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Worrying about things I can't immediately control.

33 replies

WilderRose · 25/01/2024 21:00

How do I stop! I am in my 50s and this is a life long issue. It is so very draining. I am doing it constantly. Work issue at the moment. Something that is going to happen that I can't control.
And yet...in moments of clarity I can check myself. I have a very close friend with a life limiting illness and know how ridiculous I am being and even selfish. I must stop it. It is time consuming and pointless. I don't seem to ever relax enough for mindfulness...I read inspiring quotes sometimes which can work for a short time.
Any suggestions to help me stop this relentless overthinking and need for control I do not have will be appreciated! Thanks.

OP posts:
Goditswindy · 25/01/2024 21:03

I'm the same, sorry no advice whatsoever but solidarity x

WilderRose · 25/01/2024 21:05

Thanks for the solidarity!

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Losingtheplot2016 · 25/01/2024 23:30

I'm currently reading Anxiety Rx and getting a lot from it.

Have you had any talking therapy?

My friend has also recommended overcoming unwanted intrusive thoughts.

TiredMum30 · 25/01/2024 23:54

I've no advice I'm afraid, unfortunately I'm just the same as you so I'm tagging along to see if anyone has any recommendations to help! I'm so fed up of it, I even keep myself awake most nights playing out scenarios or conversations in my head even though it's absolutely pointless because it's either already happened or its entirely out of my control anyway so nothing I say or do would even change it 🤦‍♀️

TiredMum30 · 25/01/2024 23:54

I've no advice I'm afraid, unfortunately I'm just the same as you so I'm tagging along to see if anyone has any recommendations to help! I'm so fed up of it, I even keep myself awake most nights playing out scenarios or conversations in my head even though it's absolutely pointless because it's either already happened or its entirely out of my control anyway so nothing I say or do would even change it 🤦‍♀️

HazeyjaneIII · 26/01/2024 03:03

Have been up for the last hour doing the same thing, as I am every night...so solidarity, but no solutions...I'm sorry.

Goditswindy · 26/01/2024 06:12

I've been awake half the night again, it's just awful.

WilderRose · 26/01/2024 07:01

Thanks all. I shall look at the link.
I am tired today and think my mission should be to stay in the present today at work and not dwell on things I have no full knowledge of yet as leads to fear and catastrophising. Not easy but I will try to enter the weekend without creating extra anxiety for myself!

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WilderRose · 26/01/2024 17:35

Well got through the day. Difficult one but am going to try and switch off (ha, ha) and be in present time this weekend. Good luck all! Xx

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DilemmaDelilah · 26/01/2024 18:05

I have always been a worrier... However I was diagnosed with cancer last year and there is so much to worry about - none of which I have any control over - that now I am much better at going with the flow. I plan, rather than worry. What will be will be, but if I can make what happens work the best way possible that is what I will do. Life is too short (literally).

WilderRose · 26/01/2024 19:59

Hope you are recovering @DilemmaDelilah . You are right that something really big knocks other concerns out of the water.
An older friend of mine who is no longer with us told me a quote of his father's: Being shot in the arse is a good cure for toothache...

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DilemmaDelilah · 26/01/2024 21:28

@WilderRose I love that quote! I've definitely been shot in the arse... just waiting to see if it's shotgun pellets or just the one bullet in my case.

U2HasTheEdge · 26/01/2024 21:43

You can refer to your local IAPT/ NHS talking therapies to help you to manage this.

I would also recommend this book.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Worry-Generalised-Anxiety-Disorder/dp/147210742X

B1rd · 26/01/2024 22:04

I was once you. But the fact that I'd never even worried about my mum at 66 being diagnosed with terminal cancer, seemed to shock my brain into going...well, there's absolutely no point in you worrying anymore, You didn't pre-empt this one, kind of did it for me.
I think therapy is a good route. But also is questioning yourself once a specific thought comes into your head and your ruminating over it is, what is the worst that could happen and could I deal with it?
Also, I read once, a quote which stated, that I have been on this earth for XX years and I survived every day. You have survived every day and often things that worry you, aren't the things that slap you on your ass. You still survived those.

WilderRose · 02/02/2024 18:48

I am doing it again! My job involves vulnerable people so hard to switch off if think things aren't quite right. But...I am not in charge. I thought I had got through Friday without a major worry for the weekend and then a comment right at end of day sent me in a spin. Will impact in a couple of weeks. I sent email at end of day...not ideal but needed to get out ASAP or my weekend will just be me catastrophising... I don't expect a response til Monday but aghhh...
Need to switch to think about family stuff and park this...

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Clarence2000 · 09/02/2024 17:02

Hi. Just stumbled across your post. I would agree with Thelnebriati and also point you in the direction of CBT. However, I would also suggest being properly assessed and if applicable, actually going through some CBT with a therapist.

Hatty65 · 09/02/2024 17:10

F.E.A.R Future Events Aren't Real.

Someone told me this a few years ago and I realised the amount of energy and time I wasted stressing myself with worry about things that frequently did not come to pass. I had spent all that time anxious about a situation that did not exist and that I had made up in my own head.

I was also told that it is just as stressful as if the event had happened. So, for eg, worrying about being sacked causes your brain just as much stress and anxiety as actually getting the sack! Which made me feel that I was being ridiculous. I try to adopt the 'we'll cross that bridge if we actually come to it' attitude now.

I think it comes from a lot of uncertainty, stress and anxiety when I was younger which meant I always had Plan B (and Plan C) in place should the worst happen. I was a single parent and responsible for everything, so I had a plan worked out for everything up to (and including) nuclear war. It made me feel that if the worst happened I would be ok, cos I'd got a plan. But actually, it just means you are stressing about imaginary issues and don't need to.

WilderRose · 09/02/2024 20:25

Thank you everyone. You are actually helping. I really appreciate your comments. I am listening...

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WilderRose · 09/02/2024 20:28

It's like being on a hamster wheel...

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WilderRose · 09/02/2024 20:30

Time to make steps to get off...I will reread all your messages. Thank you.

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PlantsFallLikeDominoes · 09/02/2024 20:48

I do this too. I try to make sure I've got plans after work and on weekends to look forward too.

I do have a weird fixation on being sacked that I can't get over so I'm not best placed to advise.

spookehtooth · 09/02/2024 21:03

Two general principles:

  • Be nice to yourself, and don't put yourself down for doing it. Nobody's perfect, even the best in this area will be preoccupied to some extent by things outside their control
  • "Stop doing.." isn't a strategy for any kind of improvement or calm. It always involves a positive doing statement, filling up that thinking and doing time with something else, a replacement activity

I can't offer specifics to people whose personalities and lives I don't know, unfortunately. Mindfulness activities aren't solutions to anything, in themselves, their purpose "or magic" is just calming down the brain and thoughts, to give you space to identify something different and useful to do with your time. It's those other things you do, that distract or refocus and occupy your mind so you don't have time for thinking about the things outside of your control.

One of the things that bug me about some promotions of mindfulness, is they don't tell people the "thing" you to achieve that can be anything, so long as it doesn't create new problems. What's good for one person isn't necessarily for another. Recently, I simply walked to cafe via a new route, through a little wood near my house I'd never visited. I walked through it slowly, noticing people, squirrels, features. Off work, at the tail end of a flu, a bit wobbly on my feet it wasn't the easiest walk but the experience took my mind off it to/from a cafe and cheered me up. To understand how low I was at, physically at least, less than a week previous I slow ran 20km run for the lolz but rather than "not do/think .." I needed something else to appreciate and enrich my life. I found out a wonderful story of the place after an accident discovery there, that I almost ignored, but slow walking and curiousity is a wonderful thing.

I dunno if any of that's useful, but if not I just want to say I got a lot of time for the worlds worriers. Many of the loveliest, kindest people I've met are part of your tribe ♥️

SilverShadowNight · 09/02/2024 21:04

I do this too, my imagination goes into overdrive. @Hatty65, that's good advice, just got to get myself to follow it.