Sense check re: declining invitations and explaining yourself

[TheBeesKnee]

If someone asks you to do something, or to come to your house, but you already have plans, do you qualify your "no" with an explanation?

For example, my plans this weekend are to tidy up, go to the gym, spend time with my baby and partner, maybe go to the shops or a drive for lunch at a local viewpoint if the weather is ok.

My partner works shifts so the fact that he's home this weekend is unusual.

My mum has asked to come over and I said no because we already have plans.

She's immediately on the attack, asking if I'm seeing my dad (long story, bad marriage and divorce), that "normal people" tell people what they're up to unless they have something to hide.

But I know that if I tell her my plans, unless it involves a trip or being out of the house all day, she will try to insert herself into them. For instance, she will offer to mind the baby while DP and I clean. But I just don't want anyone here, I want to relax and spend time with my little family.

So my approach has been to not explain what I'm up to. I have to add that I do normally say that she can come over, this is a rare decline.

But just interested in what other people do and if I am indeed abnormal.

I would definitely share this sort of detail with my Mum, would feel strange to just say no

I would NOT give details to a person who goes “ on the attack” when she doesn’t get her way and inserts herself into other people’s plans.

It's really no one else's business what your plans are, so I would say no you don't have to qualify it if you choose not to. I also don't think you have to justify your reasons.

You are not the abnormal one. Must people would share this sort of information but most people don't have mums who try to insert themselves at every opportunity, don't take no for an answer, or go on the attack if they don't get their way.

I would tell her you need a bit of family time, just the three of you. Don't be specific, don't apologise, you've got plans.

I find if l give too many specifics, people try and invite themselves so l tend to be quite vague too.

No there is nothing wrong with you at all. You have made plans ahead off your mum asking. So just say too her you may come over another day and spend sometime together. But as I’ve said I have made plans and I ain’t changing them. Simple good luck & enjoy your day with your lil family.

This.

I always say I already have plans.

Your mum sounds a bit, um, challenging. For her just add in “plans that don’t include my dad or you “ 🙂

If she insists on details have some stock truly gross or extremely personal activities to appease with - draining ear wax, marathon sex, shaving husband’s back.

To be honest, although I totally understand your reasoning, I do think it's slightly unusual to just say "I have plans" without even a slight hint of what they are. Could you be honest and say you're looking forward to some time with your partner as you haven't seen him much recently?

I think I might equally say I can't because I'm doing this or just I can't.
But if someone followed up with why what you up to (out of conversation) I would tell them
But I get the impression you're saying your mum's not simply making conversation

I mean you say this but one time she was here she wanted to take the baby for a walk to give us some privacy and "would be back in half an hour" - so obviously and embarrassingly insinuating that we take the opportunity to have a shag 🙃

I'm not sure she can be embarrassed!

Depends who it is and what it is. If the person asking is someone rational like my friends and most of my family I'd happily say "Aww sorry but I am taking DS to his sport and then getting my hair cut" but if it was my SIL who would then start telling me that DS could walk to his match 20 miles away and he spends too much time playing sport anyway and that her hairdresser is better than mine so I could cancel my appointment and make one with her...no, then it's "Sorry, no, we're busy all day".

No, she's never previously just asked out of making conversation, it's always some kind of scheme to try and get the baby to herself.

Okay, you get it 😅 I'm glad it's not just me

Half an hour 😳. She likes things to be done quickly then.

best of luc 🙂

I think this is the sort of answer that OP is worried will get her mum saying "Ooh lovely, family time, I'll come over"!

"She's immediately on the attack, asking if I'm seeing my dad (long story, bad marriage and divorce), that "normal people" tell people what they're up to unless they have something to hide."

Normal people do indeed include brief details, but only when they're giving those brief details to another normal person. Your mother is not normal, and I'd tell her absolutely nothing, up to and including my new address when moving.

Entirely depends on how they will use that information. If I’m genuinely sorry to miss someone, I would give an explanation. If I just wish they’d bug off, I may not even respond.

Them again, it particularly annoys me that people invite themselves over. No one ever invites us to theirs, but we get a lot of ‘what weekend can we come to yours for you to feed us for 3 days?’ It pisses me off. So I may just pretend I didn’t even see the message.

I think you were perfectly reasonable not to give details.