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Are you harder now that you are older?

9 replies

sqcrispsal · 22/01/2024 16:55

When I was young in my teens and early 20's I was so open and trusting to the point of being gullible really. I also had a tendency to really put other people on a pedestal and think they were so perfect and wish I could be like them. Unfortunately this meant that people would often try to take advantage of me, hurt me and I did some pretty dumb things.

Now I'm in my early 40's and I am so much more guarded than I used to be, I am extremely private and probably quite hard to get to know. I have really strong boundaries now and tend to keep people at arms length until I know how much I can trust them if at all. I do have a DH who I've been with now for 20 years and he has never let me down and I have a few family and friends I know I can rely on.

In many ways now that I am older and have had more experience of life I think in many ways I am more sensitive and compassionate than I was when I was younger. I appreciate the complexity of life and am less black and white in my thinking but I am also less likely to get involved and probably prioritise my own wellbeing over helping a random person.

I think of things like when I was younger I tried to help a homeless man who sat outside my work and it didn't end well for me or volunteering which just ended in me getting exploited or friends who just saw me as a resource to use up and discard or same with people who wanted to do the same in the work place.

I wonder if this is the same for everyone, I suppose it is for many.

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Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 22/01/2024 17:00

It probably is the same for most people. If you search around mn you will find plenty of posts where people fully admit that a they get older they have fewer fucks to give, or have just learn to say no and not be walked over. Know your own worth etc.
I’m one of them.

Urcheon · 22/01/2024 17:02

No, probably the opposite. I was a very poor child from an impoverished, dysfunctional background, who was taught some very dysfunctional scripts about relationships and other people as a child. I knew the world wasn’t a safe or easy place from my earliest childhood.

As I grew to adulthood, I got out of my early circumstances, found my strength, economic independence and friendships. From a place of comparative strength and security, I’m much more able (now 51) to be open to people, but also boundaried, and to offer help without making myself overly vulnerable.

sqcrispsal · 22/01/2024 17:04

@Urcheon Well I suppose that makes sense, I probably had a different kind of background, it wasn't a well off one but my parents were lovely and I was a bit soft. Perhaps we meet in the middle at this age?

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StripeyDeckchair · 22/01/2024 17:04

I wouldn't say harder.
When I was younger I thought everything was very right or wrong, it was all clear cut.
Now I realise that most things are a shade of grey; life is more complex than I realised.

But with age comes attitude - I am not going to let anyone patronise me, talk down to me, assume I will do things to suit them, take advantage of me or other vulnerable or less confident people in my vicinity - no fucks are given.

sqcrispsal · 22/01/2024 17:09

@StripeyDeckchair Perhaps harder is the wrong word as I'm not especially tough or hard but I neither am I as soft or open as I was in my younger years. I am quite careful about protecting myself these days. When I was young I simply didn't realise that there were people who would go out their way to hurt or take advantage of me and now I know that is the case so I act accordingly.

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Whatineed · 22/01/2024 17:15

Yes I think so.

I'm in my early 50's.

I don't ruminate over what people think of me anymore. If I get burned I react quickly, learn, reframe my expectations and move on. I have no qualms about cutting people out of my life if they are bringing me down in anyway. I communicate openly on this.

I also completely see through men. And they know it. 🤣

wutheringkites · 22/01/2024 17:17

Urcheon · 22/01/2024 17:02

No, probably the opposite. I was a very poor child from an impoverished, dysfunctional background, who was taught some very dysfunctional scripts about relationships and other people as a child. I knew the world wasn’t a safe or easy place from my earliest childhood.

As I grew to adulthood, I got out of my early circumstances, found my strength, economic independence and friendships. From a place of comparative strength and security, I’m much more able (now 51) to be open to people, but also boundaried, and to offer help without making myself overly vulnerable.

Same. I was much more hard and cynical at 20 than I am at 40.

BarelyLiterate · 22/01/2024 17:21

I have always been cold, hard, selfish & cynical. Nothing I have experienced in my half century on this planet has persuaded me to change my approach.

sqcrispsal · 22/01/2024 17:32

@Whatineed I used to think men were so wonderful but now I know what a mess many of them are. I have a lovely husband who I do feel lucky to be with but I also wish I could go back and give my younger self just a bit of the insight i have now so she didn't waste her time and energy on men who didn't deserve her!

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