Offering to treat 'broke' friend

[Rewis]

My friend has fallen hard times for reasons. She and her family have the basics but she can't afford any luxuries. She has recently moved to same city as me (yay) and while I love doing free/cheap stuff with her, I'd also like to do some stuff that costs occationally. I don't have too many friends and I would love to go to things with my friend that I don't want to go alone.

There is a wine thing in a few week that costs £25 and I decided to say "hey, just saw this on Instagram. If you're in town and into it, I'd love to treat us with tickets so we can have a little luxury for this shitty time of year" I know it was a bit risky to offer to cover her but I tried to make it as casual as possible and make it easy to decline. Now she hasn't answered for several hours.

It is a bit too late to not send it. But I'm wondering did I totally fuck it up?

I wouldn't want my friend giving me money, it ruins the dynamics.
If she suggested a £500 treat yea fair enough but £25 isn't so high that it's unlikely she could ever afford returning the favour some day. Maybe she doesn't fancy it.

she has a child
if she’s truly on the bones of her arse and can afford the basics but no “luxuries” then if it was me… i’d be thinking what i could have bought my DS with that £25

She might need to check with husband/mum first about childcare for that night.

Cheese and wine nights are brilliant, I went with a colleague once.

@MILTOBE and @notjustthe

I think 'have £25 coz I know you're poor' is far more patronising (and embarrassing for the friend who is struggling financially,) than saying 'come for a wine evening with me!'

If the friend is struggling financially and life is a bit tough at the moment, this night out will be a welcome relief. I imagine she doesn't get much light relief and fun if she is down on her luck with finances.

kind offer
don’t try and withdraw
dont offer the cash

but don’t be hurt if she politely declines if she’s just not in that “space” atm

@SweetBirdsong good lord i don’t think she should give £25 cash

i’m trying to explain what sh may be thinking of she accepts 🤷‍♀️

But the point is that if you can afford the basics then you're not on the 'bones of your arse!'

But OP isn't doing this primarily to treat her friend in a general sense. She's made the offer because she fancies a night out that isn't limited to doing something free.

This.
The friend is actually doing OP a favour by accompanying her to the wine night. It's not exactly pure, warm-hearted generosity on OP's part.
Maybe she's busy or something else OP but I wouldn't overthink it.

depends how you define “basics”

OP…. how serious is your friend’s situation?

I figured it is a win-win. She's new in town and wouldn't spend this money on herself. I know we both would enjoy it and we'd get to spend time together. This is stuff we would do 'back in the day'. So not doing it out of goodness of my heart or charity or anything. Just sounds like something we'd enjoy and I'm happy to buy the tickets.

Okay...sure I could give her cash. But wouldn't that be weird AF? "Hey friend, was thinking of asking you to cinema but I'll transfer the £10 to you instead" like how does that work?

I'm not expecting anyone to be at their phone all day but we were texting and then it stopped so wondered if I over stepped. I'll be patient and won't bring it up unless she does. I appreciate the input 😊

Sounds completely fine to me. The thing you've done that is good is make it clear what you mean.

I love to go and see comedians and sometimes I want a pal to go with me. Sometimes I'm happy to pay for a friends ticket especially when it's a lesser known comedian but sometimes I want to be paid but either way I make it crystal clear before I get the tickets.

It's a lovely gesture and any good friend who take it in the spirit it was meant.

I offered to treat a "broke" friend recently. She declined but was fine with the offer. It was a "that's so lovely, but I can't let you do that" response. It was partly selfish as I wanted to spend time with her. Hopefully your friend will respond similarly, either say yes or decline in a nice way.

I have some better off friends than me, I joke I'm the poor one 🤣 Sometimes they'll pay for an event etc as they know I might not be able to afford it but would like me there for whatever reason.

But it's a moot point, because it's not her £25 to worry about.

I think it would be very strange to just give her 25 pounds. Imagine if that were the norm, and any time you wanted to invite someone to, say, the cinema, you had to phone them up and ask would they like to come to the cinema or would they prefer you transferred the 10 pounds cash...

Edit: And now I see that the OP thinks the same as me 😁

I have some much wealthier friends than me and I gladly accept kind offers like this and make sure I 'treat' them
Back to things in my budget (even if that's just a coffee next time we meet
Up)

moot point
but i suspect what she would be thinking

This. If you're treating her, she should know. If I were the friend I would feel very special. I treat my friends and vice versa

When I was young and broke a friend used to treat me to meals out. If I objected he said that when I could afford it I should treat others.

If I offer to pay I explain I am really repaying my past debts and am happy to accept a commitment that one day my guest will do the same.

I do this a lot with a friend who's broke because she has to be a carer.
I tell her that she'd do the same for me and besides, it's me that wants to go to this thing, it's my idea so I'm paying and she can pay back one day when she can treat me.

@Rewis has she replied? Do think of going alone if not. I guarantee you'll get chatting to people.

Got a response that she would be into going but will get back to me next week with a smiley emoji.

So all good, we shall see next week 😊

@Rewis fab news 👍