He talks about his ex wife - when is it too much?

[Celia24]

I've been seeing a man for a few months who was previously my friend. He had been with his ex wife since he was 16 and they divorced 2 years ago (he's 30). So with her all of his young adult life.

He told me he was divorced on the first date, fine, I was pleased to know. But since then I'd she say comes up at least once every other conversation.

Examples: I asked about a city he loves, he said first time he went was on honeymoon. Ok, relevant.

Later that night, I was talking about a difficult life situation & he said 'actually something like this happened to my ex wife and she did X'. Oh her again!

I don't want to be unreasonable by banning her as a conversation topic but I'm fed up with hearing about her. Do I just see how it goes or should I say something now?

It's difficult as so many of his memories will involve her. They split up though and he wants to be with you now, so hopefully you can create new memories. I think its OK to joke about how much he mentions her. He might take it better than a complaint. Or you could say "She sounds like a wonderful woman" each time.

That's why I haven't said anything @Sanguinello - we've had so much openness so far I don't want him to shut down because I'm tired of hearing about her. But it is starting to bother me.

I don't actually know anything about why they divorced. He did mention early on she took a while to sign the papers but I don't get a sense of bitterness really. I'm keen to know what happened there.

Ask him why they divorced.
I would.
It might settle your uneasy feelings. Even if not it opens the topic for discussion.
Either way he can't just erase her, so she will come up in conversation and I don't see it as a biggie.

Someone he was around every day for his entire adult life is going to come up in conversation. He’d have to actively avoid it to not mention her.

We have friends and the woman was with her ex from 14-32. She’s not allowed (and I don’t use that phrase lightly) to mention him when her new partner is around. When he’s around she’s quiet and cautious. Conversation is stilted because she can hardly mention anything - birthdays, Christmases, holidays, moving house - except her job lest she mention him. It’s really awkward and quite unpleasant.

Oh dear that does sound unpleasant @YetMoreNewBeginnings - I wouldn't want him to feel like he has to filter himself a lot at a time when the relationship is growing.

@FindingMeno yes I think the next time he brings her up I'll ask.

Ive never dated a guy that tended to talk about an ex - then again I've never dated someone who was married. I just want to make sure there's space for us to grow as a new couple without the ever present ex ghost.

I appreciate you don't like this but it is awkward when you are divorced- I've been divorced 32 years and remarried 28 and I still sometimes have to bring ex up as in 'oh I saw that with xxx or went there with xxx

I would only be concerned if you think it's all a bit 'over fond' - do you know why they divorced? Was it her instigation ?

And forgot to say I was with x from being 15 to being 28 - so a lot of my teen memories and 20s involve him too and that's often an era of your life when lots happened

@Crikeyalmighty I understand - I feel like I'd almost be asking him to just not talk about his entire life. I'm trying to balance being reasonable with the fact it's grating to hear about her so often.

I don't know if the divorce was at his or her instigation. He mentioned she took a while to sign the papers 'but anyway' then didn't expand. I understand they are on friendly enough terms. Think I need to ask.

@Celia24 - yep I would ask- it could be his instigation -

I think that's the issue with someone who has been with the same person from a young age- most experiences to now will have involved this person- it probably would fade somewhat the longer he knows you because you create new shared experiences.

Same goes for very long marriages- I've been with my H 29 years- I'm pretty sure I would crop up a lot in his conversations if we both moved on