If you had children at the same time as your sister / SIL….

[Peonysandrose]

Do you do lots together?

Me and my SIL (DH’s sister) are both pregnant and due within weeks of each other.

i know this sounds harsh but I really can’t stand my SIL - I won’t go in to details but she has behaved appallingly towards me over the years and openly said to me she doesn’t like me & only tolerates me because of her future nieces / nephews.

Im so happy to be pregnant but I can’t help thinking about the future & how much time I’m going to have to spend with her.

We live in the same town so will be going to all the same baby classes, likely the same school & future hobbies for the children are likely to be the same. She keeps saying she has always dreamed of her children being super close to her brothers children & already talking about joint christenings / birthday parties ! If she’d been nice in the last 10 years I wouldn’t mind but shes been completely vile, and now I feel like I’m just going to have to suck it up and get on with it.

If you’ve had your children close to your sister / SIL have you ended up doing loads of stuff together or will it fizzle out when life gets busy ?

Also, how many weeks apart are they? If you do something eg baby sign that prefers a certain starting age, then you might start in different terms, even!

Me and SIL never really got on for the first 10 years of mine and DH's relationship, 2 years of that we had a massive fall out and didn't speak at all.
However we now have 3 children between us all born in the last 3 years and actually it's brought us closer, we both want our children to grow up with their cousins so we've put the past behind us. We plan something together probably once a month and see each other in passing between that, regularly WhatsApp each other for advice and a chat, we're not super close but we're friendly. I suppose things can change when you suddenly have things in common.

My SIL and I had girls within 4 months of each other, they were in the same primary, I asked for them to be in different forms as a 2 class entry, plus I already had children in the school so knew who to ask. They are now in the same secondary school have a similar friendship group and do the same clubs, I have little to do with SIL, we just aren't the same sort of people.

Just book a different time slot for baby classes, they’re often on multiple days each week and with different time slots, just don’t tell her which day/time you’re going. Or look at classes in the next time over. Just say no to joint christenings and birthday parties. Once they’re in school they’ll make their own friends and by default you will also make your own mum friends.

In this situation we made sure we sent our DC to a different school. Went to one toddler group together each week, but other than that we did things separately. I generally pretended that my friend went to a group that was further away, and went to that one. Thankfully SIL wasn't that interested in doing things together; we don't dislike each other, just have very little in common.

My SIL had my nephew six weeks before our son was born. My husband and his brother do a lot together with the boys, usually meet up every other weekend or so. A few times we've done things as families. My SIL and I have never met up just us and the kids. We didn't have that relationship before the kids and don't now either. I like her, we just aren't friends.

Me and my SIL had babies just a few months apart from each other and hardly saw each other. I was basically a zombie and didn’t leave the house much during maternity leave so she did her own thing. I thought they’d be at the same school but that hasn’t happened either. It might all be very different to what you expect. If she invites you to things and you don’t fancy it just say no, or tell her you’re busy or too tired. Baby groups are pretty pointless and then suddenly you’re back at work anyway.

No just the normal family things with the PIL.
Her children are “spirited" and it would be stressful for mine to deal with them too often.

My sister had her 3rd when I had my 1st. Kids really close do lots together even now 16 years later.
Sil had her 2nd same year I had my 3rd
Same primary school now same secondary
Hardly see them down to the fact Dh and bil never make an effort
sil much closer to her own sisters kids

I had a child a few months before SIL, and she has always been absolutely vile to me. Called me a terrible parent because I don't pander to my child's every cry and whinge, excluded my DC on too many occasions including Christmas day, tried to convince my DH to get me to defer my DC schools start so that mine and hers would be in the same year. Definitely didn't even consider it! You will make your own mum friends, go to baby classes that you want to and stick to your own schedule. Don't do joint parties, your child's birthday is for them to celebrate. Just be firm in doing what YOU want for YOUR child. They will still bond at family gatherings, but they don't have to be best friends.

Keep your boundaries and find other classes. There'll always be others. And you absolutely have the right to say no joint parties!
I have a similar dynamic with my SiL and she also talks about cousins needing to all be close. We see them once every 4-6 weeks and I have no intention of increasing it! She can express her wishes about what she wants but you're under no obligation to sacrifice your needs and wants over hers. X

Nope. Never spent any time together. Met a few times and that is it. They live far away and also have little in common.

She may be the type.of mum who will be in competition with you with her child always winning (in her eyes). So she may choose very different activities

Me and my sil had our first within a few months of each other. We don't live in same town but a short drive away. During Mat leave we did regularly meet up but not so much when we went bk to work as we had different days off and other priorities. They are at school now and we see each other a few times a month along with other family and the kids. We aren't super close but we do get on.

If I didn't get on with my sil then I would not have been making an effort to do things with her. I also wouldn't be sucking it up if she's been vile to u for years.

There is a month between DD1 and DN1 and 3 months between DN2 and DD2.

It's grand, there is a special magic between cousins but my SIL and I don't have a very close relationship. I am always welcoming and on my best behaviour around her. We don't live close to each other so the girls don't see each other that often but they love to get together and go a bit mad.

Different playgroups and different schools, thankfully. SIL has a bit of a superiority complex about her girls and their activities and achievements. I let it all wash over me. "That's nice, dear!" while I'm thinking will I tell her just how well my girls are doing? I never do.

Two holidays. Worked out fine as we booked separate accommodation and would do some activities independently. It was nice to meet up and eat together.

She'd expect us to drop everything at short notice to go and do things with them. She would run all communications through DH at work who would say "yes" and then come home and I would have to explain that one or both of our girls had dance/sport/friend's party at that time so he'd have to call her back and say "sorry, can't make it at that time because Lauren is going to a school party" and there would be a load of pressure because her girls really wanted to play with our girls. DH would be urged to have our girls to drop their commitment but if the situation was reversed SIL would never do that.

On the other hand, I would contact her directly, this seems logical as both of us were the people running the family calendars around work, school, extra-curricular activities, parties and she would ignore my text for days in case she might get a better offer from elsewhere but have us on hold. (I know this, I'm not speculating, in my company she admitted as much to a friend of mine about a school mum, my friend gave her a bollocking over it!!) Thankfully, she got WhatsApp so I set up a group including my DH so she couldn't ignore messages. I also put in a long chit-chatty preamble so she has to open the message and not just read the preview and pretend she hasn't seen it.

I've always let her know about opportunities that might interest her girls or be beneficial for them, rarely she will return the favour.

So we muddle along. The girls adore each other so I try to make it work.