Parents of Neurodiverse Children - Advice needed!

[neurodiversityhaswreckedme]

I'm at the end of my teather with my son. He's most likely Autistic and has ADHD.

I was trying to reason with him this evening to get off his phone and do his school work. Every time I ask if he's doing it he says
'yeah' or 'he will'. I told him that I was going to take his phone away (I was trying to ask nicely and not yell like my husband does) and he snapped back at me and said "no you won't. If you do I'll sexually abuse you"

I lost my shit at him. He has no idea what the hell he's even saying. He thinks it's just words and it's no big deal. His brain doesn't process the severity of the stupid things he says sometimes. And he says things in a quite a rude authoritative tone (mimicking because he's obsessed with the police and authority type shows and jobs).

He says stupid shit (not this bad) and he doesn't think before he speaks. He says things that he either a) he assumes can be brushed off as joke (he thinks everything is a joke and if we get angry with him he'll say "I was just joking" or "jeeze it's just a joke".

He used to be so lovely and polite. But since he's gone to secondary school he's become a self absorbed rude little shit.

What can I do? How do o help him?

Sounds like normal teenage behaviour pushing the boundaries, testing out what will happen when he behaves or says certain things.

How old is he?

I hope you took his phone, and more away for that remark.

ADHD or not, there’s a line that was crossed and I’m not surprised you lost it with him.

He will learn quickly that if he doesn’t think before he speaks outside the home he could get into some very serious trouble.

I don’t think it’s normal for any child to tell their parent that they are going to sexually abuse them and try and brush it off as a joke. Maybe you should look into what he is watching and maybe arrange someone for him to speak to?

I feel your pain, OP.

DC is similar age. It’s partly hormones/ pushing boundaries etc but I think ADHD really adds an extra twist. They are far more volatile to start with.

have you tried setting up a behaviour contract? Get him to write it with you. You both agree on a set time that he switches off his devices and does his homework. Get him to agree to a limit, and refer to it if he refuses. Agree to a reward at the end of the week/month/ term if he sticks to it.

it might stop the rudeness, back chat and disrespectful behaviour before it happens.

annoyingly, I think it’s better than reacting to this rudeness

but he is old enough to address this with him, while you’re in the car etc. tell him that if that behaviour happens again, his phone will be confiscated for a set number of days..

it’s bloody hard work though

Do you have neurodiverse children?

My son really doesn’t cope well with flexible boundaries- it makes him unsettled because he doesn’t know the days you will give in and let him have more time, or when you won’t.

insecurity can lead to lashing out.

firm time boundaries (within 10 mins will help) - plus Visual/audio Reminders of Time left before he needs to stop. And a soft activity following electrics off - ie not straight into brushing teeth/bedtime but maybe a family to show etc

the explosive child is really good. Helps you figure out when the explosions will be, and how to prep your child for the scenarios they find difficult to cope with.

So he wasnt like this or struggling at all in primary?

As adhd symptoms start early on.

Eg toddler
touching everything in shops
Moving from 1 toy to another quickly at toddler groups
Can be hitting or scratching at home

Dd once tried to lock us out
Spilling things/flooding
Awful near roads

In terms of not stopping to do homework yes we get that. I have to pester dc1 for at least 20mins. However dc was like that from starting school and awful during covid homeschooling at 7 took all day just doing maths.

Did he have issues in reception?

I have to admit I have not dealt with this one or really anything like it.

i do think the idea for a calmer day of sitting down with him and writing up a behavior agreement with agreed consequences is a good one. My child likes concrete rules, she likes making those rules, and she loves finding loopholes. So the contracts we write with her have to be ironclad, but they help.

for taking away a phone, I never bother to actually take it away. Mine has an iPhone. I just go into parental controls on my phone and turn off everything on her device. No physical confrontation necessary and I don’t have to deal with the anxiety she gets from anyone touching her things.

as for what he actually said, I just don’t know. I don’t think that can go without some kind of consequence. If it were my child, I could take away devices, but I think making her write a paper on sexual assault might be more effective. That is my child though.

Age 12 or older?