Struggling with dads revelation

[Xoweey]

Morning,

my mum passed away in 2019, leaving my dad who is now aged 67. Dad was devastated as we all were, but has worked hard to build his life. He threw himself into clubs/ activities etc and has built a very active social life. I’ve wondered for a while if he’s seeing someone but hadn’t asked him directly, he’s often away for weekends with friends, out for dinner etc.

last week he told us that he’s been in a relationship with another man for 6 months. I’m not sure how to react.

I want him to be happy, but I can’t help that this brings his relationship with mum into question. Really struggling to get my head around this.

Him being in a relationship with a man now doesn't mean he didn't love your mum. He is just bisexual. He's clearly ok with being in an openly gay relationship but he didn't leave your mum, because he loved her and wanted to be with her. Equally maybe dating another woman would feel more like a betrayal?

I agree, it doesn’t lessen the life he had with your mum and family.

I'm glad your dad is moving on. His sexuality is irrelevant. He might not of ever known he could be attracted to the same sex, he might of always known. The point is was with your mum and by all accounts was very happy. Take small steps, and when your ready meet the gentleman and slowly get to know him as you would if it was a woman. Don't worry about labelling their relationship for now.

I understand it must be a shock.

What do you know?

You know that your dad loved your mum very much.
You know if you had a good family life growing up.
You know if your dad was and is a good dad.
You know if your dad was and is a good person.

I know that your dad has a good relationship with you and trusts you, as he felt confident enough to share his news with you that he's now in a new relationship.

I understand that him now being with a man is not the new relationship you were expecting.

I'd suggest that you take some time to process it, then have a chat with your dad. I'm sure he'd understand that him now being with a man is unexpected for you. If you have a loving relationship, these sorts of conversations are ok to have. No judgement from you, just "help me understand please dad".

Does it really matter?

It doesn’t call into question his relationship with your mother at all.

What questions does it raise?

I think a lot of people would struggle with this and be questioning their memories and "life story" particularly if you thought your parents had a good and happy marriage....

Two things here

1. A new relationship is fine to be "fine with" in the abstract. The reality can be difficult especially as a "child" so any new relationship might have been a bit of jolt when it actually manifested.

1. It is natural to be surprised it's a man as it's not exactly something you'd expected. And I can understand why you are struggling because it feels like there was a secret he was keeping that's been revealed/ a hidden part of himself.

I suppose in the same way as if you found out something like he'd had a secret wife or family before he married your mum. It's unexpected and therefore surprising/shocking. (Nothing to do with homophobia per se... But that may also be at play/ making it hard to digest? I don't know)

It was probably quite hard for him to tell you I'm not sure what to suggest. Possibly time to digest will help and maybe talking to him more about it can help you frame the narrative.

I guess you’re having to think about your dad’s sexuality for the first time - the assumption had always been that he was straight and you likely never thought anything more about it. So it’s weird to think actively about your dad in terms of his sexuality. Maybe you want to know if he was really happy with your mum? (If he is bi then absolutely no reason why not). Being bi doesn’t mean people are more likely to cheat. They just have a bigger choice. Maybe you’re worrying that he regretted being with your mum, or was spending his marriage wondering about other options. Tbh this could just as well be the case for anyone when they get together with someone new after being bereaved. How come they’ve gone for THAT type of woman now? How come they’ve changed?

Think about what you feel you would like to ask your dad, what’s worrying you. Then sit on it for a while perhaps, maybe meet his partner, see how he talks about him, think about what your dad might be worried about you assuming etc. Get a bit more used to the new situation. And have a chat with him if you can. But please don’t assume his marriage with your mum was “wrong” because of this.

This happened to my DH although in his case it was his mum who was widowed and began a relationship with another woman.

After the initial surprise, it was a completely positive and lovely thing- tbh even more positive and lovely than if she’d got together with a bloke because it felt much less to DH like someone “replacing” his father- there wasn’t some old chap trying to step in as pater familias. It was a complete different sort of relationship and it made MIL very happy.

It really doesn’t mean anything about your dad’s relationship with your mum. Lots of people can feel attracted to both sexes. It doesn’t mean your parents didn’t have a completely happy and fulfilling relationship. It doesn’t reflect on their relationship in any way- it’s something different. It’s a new aspect of your dad that you’re learning about.

But I completely get that it’s a surprise and also that a parent having a new relationship is always an adjustment and can be difficult for children. Give yourself some time.

He could be bisexual. It doesn't mean he loved your mum any less.

As long as he's happy it dosent matter does it?

That is lovely, sensible advice! Thank you, if have said this too