My Mother doesn't want to hear anything about me or my life.

[SnooMoo]

My mum who is in her late mid 60s and recently retired will call me several times a week to chat which is fine. However she has some health issues and will talk at length about them or about the health issues of her friends in great detail and repeatedly as well as about her life. If I start to talk about anything in my life and especially my health she just doesn't want to hear it. She will just shut me down, saying loudly over me as I am talking "well that's enough about that" even before I get a single sentence out or she will say, she needs to go or otherwise change the subject.

Even when I was a young teenager she hated if I tried to tell her about my period cramps, I was only young and just looking for a bit of comfort off my mum but she would put her hand up and tell me she just didn't want to know as it wore her down to hear about it and that I went on and on. Looking back I never did, I never got the chance to! It seem though that everyone else's health is fair game, the lady in the local shop has polyps in her bowel, her older sister needs a hip replacement or she is having this or that blood test.

I feel like anything I say to her about myself or my family has to be as brief and to the point as possible or else she will start sighing impatiently, talking over me and saying she must go if I'm going to be droning on even if I've only just opened my mouth after she has talked for an hour!

Most of the time I just let it wash over me but other times I find it so upsetting, like I am just not important to her, while everyone else gets her full attention. I just don't get it.

We live a few hours away but I do try to drive down to visit her and my Dad every few weeks with the kids but even then I sense I am not to say too much about myself as if any news of my life irritates her.

This is not a small thing, she's been doing it your whole life.

If you read up on Childhood Emotional Neglect, not listening to your children is one of the criteria. I'm not saying you have suffered CEN as a whole, I'm saying this to illustrate it is a significant issue.

How you progress is a personal decision, but the first thing to do is to acknowledge to yourself that this is not right or supportive.

I hear you. No advice, but you're not alone.

I'd make those every few weeks, every few months. Those visits sound like very hard work and what do you and the kids get out of them?.

Well I get to see my Father who is lovely!

If it bothers you, point it out a couple of times. If she still leaves no gap for you to update her about yourself, then just do the same back to her, shut her down.

Health talk can be a bit of a downer, but she should not dump her stuff on to you and not reciprocate. If she hates health talk, it works both ways.

If you have a few health problems, can you vent on mumsnet? I know it isn’t the same, but you might be able to get talk and tips from someone who has the same issues?

At least seeing dad is something good. 😁

@coldcallerbaiter They aren't major issues it would just be stuff like I got my bloods back and I'm getting some iron tablets or that my hospital appointment is on the 19th. That kind of thing, I always feel very careful not to overshare. I think when I was a teen I felt like she was saying because it was me, her daughter, she felt my pain so deeply that it upset her too much to hear about any suffering I was having and I didn't want to upset her so I never said much. She was never a cuddly, warm mother.

Tell her you're not interested in her health problems or those of her friends. See what she does then.

@pasteloblong If I try to shut her down she goes in a big huff with me, she is absolutely dying to tell me all her gossip.

Sounds like she really can't bear to hear of your difficulties.
There's a name for this but it's not on the tip of my tongue.

Please don't dismiss it as it's ingrained but you must protect yourself.

If she cuts you off and changes subject then say 'sorry I need to go, byeee.'
If she brings your behaviour up then tell her why, that you find her dismissive. If she doesn't accept it then carries on then cut the conversation.

It all sounds very difficult.

She can't have you being unwell because then she wouldn't get the attention for being unwell. My DH is like this too, if I'm sick he's like right take some painkillers then. If he's sick it's a whole ordeal with constant moaning etc. Only one can win the competition of who is the sickest for some mental reason.

It just feels like a punch in the guts sometimes, its isn't even just health related stuff, its pretty much anything. Like she doesn't see me as a real person somehow.

Snap, me too on iron…

Let us give her the benefit of the doubt. Health issues creep her out. As long as she is interested in the rest of your life, then it could be overlooked.

I actually cannot tell my mum anything about my or dc health as she worries and can keep wanting updates, which is annoying. She cares too much, but it can look as if is all about how she feels and is worried, so we do not say a word. I have hidden operations from her and told her years later……whatever the mechanism, some people just cannot help their lifelong behaviour.

You're not allowed show any vulnerability? She literally spells this out to you "that enough of that now" 😔

You not alone :-(
My mother has a really marked response to my trying to communicate something that I need her to hear. I've been trying for four years now. I get defensiveness, dismissiveness, the cold shoulder...until I go back to performing the few emotions I'm allowed. Positivity, gratitude, respect (respect = reflect back my view of myself).

If I could go back in time I might frame the obstacle to our communication with a question. Eg, " I would like to communicate something to you and I'd like you to hearwhat I'm saying, can I trust you to listen?"

I sometimes wonder if id said this first,would it have made my mother more conscious of her own reactions and defensiveness.

Oh just seen your update. She doesn’t care about any of your life at all? Wow, I cannot understand that.

I don't know maybe she's just really disappointed in me? She has said a few times that I just do what I want and suit myself, whereas she always felt she had to do the right thing or what was expected of her. I don't know if this is her criticizing me or some kind of admiration, its hard to tell.

Even if she calls and I say, oh I was just mopping the hall floor, hanging out washing she will say, oh you should come here and do mine, you never were much use to me when you were at home and express surprise I can run a home at all. I left home at 17 and am now in my late 30's, what does she expect?

@ChanelNo19EDT Yeah I get what you are saying, it does feel like a kind of performance that she wants from me.

Eg frame it like Are you able to level up here?

"mum I would like to be able to be real, Do I have to pretend everything is fine for you? "

Frame the problem. Perhaps this will corner her in to a bit of self reflection.

I had no luck with my mum and I wish id done this step first beforei tried to give her the feedback that she had hurt me.

My mum is the world's biggest victim. So I got nowhere.

I hope you have more success. Xx

@coldcallerbaiter Hope you feel better on the Iron soon!

She’s not interested in anyone on a personal basis outside of herself. It hurts but you can’t change her, only your response.

maybe she can’t deal with it maybe she doesn’t care. Makes no difference to outcome. So either tell her she’s being dismissive and deal with fallout or go with it… only you can decide but whatever you do it’s hard.

We all don’t get the parents we deserve unfortunately, and sometimes we make our family with friends that show love and care and that’s enough

@Lollypop701 Most of the time I do just let it wash over me but sometimes it does upset me. She always looked after us and she was smart and funny but she wasn't warm, my Dad was though. She could be brutal, I had a stutter as a child and she used to mimic me trying to say something when I was practicing my reading out loud. I don't think I was ever the daughter she would have wanted.

Have a look at a Childhood Emotional Neglect questionnaire or just read up on difficult parents.

You have described:
-your feelings being dismissed
-requirement to perform emotionally
-criticism
-lack of warmth
-huffy behaviour

There's a lot of toxic flags here.

It's not you.

@LightSwerve Thank you I will look into that.

She sounds like a classic narcissist and people like this never change as they can't see that they're in the wrong because their ego is too big. I would keep a healthy distance as she'll only continue to make you miserable.