I apologise in advance, this will be long. I can’t cry to my poor husband any more so I am going to write it all here and cry to myself instead.
I will preface this by saying I know I’m lucky really, there are people way worse off than I am. But my mental health has taken a huge battering: I have health anxiety so anything triggers me and I’ve been dealing with this for months now and the lack of sleep due to pain and worry takes its toll emotionally too.
I guess I am looking for a support network and of course any advice. I am sure there are other sufferers out there too, no doubt people worse than me and hopefully some who aren’t as much. Tbh as every additional thing gets added I wonder why I was bothered before. And then I wonder how much more I’m going to end up with and it terrifies me. I have friends with lifelong conditions which limit them and I am not someone who would be able to deal with it. I’m just shit. Anyway, here is my story.
back in June / July time I started to have a niggle in my shoulder. Just finished a big renovation so that made sense. However over the months it got worse until I had swelling from my neck down to my shoulder and I couldn’t lay on that side. I also had tingling in my ring and pinky finger. I sought treatment, of course. MRI showed lots of issues but nothing correlated to the pain I was experiencing so the consultant couldn’t help. I sought the help of an osteopath. He did lots of soft tissue work and got it under control. It wasn’t completely gone but it was a lot better. Unfortunately during this, he must have done something a bit too much in my thoracic spine area (where I was already stiff) and it got pushed a bit too far and resulted in a locked facet joint on the left side. It was very painful and I was terrified to let anyone touch me after that for fear of it getting worse. The stiffness refers up into the neck through the spine and the muscles around it respond with spasms, aching etc which refers into my chest also. That pain has also been up and down but right now it’s up. I know I need to get it fixed, it’s been suggested by the osteo and a physio that it needs a high amplitude low velocity thrust (I.e a manipulation that a chiro would do but either of those could do it too) to get the joint moving properly again. I purposefully haven’t seen a chiro as the thought of such manoeuvres scares the bejesus out of me and I’m terrified I’ll end up paralysed.
Anyway. Fast forward a few weeks after this and I in the gym when I lifted something too heavy and pulled my lower back (evidenced by pain the next day). I went straight off to physio and the osteo for a diagnosis. The physio said it was muscle strain, don’t panic. The osteo said it was ligament damage, don’t panic. I wasn’t overly convinced by either of these diagnoses as I’ve had ligament damage in my lower back from a car accident and general muscle pains and or felt nothing like that. However my movement was good, the pain was mild, I could do my normal day to day activities so nothing to worry about.
fast forward to 3.5 weeks after the lower back injury, the spasms are settling but I’m by no means pain free. Managing without painkillers. We go on a long walk which ends in uphill in some really thick mud. It was that or turn around and walk back 3 miles. I was sore after but not horrendously so. However that evening I started with sciatica symptoms in my left leg. I’ve had it off and on before from muscle aches so I know what it feels like. However this was worse than I’ve ever had it. I’ve had actual numbness and also altered sensation on the top of my foot, usually that’s not what I experience. I also have tingling around my upper buttocks when I sit and sometimes when I stand.
im pretty sure at this point I’ve slipped a disc, there’s a point on my spine when I touch it it’s like an electric shock. From the sciatic symptoms it looks to be l5 / s1 so there’s is a risk of cauda equina.
The pain bothers me at night, the muscle spasms, lower back ache and altered sensation in my leg. And every time I manage to get to sleep, when I wake shortly after I’m immediately resting my legs etc are still working from the anxiety of it all.
I have a physio appointment tomorrow but I am just so utterly miserable. None of the other issues are resolved and it just feels like one thing after another. I’m 7 months into daily pain, although what I wouldn’t give to just go back to the shoulder at this point.
I feel like I am being such a shit mum, wife and friend right now because I can’t get my head out of my arse. I’ve been listening to podcasts about being positive and how healing isn’t linear, how to be at peace with your body etc and they help in the moment and then I go back to feeling shit again. I am just so tired and so fed up. I just want to wake up tomorrow feeling like I did before all of this started. I know that’s not going to happen but I am so depressed, I feel like I’m just getting through each day to wake up and get through another.