What would you do? Potentially moving dd 2 hours away from her dad

[Nocakeinthishouse]

I am currently doing an undergraduate degree, and have a course average of 95%. I am looking into applying for masters courses with a desire to go on to a PHD, and would absolutely, absolutely love to apply to Cambridge and Oxford. I did my first undergraduate at Cambridge 20 years ago so know the city well, as well as the collegiate system. I will also apply to Leeds and Manchester as they would not be too far from where we are currently.

We currently live 30 minutes away from DD’s dad. She will be 11 when I would be starting my masters, so would be moving in to year 7. The secondary schools near me, and near her father’s house, are poor. The one we are in catchment for now has had three student stabbings over the past two years, and has an inadequate ofsted rating. There are two 11+ entry grammar schools nearby, but dd is not academic and so is unlikely to pass the 11+, so I want to move for secondary anyway.

Dd’s father is blasèe about seeing her-he regularly cancels his days, moves them or brings her home early. He has never paid maintenance , does not contribute in any other way, and works 2 days a week. Would you move if you got an offer from Oxbridge? I’m so worried that we would move for the masters and then I wouldn’t get on to a PHD, but my job opportunities would open up by having it, it would be a wonderful experience, and we could always stay on in Cambridge or Oxford and I could commute to London for work. I feel like I am doing something so wrong!

Would he put in a legal object to you moving? That’s your first issue as courts tend to go with the status quo (rightly or wrongly)

We have a court order in place that names me as the resident parent, and gives dad one overnight a week, and every other weekend.

I would normally say no but in this instance I’d apply. If you get in, do it. Your local school choices are poor and you are trying to make a career for yourself

Go back through your diary and make a list of all the times he’s cancelled or returned your daughter early, ready to present should he take you to court.

as it is you moving away I would be aware the onus will be on you to travel your daughter to her dads or pay his costs to see her.

@Temporaryname158 absolutely, I would be more than happy to do that. The application statistics are crazy-Oxford had 775 applications for 43 places last year, and Cambridge has a 33% success rate with regards to offers, so it is a bit of a pipe dream, but my goodness what an amazing opportunity it would be!!

Did he go to court for that or did you? That could be an issue as he could go to court stating that the distance would breach the court order being possible.

Ad the other poster said, go through and make a bit of every missed contact.

How often does the weekly overnight happen?
How would you make the EOW happen? The court would expect you to facilitate it so show how you would deal with the travel.

Hold on.... never mind what YOU want

What would your DD want?

@InAnotherLifetimeMaybe dd would want to stay with me-we have had issues over the past year with her not wanting to go to her dad’s when she does see him, and him returning her early because she has been so upset when staying there.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings , I got the court order. It specifically states that I am able to live anywhere within the UK without having to ask ex-p’s permission. Obviously there is nothing to stop him from taking me back to court to get a variation though. The weekly overnight now happens probably once a month, and I could easily facilitate the weekends by driving her up the A1 after school on a Friday, and then collecting her on a Sunday. My mum had terminal cancer when I was an undergraduate and lived where we are now (I moved back to my home town after having children) so I am very used to the journey, both by car and by train. I was her only family so a lot of the caring responsibilities were naturally taken on by me.

I would do it. The best gift you can give your child is a good education. It sounds a much better environment for her. If you are willing to take her to her father each weekend then it’s a win win for everyone.

What's the furthest you would be away from dad?

Whilst her relationship with dad isn't strong, how are dds friendship groups? Is she resilient? So how well so you think she would cope with a move like this?

Make sure you have researched whether you could actually afford to live in Oxford or Cambridge. Neither are cheap places in which to rent.

I'd say go for it... if father objects explain it's for a better life for your daughter and you have her best interest at heart!

The main thing is doing what is right for you and for your daughter. Does she want to move? How will it impact her friendships etc? Is she confident making new friends?

She can still see her dad - even if the arrangement needs to be altered via mediation so that she sees him less frequently but for slightly longer stays or something along those lines. Court orders can be adapted informally as life changes as a child grows up and judges/magistrates understand this (if it ever got that far which it probably won’t). Plus they usually insist on mediation before going back to court anyway. My ex was forced into mediation when I requested a change to the court order (even though he threatened with “taking me to court” to scare me into doing what he wanted). It was all nonsense - just to control me (not about his son at all). A few years down the line and he’s not even sticking to frequency agreed (which he insisted at the time was not enough).

Oh and even if you do move - you don’t need to be the one doing all the travelling - you can request to meet half way or alternate.

If I could, yes, I would. I moved 1.5 hours away from my dad to start secondary school (also because of school choice) and it was the right decision for me personally. I only saw him once or twice a month anyway. It just meant a longer drive either for him to see us or me to see him. We saw him more over the holidays instead. Especially in secondary school I was busy after school and in evenings with sports and activities, and weekends I often did sports too, so I wouldn't have really been free and wanting to see him anyway. It was a good decision for me personally.

How on earth are you funding all this? Years and years of study on a student grant with a child to support, living in a very expensive area. Friends are very important to children at this age. This is less about DD's relationship with her father and more about what else she's leaving behind. Don't promise this fabulous new life to her if you can't deliver.

If your daughter is happy with the idea then I’d go for it .

In terms of moving your daughter I don’t see the problem.

from personal experience though I’d slightly hesitate about thinking Oxford or Cambridge are going to be ‘all that’ for graduate study. I also did undergraduate at Cambridge first time around and then did a Masters at Oxford. The graduate experience was really different, very little teaching in pairs like I was used to, much more seminars/ larger groups and the cohort was very international and a lot more mixed ability, so there wasn’t that same culture of debate and discussion. There wasn’t much a college social scene for graduates either, or nothing like the undergrad one. I loved the subject and I did really well academically on the masters but there was very little funding around (and the year of a masters degree ends almost as soon as It starts! Teaching was over in March I think) - I had thought I might go on to do a DPhil but nearly everyone who was doing that was self-funding. I think I applied for research body funding but didn’t get it (but by then wanted to start earning anyway). I didn’t have kids at the time but I know from others that the colleges were not very family friendly or flexible for parents who were students.

in contrast I went back to studying a masters in a very different discipline three years ago in my late 30s with 2 kids. This time I picked a more lowly university but one which has an excellent distance learning programme and is world leading in this particular subject. The academics there are absolutely lovely and they love working with motivated mature students. They have been very flexible and understanding about children. I have been doing an MRes and planning to go on to do a doctorate - it will be a professional doctorate and the fees are very reasonable. Look into professional doctorates because if there is one in your field then they are a great option if you are thinking of working again afterwards.

personally I would avoid fixating on Oxbridge - it would almost certainly be quite a different experience to what you remember as an undergraduate and could be stressful. Or if you do, try to apply with a funded 1+3 route (masters by research plus PhD) or check your chosen masters would qualify as research training as a lot of taught masters don’t. That way at least you will know you have the funding and some certainty if you uproot your daughter and move etc. But if there is somewhere else that is great for your subject and a bit more ‘modern’ then I would totally do that!

I’d say go for it in terms of somewhere with better schools where you can also study - maybe widen the search a bit so you have options for you both. You still need to help facilitate her seeing her dad though.

The only other thing id say is it really pains me when I see people - especially highly educated and academic people - describe their kids as not academic at such a young age. She may be a late bloomer or not found what works for her academically yet, she may not have a realistic chance of the grammar school now but that doesn’t mean she’s not or cannot become academic. Don’t label her so soon, a lot changes in secondary.

Have you asked her dad?

Imo im probably wrong..but i think the quality of a childs life and the opportunities they can have kinda trumps a parents want to see them once a week tbh.

But at 11 i would generally see what the child wants.

Could it be 2 nights together every 2 weeks instead of one a week? So same amount but makes it more worth the travel and more of a weekend away with dad rather then obligation?

You may be ordered to do all the travelling to make your child available for contact, just so know. My sister was.

At age 11 I would very much take in consideration your DD's opinion on moving her away from her Dad.

I wouldn't think twice about it. Sounds like he has little involvement anyway.

I would go and do exactly what I want given that he is a totally deadbeat dad and that's exactly what I did do with my DS's deadbeat dad years ago.
I feel no guilt about it whatsoever. Now DS is 40 they have no relationship at all because my ex couldn't be bothered.
Live your life. Do well. Be somebody.

Its your daughters opinion that matters here. Will she be happy travelling 2hrs each way EOW?

If you have the chance to do it, you absolutely should!!