friends and luckily we've not yet got to the gender divide in his year group yet but I can imagine it's tough. We are lucky that there's one other boy in his year group who is also not into football so they play together too. But this boy is obsessed with rugby, which my son also has no interest in 😂

It feels like ages away but our non football boys will come into their own at high school I think. There will be more children and more clubs for the more niche things my son is into.

Sorry no advice but just know you're not alone! Oh and my husband is mad about football, watches it all the time and a season ticket holder - my son has never been remotely interested !

Ignore the teacher. My DS wasn't into football at age 7 and one of the teachers said "the other boys don't like him because he doesn't play football or X-box" which apparently was what they expected of 7 year olds!

My DS is not exactly a good example though because he's now at a very small specialist school where he can't see the other children after school because they live 30 miles away.

However my DD sounds like she has very similar interests to your DS - cycling, swimming, crafts and Cubs - she mainly plays with boys at playtime though has a few female friends from Cubs. She can't stand football though she tried it at a girls' club, and doesn't play X-box (she's 9). I therefore very much doubt she's talking to the boys about that kind of thing so there must be boys who do other things.

If he has friends he likes that are not quite so much part of the crowd (boys or girls) I'd recommend inviting them along to a one:one active type playdate e.g. my DD has been asking to see one lad we know so we are going trampolining tonight with him and his mum who I know.

The boys at school are very unlikely to be as homogenous as they seem. Are you/he friendly enough with any of the others to have 1 or 2 over to play? You would probably find that away from the group individuals are more willing to try something your ds wants to do.

I think the school could do a lot more here. I disagree with a pp that bigger schools are better as I can see that having large numbers leads more to the herd mentality approach. Our v small village primary has really diverse activities in breaks and lunchtimes, based on the current interests of the children there. They also have staff engaged with children at all break and lunchtimes as play leaders and activity coordinators which helps to ensure children include others. Our school for eg has a loom band club and an allotment club that you can go to at lunchtimes, rather than having to hare round with a ball.

I have a ds of a similar age and he is obsessed with football, which obviously helps him, but in other ways he is less typical. He never games, doesn't have devices and is quite young in himself (still loves Paddington, dinosaurs, playing with toy cars etc). I have found the one or two over for playdates approach has worked really well.

My son was similar. However, around Y6 some of the boys lose interest in football - I think they start to figure out what they really like to do and what they are good at. And, as others have said, secondary is a better chance to meet like-minded friends. Make sure to avoid sports-obsessed schools though!

Have you spoken to his Cubs leaders? The programme is so wide and varied that they should be covering aspects that would appeal to your son. From this he might identify someone that he clicks with. Maybe take a look at his badge book and see if there are any badges that he wants to work towards that the leaders could incorporate into their plan for the term. The challenge badges that they should all be working towards are really varied.
I think that it's great that your son has the confidence to be who he is. Sometimes it takes a little while to find their tribe. We found things easier once we got to secondary.

I feel for you, its a rubbish thing to have to watch - and it might be years before he finds his tribe. I know young adults (nieces, nephews, friends children) who had to go to high school/ 6th form/ uni before they found their fit. Clever and quirky can find it hard. I think the most important thing is to try and support his self-esteem through it, celebrate his interests - it is definitely them not him.

To be honest my DS feigned an interest in football at this age to fit in - and he's not particularly quirky - just a PC gamer and likes outdoor activity, isn't in to competitive sport. He's only now really beginning to blossom at 14 and have the confidence your DS has now to just be himself. He's on this third set of secondary school friends - they were mixed up again for GCSE courses.

i would be beyond furious. why should your ds have to like football.
my ds hated it. he ended up playing with younger kids/girls at play time, once he went to secondary, he found his tribe. so nice to hear about a lad that doesn't follow the pack op, well done him.

Hi OP - I started this thread a few months ago as my DS had the same issue! The boys in his class were/ are massively into football and he's really not, will play occasionally but isn't bothered by it. I had some great suggestions and help a few things that have helped us are:

• emphasising to DS that his interests (Pokemon, outdoor stuff, Lego etc) are great - there's nothing wrong with being different - it would be a boring world if we all liked the same things!
• trying to put him into holiday/ out of school clubs where he'll be more likely to meet kids that share his interests - he loves a tech camp and an outdoor club that he attends
• school started a lunch time club (Lego) which he enjoys, and one day per week they can take Pokemon cards in, so that's 2 days out of 5 which he'll be busy at lunch time and not be left out if he doesn't want to play football

His teacher was very helpful actually and said he can always find her (or someone else) if he's sad at lunch time and they will find him something to do indoors - which I don't think he has, but he appreciated the offer. It's a shame that yours wasn't more helpful, is there anyone else you could speak to or a suggestion box at the school perhaps where you could suggest different clubs?

Our school only permits ball games on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It isn’t good for the boys who like football to be so one-dimensional either.

Ahhh I think 8 is a particularly difficult age for this. It seems to be the age when kids are most into defining themselves as this or that tribe and rejecting those who are “the other”. Boys v girls, football v not, gymnastics v not etc etc.

It gets a lot better by age 10 or so IME.

In a 3 form school I bet there are some other quieter, non footbally, non conforming boys somewhere. Maybe they are in the other classes and he needs some help to find them? Try hanging out in the school library? Maybe they are trying to join in with the football/fortnite chat but secretly hating it. Could your DS keep his eyes open for others who seem on the edges at playtime?

My DD is similar (although a girl obv) and it took her to I’d say mid year 4 to really find her tribe. She now has a small but lovely group of non sporty, non girly, very bookish friends and she also gets on well with the less football obsessed more cerebral boys.

Hang in there

My DS is the same, although he has always maintained some close friendships with the girls rather than feeling too isolated. He is now 10 and some of the "football boy" parents have told me that their sons don't like football, but do it to fit in. My DS has had sleepovers and spends time with these boys and they have now come over to his way of playing/hanging out.

It's unlikely that all the other boys love football, some just see it as the default. Over the next few years it will split into those who love football and play 3-4 times a week in a team and those that go off it.

My advice is to keep your DS's sense of self and interests, it will come good!

With 3 form entry there would be about 45 boys in the year group, plus younger and older boys and I'm sure a few girls who don't have a big existing friendship group (my DD was good friends with a boy in year 3/4). I think the teacher could easily have a chat with the other teachers for the year group and find out if there's anyone else in the same boat.

It is a completely shit response from a teacher the boy is 8 not 18. (I did a course with a couple of primary school teachers years back and they were so sexist in their ideas. )

I know plenty of men who dislike to hate football.

Some are into other ball team sports e.g. rugby, cricket while others are into other sports completely e.g. tennis, cycling, boxing, martial arts.

Some know they have to fake liking football as it gives them something to talk about with clients/customers while others will say what sport they are into as they participate in it regularly. They only started doing it as adults though.

My own DP detests mens football. He was forced to do it at school and was no good at it plus hated watching it. On the other hand he has watched womens football and watched entire games. He said the players attitude and behaviour is 1000x better. There as a kid he was like watching darts, wrestling and boxing. He found his tribe at secondary school and he's still friends with most of them because there were other boys who hated football as well. He only had one friend from primary who he lost touch with, but most of his long term friends are from secondary school onwards.

One of my DDs friends' dad dislikes all football. He however knows enough to say the right things to clients/customers. He is actually into cycling and tennis. So if you talk about either of those he will go on for hours. He is from a country where football wasn't the number one sport when he was growing up.