I don't know if this is the right board to post on (did see that there was a dedicated one but it looked quiet). I'm worried I might have post-natal depression and I don't know what to do about it.
My DD3 was born premature and had to spend a while in hospital, although she's doing quite well now. I had a massive post-partum haemorrhage and ended up in ICU myself for a few days because I lost so much blood. It was a very fast labour - she came very quickly - and I feel like I can barely remember it, it's all so unreal. I feel like I got everything wrong and I failed my daughter in the first days of her life and I'm still failing her now.
In the months leading up, my DD2 (who's in Reception) got a very young diagnosis of Crohn's Disease. She's doing well too, and now I'm on mat leave we've been able to negotiate late starts with school. But last week there was an "incident" - she had a major accident in class and some kids laughed at her and said typical 5-year old thoughtless comments. I think they got a serious talking to, because when DD was back in they all apologised and nobody's been anything but lovely to her since. But I feel bad because I don't feel I'm able to give her the attention she needs (never mind DD1).
DH is a camera operator and he's been, for most of the last 2 years, away for work in areas that are quite risky. Sometimes for weeks or months at a time and sometimes contact is difficult. He's on leave at the moment, but they've just asked him if he'll go to a new region in the same place for a long stint when he comes back off paternity leave. And I really wish that he wouldn't.
I don't feel like myself at all; I feel like the biggest failure. I didn't even manage to do a handover at work because of DD3's very early arrival (I should have just gone on mat leave a week back!) and I feel bad about that too. I keep having total spiralling worries at night where I worry about all the things that could happen and all the things I've done wrong, and sometimes my heart races really fast and I get all panicky and can't breathe properly. I feel like I've failed at everything and I can't stop worrying about everything that might go wrong. I'm worried that my DD3 is going to hate me because I failed her in her first few days of life. And at the same time, I feel so tired and sometimes I just want to cry and cry. I'm worried there's something seriously wrong with me and I probably should go to a doctor, but I'm worried that they'll blame me, or even that they might say I've got some serious mental disorder which I'll never recover from and have me sectioned. I can't stop worrying and I just don't know what to do.
I'm so sorry for this rambling and too long post. I just don't know how to say it better.