Please help me :-(

[KnackeredandFedUp]

I feel like I'm sinking.

My parent died a few months ago, it was expected. We weren't overly close but I made sure their care was good & although I live away, I visited regularly.
One of my siblings has kicked off at me because I wasn't there enough though and feels like it all fell to them.
Whilst it's true I wasn't present, I was doing all of the necessary admin because I couldn't be there in person and I know (hope) it's the anger stage for them making them say this.

It doesn't feel like it's grief causing me angst, my parent was very poorly for a long time and was never going to get better and I think I have come to terms with that.

I feel swamped, swallowed up with the admin of the estate & awkward family members who are blatantly disregarding the law re the will.
I want to administer the estate, and I'm happy to take on the responsibility. To me, it's just something I need to get on and do to get it sorted, then go NC with them all.
Having stuff not sorted stresses me out. They don't want to be involved (they, like me are Executors) but they just blank me when I start to discuss Probate, etc. Everything takes so long when it's being done without anyone dragging their feet, never mind when they just blank me.

I also have a stressful job, with a boss who is a stress head (which then stresses ME).
My home life isn't great either, I am taken for granted by my DH & adult DC who still live at home. Don't get me wrong, I don't stand for it but I have to totally lose my shit before they will do stuff like tidy up/clean up after themselves, etc.
I sometimes feel it's done deliberately, to wind me up (it definitely works 🙄).

My tolerance levels are at an all time low and I'm worried if my boss has a go at me for something, I'll say 'fuck it' & resign on the spot. Boss has been amazing with compassionate leave btw, so I can't complain there.

I'm so up and down, I worry I'm going to do/say something that can't be undone/unsaid.

Any advice please? 😕 How do I get them to co-operate?

You can pay a solicitor to deal with it all. They'll take their fees out of the estate.

@pasteloblong yeah I know that but it's an unnecessary expense when someone (me) can do it all and there's no guarantee the others will reply to the solicitor - especially as one isn't a beneficiary. Could potentially end up racking up a large bill...

My dh and his younger sibling were joint executors of their late fathers will, but the sibling took over doing all the probate forms and even took over doing things my dh had said he'd do. Things were incredibly tense between them and dh would ask for information but not given it. We were also accused of some things which were very untrue.
As soon as probate was granted and the inheritance was divided and in our account we cut contact with that side of the family. One sibling had already cut contact with us due to the will, and we think this is due to this younger sibling spreading lies about why this had happened.
Honestly, things are so much less stressful not having to worry about contact. I miss my nieces and nephews and a couple of other relatives on that side, and I am sad my kids won't have a relationship with their cousins, but aside from that no downsides.

On the probate form there is a box you can tick to say the other siblings doesn't want to be involved with sorting probate and it can be all left to you. I wish we had got a solicitor to do all of the work tbh, so if you can do that I would. Might take some of the stress off your shoulders.

Thanks @longtompot it is hugely frustrating, especially as I AM keeping them informed!

They don't want the hassle of doing it themselves but aren't being very helpful to the one who wants to proceed. 🙄

Please just hand the whole thing over to a solicitor, and let them deal with it. Sure, it will cost some money, but it will be money well spent as they will ensure that the letter of the law (and the will) is adhered to.

The beneficiary who isn't an executor has nothing to do with the price of fish anyway, and should have no involvement in the process at all.

How many executors are there? You could actually resign as executor and let the others sort it out.

@WallaceinAnderland there are 3 but only 2 are beneficiaries.

As I mentioned earlier, they don't particularly want to do it but aren't being helpful to me who does want to do it!

If you resign that will leave 2 executors and they will have no choice but to either do it themselves or pay a solicitor to do it. The cost of that will come from the estate. Then whatever is left over can be distributed under the terms of the will.

This way you can forget about it, have minimal contact with siblings and one less stress on your life.

I agree but as said above, they can still drag their heels and incur high charges, even if they hand over to a solicitor. 😕

Why does that matter. You can't control their behaviour, only your own and you said this is causing you so much stress that you might give up your job. Be responsible for your own happiness and let this one go.

I would hand it all over to the solicitor to do.
This is what I’ve done although I’m the only executor.
Just don’t have the headspace to deal with it all as it’s a complex case. I don’t give a shit if all the money is eaten up by their fees tbh, I don’t see it as ‘my money’ anyway. I’ve got a lot going on in my personal life and also with work and the death and will has caused a lot of bad feeling within the family and I wanted to disassociate with it all. The solicitors do keep me informed periodically regarding how things are going etc but very minimal.
Being an executor is a huge task. Well, I guess not always, some estates are very straight forward but this one is incredibly messy.

The annoying thing is that this is a really straightforward estate, should be a doddle to do.

I've done one estate and am now doing another.

Definitely hand this shit show to a solicitor.
What you can do is to have yourself as the acting executor and ask the others whether they are willing to "reserve their power" - ie their signature would be needed once on that, and then you could wind the entire estate up yourself with no further input from them. A solicitor would help you and they obviously know exactly what they are doing and can be much more efficient than a lay person. Like a pp said - fees come out of the estate so aren't an issue.

If I honestly thought they'd co-operate with a solicitor, it would be worth doing.

The fact I'm having to even consider handing over to a solicitor shows what I'm dealing with.

They won't "reserve their power", I know that without even asking the question!

If dealing with the estate is making you so stressed and upset, the obvious answer is to bow out. But you seem really resistant to that idea.

Why is that?

I think basically I don't want to spend unnecessarily from the estate.
The actual process is fairly simple it's just dealing with numpties that's hard!

Why not just renounce your executorship. You say you get stressed by things not getting done so simply let them get on with it. Then they can drag their feet for as long as they want.
You need to remove the stress factors from your life and this is one thing in your life that you can control

Can you ask them to allow you to be the sole executor of the estate and things will move a lot faster?
If you need them to be informed about X or Y, you will do it but they have to trust that you will be able to process the estate and get probate sorted a lot quicker if there is a single point of contact for the other stakeholders/third parties to liaise with.

I'm sorry for your loss too. Even when you know it's coming, it's still not an easy thing to have to deal with and process. Sending you strength to get through this.

You could give them the choice of either handing over control to you or paying huuuuuge fees to a solicitor to sort it out. You don't have to be specific about how huge the fees might o might not be, but their greed might spur them on to act!

I assume that if you did hand it over to a solicitor they would have to agree to that, so they are having the same input (signing to say they want someone else to do it) either way.

I know from exprience that it is more stressful than you imagine trying to sort out even a straightforward estate when siblings have a good relationship. Wishing you well OP.

But is saving that money worth the effect of carrying has on your MH?

If i had to chose between my MH and money, I’d chose my MH tbh.

Yes, you need to prioritise your mental health. Do what is best for your wellbeing. Take a step back, hand over the reins and let them deal with it themselves.