Would you have lied?

[BillyL]

I'm feeling so guilty.

I don't want to give too much detail just in case.

In a nutshell, my friend's dh died very recently. My dh died 6 years ago. She asked me today if it got easier. I opened my mouth yo say "yes, it does in time". But what came out was "no, not really. You just learn to live with it better".

She did thank me for being honest but actually, it's all so new and raw for her, that I wish I'd sugar coated it a bit. Can't undo what's done but just wondering what others would've said?

I tend to be of the opinion that people ask questions because they want to know the answer.

She was asking you because she wanted an insight from someone who has been through it.

Personally, I think what you said was fine.

And is also the truth.

My DH died 3.5 years ago. I go to great pains to tell newly bereaved people that it gets easier – something I was desperate to hear when I was first bereaved. I found it absolutely intolerable to imagine living with that kind of pain for another day, let alone forever.

I know what you mean when you say that you just learn to live with it better, but I think that IS it getting easier – yes, I still miss DH desperately and I still have moments where the pain is as intense as it was at the beginning – but grief doesn’t dominate my life the way it did back then.

I think it’s easy to forget how grindingly awful the first year is. It couldn’t possibly be that bad forever. It would be unendurable.

So I guess what I’m saying is that yes, I would have lied – although it wouldn’t have been a lie, imo.

I think you were honest.

Be aware as a fellow widow, your friend may come to you with all sorts of questions that she doesn't feel she can ask other people, as she knows that you have been through a similar experience.

If you feel you were too harsh this time, you may do well to have a few "gentler" answers to other questions she may come to you with pre-prepared (as much as you can); as this time she caught you off guard and you simply told the brutal truth.

Everyone wants to think that widowhood gets easier over time, but the truth is some days it doesn't affect you that much and other days, even years on, it can kick you in the guts and cause unbelievable pain. There's no time limit on it, sad to say.

Thank you for the replies, and I'm sorry for people's losses :(.

It's very difficult to know what to do for the best. I completely agree with you @peachgreen that that awful searing constant pain is unbearable at times. But, unlike you, I actually can't remember much about the whole first year. I have, however, been getting some quite vivid flashbacks since my friend's dh died.

And @p1ppyL0ngstocking your comment about some days being fine but then other days something totally unexpected gets you really resonated. And it's not always the things you think will get you that actually do.

I just wish I could take her pain for her - I know what's ahead for her and I don't want her to hurt :(.

I think what you said is fine and also true of the women I know who lost husbands who they had good marriages with.

grief is complex and non linear and unfortunately you just have to go through it.

its been 4 years since my uncle died and when I saw my aunt at Christmas it was the first time she didn’t seem utterly bereft / depressed since he passed.

I think consciously inviting her out / along to things regularly is a nice non intrusive or patronising way to show care for her.

"yes, it does in time". But what came out was "no, not really. You just learn to live with it better".

Honestly? They mean the same to me

I think what you said is fine and also true of the women I know who lost husbands who they had good marriages with.

I’m sure you didn’t mean it to be @GreatGateauxsby , but this is very hurtful. I had a wonderful marriage. Practically perfect. DH was my soulmate and my best friend. When he died I was in unendurable pain and I was desperate to die to be with him. Thankfully I don’t feel like that now, not least because our daughter needs me (and brings me joy). So it is easier than it was then, thank goodness. That’s not a reflection on how “good” my marriage was. It’s just the nature of time.

@BillyL I don’t remember much about the first year either but I do know that I was longing to die for most of it and I don’t feel like that very often now. I also experience moments of joy which were nowhere to be found in the first six months. So in that respect I know it’s easier. I think if it genuinely doesn’t feel any easier for someone after years have passed then they are experiencing a level of grief that would benefit from professional support – and I say that with all kindness. That’s not to say I believe it ever gets EASY, or that it will ever not hurt, but I don’t think it should be as hard as it is in the early days forever.

I don’t think you were that brutal- like another poster said it kind of means the same thing

I think @peachgreen , @GreatGateauxsby and @BillyL are expressing the same thing in different ways, really.

I did have a friend with a terrible marriage and her experience was very different - shock rather than raw pain. I don't think Gateau meant to imply Peach's marriage was like that, but that loss in a complicated or difficult marriage is a different beast.

I haven't lost a spouse and I have nothing but sympathy for thoise who have. The first year of parental bereavement was a blur of despair and raw emotions for me. I was all overr the place.

You’re probably right @LenaLamont. It’s a tough one. I somehow find it almost offensive to my past self – who had to battle every single day to force myself through it – to suggest that it could be that hard two or three or four years on. And I also remember how distressing I found it to hear people saying it wasn’t any easier for them years on and it wouldn’t get any easier for me.

I think what you said was fine. You were both honest, but also saying "you learn to live with it" is saying that things do change.
It's still there, but, perhaps like an oyster covering the grain of sand, it's not at the forefront of everything always in the same way.
If you'd said "oh yes, it does in time" the next question might have been "how long?" which would have been difficult to answer, or your friend might have been worrying in a year, two years, five years' time that there was something wrong with her because it hadn't changed, but not liking to ask you again.

My friend lost her baby at about 2 months old, and went to a support group about a month later. That was one of the first things she asked and got the reply "you never feel better" and "your feelings won't change." She walked out in tears and never went back. She felt that (as she has found) that "you learn to live with it" would have meant that she could think that she would cope, whereas at the time she felt not only was she not coping, but she'd never cope again.

But in a way you said the right thing. A dear friend of mine lost her Mum (on Christmas Day 😢). She asked me at the weekend when it would get easier, I responded ‘not for flippin ages’.

I then went on to say that grief/loss is like a huge, raw, gaping wound in your heart, it hurts so much at the beginning, the sobbing, agonising pain almost of the loss. The wound is massive, it fills your whole being. As time moves on, that wound does NOT shrink, it never can, but other things - family, friends, work, children maybe, just living really, starts to fill up around the outside of the wound and those things get bigger.