How can we help children catch up from lockdown?

[Mondaymorning567]

I’ve been thinking about the thread yesterday on whether people thought that children were still impacted by lockdown. My children are a spread of primary and secondary age and although we were fortunate that we didn’t have any major problems in lockdown and they are doing well academically, I do feel that they are all socially young for their age. My 7 year old seems to me to be really very young, as do his peers. I work in Higher education and I also agree with some of the comments that said that young people seem to struggle with resilience and responsibility (keeping to deadlines and groupwork).
What can we be doing to help children and young people to overcome these issues? Will time sort it out? I know that money for services is needed, but what can we as parents do to help our children?
I know this is a thread about a thread but it seems like a different question and worth asking.
To ask teachers and parents if Covid still has an impact on kids four years on | Mumsnet

I totally agree @Mondaymorning567. DS was 11, half way through Y6 when lockdown came. Where we are this is the first year of middle school . So just as he was meant to be becoming more independent, meeting friends under his orb steam etc, he couldn't. Now he's 15, Y10, he's expected to do this, and it's like he's he doesn't know how to socialise.

DD on the other hand is 12, buzzing around, out n about and learning to explore the world and socialise for herself, in a way ds didn't have an opportunity to. We live quite rurally, which doesn't help as our bus services have been hugely reduced in the last few years.,

There is an element of personality in there, but I do worry about DS's worldliness.

It all depends on your child.
one of mine was in year 11, so didn’t sit GCSES etc and had a major impact socially as all the things you do to strive towards independence, they couldn’t. First year at uni was quite the trial.
one of the others was in year 6 at the time but is very resilient and literally bounced out of it.

It’s a personality thing imo.
I had 2 in exam years and they took it on the chin and their lives went on. They were able to understand that it was shit for everyone but as teens they had advantages like being able to socialise with friends without adult help and they’d rather that than being stuck at home with only their siblings to play with.
Things they missed out on like learning to drive when turning 17 isn’t a big deal after a couple of years because they have their licenses.

I work in primary school, infants. What I'd say as parents is to teach the social skills they've missed so play games at home, don't always let them win, show them how to lose gracefully.
Encourage independence, don't zip up their coat/wipe their bum/peel their orange automatically, let them struggle with it a bit.

Make them share at home, if they have sweets Encourage them to give you one (even if you don't want one)

Make them take turns at home, easy things like you choose a TV program then they choose one if it's screen time or you choose a game to play then they choose one.

Children are increasingly lacking in independence, social skills and resistance now. It started before covid but it has exacerbated it so much and school can't fix it alone. Lots of parents (obviously not you 'cos you're asking) expect us to do it all and don't follow through at home.

@Multipleexclamationmarks That's a great post, especially this part.

Encourage independence, don't zip up their coat/wipe their bum/peel their orange automatically, let them struggle with it a bit.

One of the most noticable things since Covid is just how many children refuse to try basic tasks, as they expect the adults at school to do these things for them. There have always been children who struggle, but they would at least try. Now we find the children just expect us to cut up food, put on shoes, wipe their nose, put on their coats, open water bottles etc

social skills they've missed so play games at home, don't always let them win, show them how to lose gracefully.

Make them take turns at home, easy things like you choose a TV program then they choose one if it's screen time or you choose a game to play then they choose one.

@Multipleexclamationmarks is this really
covid related though? Is it not more due to the abundance of devices? My friend's DC were always fighting over gaming -their solution: buy each child their own device. Rare is the child who turn down gaming to play a board game. No one needs to compromise over what to watch anymore as you can watch it on your own device.
When parents have limited time with their DC, they'd rather it was peaceful time together rather than causing arguments over shared things.

There’s correlation and causation. Not all of it is due to the lockdowns. Parenting now keeps children younger for longer. Dummies are kept in later, toilet training is delayed, bottles of milk the norm for 2 year olds, and it goes from there. Parents still baby talk their 6 and 7 year olds, I even know one mum who still spoon feeds her 6 year old for each and every meal. The kid has never put a spoon to their own mouth, and not because special needs. They let kids sleep in their beds until they’re 7, fight every battle on their behalf (even minor friendship dramas) and complain if they’re disciplined at school.

It just feels like any little push to help kids become more independent is met with cries of ‘they’re only little once’, ‘they’re not ready’, ‘let them go at their own pace’.

The lockdowns didn’t help but tbh I think it’s 80% a modern parenting issue.

Thank you @Multipleexclamationmarks that's exactly the kind of thing that is helpful. I'm wondering what practical things we should be doing. My 7 year old is still awful at losing and I feel that there is actually quite a lot of pressure as a parent to make things 'easy' for them. Trying to encourage them to persevere is definitely important. Perhaps trying to encourage hobbies that take work would be a good idea?

You’re right OP, it isn’t easy. I’m not saying I’m perfect by any stretch. I realised a while ago I was letting DD win every game and if by ‘accident’ I won she would have a tantrum. I had to persevere in winning and ride out the tantrums, now she doesn’t like losing but will accept it without tantrumming.

She was also claiming she couldn’t do basic things such as taking off her own sweatshirt, when she could; she just couldn’t be bothered.

It takes time to undo these things and if in a rush it’s tempting to just do it for a quicker life, but doesn’t pay off in the long run

Musical instrument is a good one for that. My now 8 year old found most stuff super easy so mean mummy started her on violin which isn't super easy...

We focus on valuing trying hard over "winning" so I was super pleased when 8 year old battled every inch to the finishing line to come 3rd in a race more because of the battle than the result if that makes sense. For 5 yo his aim was to run all the way up the hill and not give up...

Also, competitive sport is fine, as is being disappointed, we just have to be polite before going off in a strop - shake hands, well done, smile, then go and cry behind the curtains. If you've invested effort in something the tension/disappointment has to come out somewhere. Equally don't strop about something unimportant!

Definitely setting up opportunities to win and lose gracefully is important!

@DDPMDD
Like I said these things started to become more problematic before covid but it definitely didn't help. Children didn't go to toddler groups etc and so didn't encounter other children wanting what they had/turn taking/sharing at a young age. At home parents definitely do what's easiest, I completely understand that, many parents were trying to work from home, cope with being isolated and care for many people during covid. Its understandable that they took the easy way of giving invto a child,I did too sometimes, but when a child never has to take turns, wait, try and fail they miss being taught the ability to cope and keep trying. By the time they get to school the damage is hard to reverse .
Less people now engage in group activities with young children than before covid so although I don't think covid caused it completely it didn't help and the effects are still being seen.

I agree with everything you've said about children and young people being less resilient, but I don't think it's due to lockdown alone.
in terms of the social aspect, I think this generation are the first children who have been given tablets and devices from being toddlers. They are not used to feeling bored and being resourceful and entertaining themselves. They are not used to playing and negotiating with other children outside school hours. Except it organised activities. Obviously, Im making huge generalisations here. My eldest is 21 and I think her generation is the last without a childhood centred around being handed devices to entertain them.

@Mondaymorning567
Hobbies are definitely a positive thing imo, as @Randomsabreur says learning a musical instrument is fantastic, as are competative sports, learning the value of trying hard and both winning and losing with grace.

Out on my walk yesterday with DH 2 lads aged about 11 popped their head over a really tall fence and said hello whilst grinning. It’s a bit of waste ground along the canal that has become overgrown with huge bushes and has trees, they had probably made a den in there. There were also two groups of lads along different parts who were fishing, both group were about 14.

Kids just need to be outside a lot more, obviously it’s very dependant on where you live.

DS was secondary school age in those years. He taught his GF to play football when there was no contact allowed inside houses and he went on very long walks with a mate from his cadet unit. He also did lots of online stuff with his cadet group. He wasn’t affected.

I also worked in HE. Helicopter parenting took off in the early 2000 after tuition fees were introduced. I have many a tale of how utterly dire working in that sector became post tuition fee introduction including the quality of the students, young people that should never have been there and it was a disaster for them but with the bums on seats mentality for fees plus young people looking on it as the only option. Blair ruined HE with his targets, the rise in suicides on campus was just heartbreaking. I was very lucky to work in the last few years of what I call the golden years of HE. Plus that report at the weekend about RG Universities taking international students with lower grades, that’s been going on for years. I took early retirement ASAP.

Too many parents want their children to like them all the time, you are a parents first and not a friend. That’s what I have noticed.

@HelpMebeok great post and very true, links in with my kids need to be outside a lot more.

Are current 7 year olds really that affected? Playgroups etc were only closed for a bit of the time they were at home, lots of paid childcare settings didn't close. Being able to see friends with other children outside playing came in pretty quickly and then inside too.

And they had had plenty of that socialisation before lockdown too.

DC's year 1 and year 3 groups don't seem to have missed much or have noticeable behavioural problems.

Hi! I'm so glad I stumbled upon this. Hope I can help. I am an ex teacher and mum to a 6 yo child (who also has suspected SEN) and Covid I think has made the gap even wider for a lot of children. I was so burnt out trying to give the kids (as well as my own!) what they needed in the classroom that I had to quit my recent school after a year. I personally do think Covid exacerbated the lack of social interaction that was already happening in society, e.g. with tablets etc. They must've all picked up on our emotional state too due to fear and uncertainty over that time. I couldn't put my daughter in playgroups and she came to school with me (along with a small group of vulnerable children who couldn't stay at home) but I wish now that I had tried to find a bigger group for her to have more socialising.

I found this programme that helps children socially/emotionally which is specifically NOT therapy (I didn't want that, I just wanted her to try and catch up on her character development outside of school). My daughter goes to some of their summer camps and she loves it! They tackle social and emotional wellbeing (they're called 'Role Models'). They also give me tips on how to embed the learning at home which I've found super useful to help regulate her emotions and utilise the 'toolkit' which she's building/learning.

I think its just nice to know that there are organisations out there that are looking out for our children in the way that I'd hoped schools would adapt more to current climates.

Lockdown was definitely an issue. I ignored the rules as much as possible and my DD6 is noticeably in a better place than many of her peers, who had two years of disruption, (I'm in Scotland where it was particularly bad) plus having the fear mentioned above, which wasn't an issue in our family.
It's a shame that now everyone acknowledges what a terrible impact it's had, when at the time everyone (particularly teachers) was desperate to close schools. Anyone who pointed out that it wasn't a healthy way for children to live was shouted down. Now the 'experts' are all getting involved again, but I don't remember many of them speaking out at the time.

I think a lot depends on the individual children and the individual family. We've lots of lovely photos from the Spring/ summer of 2020 of the DC having a great time in the garden with beautiful weather and DD3 learning to walk. My DH worked fully from home and we weren't financially affected by Covid (unlike a friend where she worked in the beauty industry so massive loss of income) so our house was relaxed as I'm a sahm anyway. Now a lot of days I was loosing my mind not being able to go anywhere but the DC didn't mind and they enjoyed the time off school and the break from routine. I know another DC on our street hated the lockdown and missed school terribly.

I don't know if I'm unusual but I really don't think my kids have any lasting effects of the lockdowns. They were fine during it (although quite bored) and fine afterwards. I just think kids are extremely adaptable.
My DS (11) is young for his age and always likes to have help with things, however, I don't attribute this to lockdown. He was like it before Covid. It's just him.

Hey, you should have a look at a company called 'Role Models' in the who help with character development. My little girl loves it.