ADHD and zero interest in learning

[Chitterchatterchoo]

Looking for - not sure - reassurance things might be ok in the end?

My DC is 12, 1st year high school ( small independent setting specialising in SEN who can access mainstream) He has adhd, anxiety and OCD.

He is now happy at school ( I know I should recognise what a big deal this is). But it’s like he has no interest at all in lessons and learning. Tells me he can’t focus as everything is too boring. He is trying really hard to ‘behave’ as such and likes the staff a lot, feels accepted but it’s like he just doesn’t ‘get’ school. I try to explain why he needs to at least try with the work but he doesn’t really have any ability to look forwards so this doesn’t make an impact. He almost sees school as just somewhere he goes to have a nice time with people.

I know some is he is probably having difficulties accessing work and very low self confidence, but it’s more than that. It really seems like he doesn’t care.

I feel it’s quite likely he won’t even get any GCsEs at this point. I’m so worried about his future, how will he support himself etc.

i should add he isn’t lazy. When he’s doing something practical he’s extremely hard working ( he will when it takes him clean the house for example, he does all the decorating for Xmas and birthdays which he’s brilliant at and loves, will do a fantastic job in the garden.

I guess it’s also I was always very academic so I suppose I’m limited myself in not thinking creatively about his future ( particularly with constant messaging about how important at least some GCSEs are).

Has anyone else had this? Have any advice? Or stories of hope!

Have they not got some practical course he could do? Sounds like he would be great at some of the more hands on ones (design etc.)?

I think not yet possibly as he is year 7. But that’s a good point I should ask about whether there are more practical options.

Maybe if he was doing some things he enjoyed he might also manage to do maths and English.

He sounds like a family member of mine.

Late 30s now, but at school was a “handful”. Back in those days the school just thought he was naughty, but now it’s clear he has A LOT of ADHD traits.

Attitude to school sounds very similar to how you describe your DS. Ended up doing a trades apprenticeship after GCSE-equivalent, where he thrived. In his mid-20s he decided to go back as a mature student in an adjacent area of study. He’s working in an engineering role now, and earns very well indeed.

Your DS’s generation will be considered “of working age” until they’re about 70. He doesn’t need to follow the same path as NT kids to find success, there’s lots of other ways.

You can’t force him to take academic study seriously, but you can encourage his interests and work out his other strengths and boost his confidence that way.

My DS (adhd) is 16 now and at college doing subjects that he enjoys. I wish I could say positive, inspiring things however I’ve just received yet another email from school with complaints about assignments not being handed in, late arrivals and general lack of commitment to studies.
He’s so bright and has many interests, with a caring warm personality. He just can’t manage himself and gets cross when I intervene to help. I don’t think he will get through them the way he’s going .
sorry to share the negative, but will be watching the thread closely for help/tips/advice.

Thanks @FirstFallopians - it’s true I can’t force him, and I just damage our relationship trying.

i suppose I worry these days it’s not so easy without GCSEs but maybe it is. It’s also a good point about going back later ( my dad actually did this thinking about it!)

My daughter's like this (year 6). She enjoys the social aspect of school, cooking, sport and music. Academics...meh.

I am teaching a young man with ADHD A-level Economics. He was a bit of a nightmare at GCSE tbh. He's doing pretty well at A-level although he still struggles to organise himself.

Some kids mature later.

if he has ADHD he might be in procrastination mode until he is running out of time and at that point hyperfocus will kick in and he will do try to get all the studying done studying or doing assignments for very long hours in a row.

what worked with DS at that age was having a very immutable routine at home AND deadlines, plenty of deadlines, as long as he had deadlines every week he was studying at a good pace.

Talk to the school about this, they may be expecting less of him if they have children with more severe issues in the same group but if they know you are on the ball and he has the capacity, adding some weekly deadlines might do the trick.

I’m sorry to hear this.

The getting cross is a problem here too. If I even try to discuss anything he gets angry very quickly. So impossible to help.

Thanks to everyone who replied.

i guess I hope some is a maturity thing. Unfortunately I don’t think deadlines would work for him, unless very immediate - it’s as if unless something is immediate he can’t get it. He lives very much in the moment ( apart from when he’s anxious about the next day!). But some is just like he doesn’t see the point?

The expectation thing is interesting - the time he did best at school was when he had an LTA who had adhd himself. He was fun and engaging but also had very high expectations of DS and was quite strict.

I won’t begin to mention the nightmare that is homework….

Have you discussed your concerns with the school? These days if they are worthwhile it is on their mind to get the best from your child that they can.

FWiW I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD. At school I did as I was told and tried to copy my friends, who were a good influence. Since leaving school I have steered an unambitious course through life and kept my nose clean. I would be disappointed if my children settled for my example.

In your situation I would lean on identifying what really interests him, and encourage exploration of developing these as potential ways to make a living.

As I opened with, you ought to already have access to professionals who can help you both navigate this concern. Well meaning amateurs like me should not be your only help.

I had the same with DS, very forgetful, very distracted, I do not even get annoyed about this anymore, I am just heartbroken seeing at such potential being wasted on what for everyone else would be simple to remember like packing the right kit for exams or take an earlier bus on exam days.

DS managed to get top grades and a place in one of the top universities in the country but without the strict deadlines and the routine he had at home sometimes I think he doesn’t even remember to eat.

One thing that I have learned, however, is that he is trying very hard, probably harder than most but the ADHD betrays him. With age he has been able to articulate better why he gets so annoyed when I try to get him to do better: He says he us trying hard and is VERY frustrated at his mistakes, he also says he is very embarrassed so he doesn’t need to get me telling him to do better on top as if he was not trying hard enough. 😕

I trust that eventually, he will find a job where his quirks and ability to multitask and see the big picture (comes with ADHD) will help him to progress… as it has helped me as, at the end of the day, he might have inherited ADHD from me.

Have you had a conversation with professionals about medication? It's not for everyone, but secondary school age pupils can potentially benefit enormously from being able to finally concentrate. For some it's the help they need to achieve their potential.

Sorry I should have said - yes he is medicated already

Is your DS on medication?

May be be isn't on the right medication and it needs to be changed?

@MeMySonAnd1 - I do think you are right that they actually are trying really hard. And it must be very difficult to have to live like this in this world.

@SidneyGrapes -thanks also for replying. Yes I should try and find something ( atm it’s just football and Fortnite! He is extremely good at pretty much all sports. Maybe that might be something related eventually).

I have been wondering this. It took quite a while to get him to what he is in now and it’s a relatively high dose (40mg Elvanse ) - he’s tiny. He also doesn’t eat on it.

we did try the other main drug first and it didn’t seem to work as well. I’m wondering about trying him on immediate release with a top up. Or also wonder if he’s possibly on too high a dose

People with adhd can have real difficulties with a. Starting tasks b. Knowing how to do tasks ….I am often surprised at my daughters lack of understanding . There is also a real need for something to be exciting ,stimulating or,like you say, to have a teacher who is very supportive , to engage them …is he adequately medicated? Otherwise , he is also a year 7 and I think many kids probably aren’t overly motivated at that age!