Is contentment possible when in a situation you can't change?

[CountryMouseInAFix]

Do you think it's possible to find contentment when there are things you would like to change about your situation, but can't?

I am constantly creating scenarios in my mind in which I would be happier, and my real life compares very unfavourably. Which really is unfair because objectively it's not a bad life. I just feel like I wish I had made different decisions in the past.

I've been reading about contentment and it's very appealing..... But how do I get there ? I know I should be accepting of where I am, mindfulness etc, but there's always this sense that I should actually be living a different life. For various reasons though I can't make the big changes that I fixate on, so the only option is to find some peace in reality, but is that possible?

I’m in such a situation. If I stay with DH I’m financially secure and have company, but if I stay I’m also accepting his lies, laziness, and drinking.
Ive tried to be content with knowing the bills are paid, I get to see the kids, knowing I’ve got support if I get sick etc, but the feminist in me keeps shouting that this isn’t good enough.
So no, I don’t think you can be content unless you lose a part of yourself.

Oh good Lord no! Try for what you want and the contentment comes automatically.

Depends. I’m a lone parent and it’s not the situation I would have wanted. My social and career opportunities are limited. But it’s not forever, and despite being frustrated I find contentment in knowing I’m providing for my child and I have a good relationship with them. It’s a season of life.

I couldn’t find contentment in being in a miserable toxic relationship - it’s definitely easier to find contentment in the small things of life out of that.

so I would say it depends on the situation - some things you should get out of and change, others it’s easier.

I think you do need to have some things you are working to change, and others you accept. Like that famous prayer... you can accept perhaps that you'll never be able to give up work and move to the seaside, IF on the other hand you're spending your weekends working towards another dream - creating a garden, fixing up the house you're in, going open water swimming... whatever it takes...
I think that accepting everything as the way it currently is is not he way to contentment, you need to be working on something.

I struggled with this for maybe 5 years, don't get me wrong I haven't been hugely unhappy but I just feel like I've settled. Things are comfortable yes but my needs aren't being met and I felt like if I woke up to this when me and my kids were older it would be even harder. In May 23 I just had to say something and yes my life has exploded and it's painful and messy but it feels more me than I have done in a long time. I feel like I've had some sort of breakdown along the way but I have also seen it, or trying to at least, as a rebirth.

It's scary, not going to lie, and tough, really tough at times, but somewhere you find this strength, this feeling of power. And it's not constant, some days I feel like you know what, but it's in ME and it'll be in YOU too.xxx

Interesting responses, thank you.

So perhaps contentment is based on finding a mix of acceptance and striving... I guess.

I do feel so far that it's actually quite hard to find contentment when you are so entwined with other people and their expectations/demands/own striving etc.

Finding any balance feels overwhelming.
Maybe the season of life thing is useful though... Kids grow, relationships change, jobs change (maybe).....

If you accept the things you can't change then of course you can be content.

However, if you are unhappy and you COULD change your situation I doubt you'll ever be really content.

I feel this.

The contentment I feel now is greater than it was before. I can't say I am 'happier' per se but I provide for my kids emotionally and financially and I know that come what may I need to be me.

Big love @audweb! Xxx

If one's life is being thwarted and stunted by another person then no.

If it's down to a reluctance to make changes, take a risk, deep regrets, apathy etc. then no.

Make sure you aren't thinking the grass is greener but honestly knowing who you are and what makes you calm and feel at peace are the things to pursue and to aim for.

Acceptance that you are happy with yourself most of the time and accepting life is never perfect...and having no one who is deflating your mood on a regular basis should mean you find contentment. Usually comes after experiencing quite a few decades of life [and happy with letting go of a lot, as a natural process].

Absolutely yes.
I focus on nature, community, laughter, making the ordinary special, needs v wants.
I think contentment is a great decision to make for life.
I personally don't understand too much ambition - always striving for something more is a waste of life.

I think contentment is lots of little things that add up to a general feeling of contentment. I always remember my late Mum when someone brings up contentment as she was the most content person I’ve ever known. She had a tragic childhood but a wonderful marriage, children and grandchildren who adored her. Average paid jobs, ordinary 3 bed house, no frills. Holidays to Spain, enjoyed meals at home, comfy sofa, new gas fire, she’d come home from work and sit down with a G&T and she loved it! They quite fancied moving to a bigger house at one point but just wasn’t financially viable for my parents. She said she’d lived her dream life. She taught me so much. Can’t ask for more than that!

So is contentment a mindset you can learn? Or are some people more naturally content?

If I believe I would be more content if I change X or y or z, is that just 'striving' and anti-contentment thinking?

We can't always get what we think we want. But I'm worried that if I focus on the small stuff (which is there in my life, it's not a bad one), that one day I'll be even more stuck and will want to scream at my previous self (I suppose that is what I am doing now in some ways....)

@SingsongSu your mum sounds wonderful. Lovely to have such warm memories of her. Contented people are lovely to be around.

I am not at the moment.

@beachcomber70 wise. Sounds a bit like I need to get older. I am in a busy stage of life. Kids, work, promotions etc.
My twenties were striving to get ready for family, 30s were building the family, and now in my forties I'm struggling to find myself again. Striving at work, stretched with family, and tired and wishing I was where I'm not.

I think that, as a woman, you give up part of yourself for a partner and children. You compromise because you want/need to. But when the kids are grown you want you back, some independence, and that’s one of my problems.
Little things like not being able to deal with the power companies for my house because DH’s name is on the bill, having little/no pension as I was a SAHM/PT for many years when the kids were small, and now I’ve no say in his big pension. I feel a lack of control, and I can’t find contentment in that.

I struggle with this also.

My current situation felt very out of reach even just 5 years ago, but now that I'm here, I'm still not content. It's the shitty way that our brains tend to work and it's so difficult to override (but definitely worth trying to).

Look up the term "hedonistic treadmill", which is somewhat related.

@CountryMouseInAFix the word you use In contrast to contentment - “striving” - is quite an extreme state of being in my opinion. Indicating maybe some black and white thinking?
I know I’m at my most happy when gently working towards something. I’d never call it striving but more a sense of progress or purpose towards a goal. “Striving” doesn’t sound very self-compassionate.

@CountryMouseInAFix I felt very like that in my 40s with kids, work promotion. It always felt like everything was building up to something, eg, child finishing primary school, getting closer towards paying off the mortgage, parents ageing (mine have now passed away), the treadmill of commuting and working - I'd recently been promoted and was proving myself in my new role. But now, in my 50s, I feel that I'm now in a steady-state. I know where I am with work, mortgage is under control, child is doing well in high school (caveat: teen girl dramas.....). I feel much more content. It's not a fancy lifestyle by any means but every day I feel grateful for what I have. Much like @SingsongSu's lovely mum. I'm never going to set the world on fire but I'm happy with my lot and often feel like the richest person alive even though in a monetary sense I am not.

(Edited as tagged the wrong person)

While contentment can vary day to day for me so much depends not on the now but the fundamentals of my life, especially when things are difficult.

Do you have a good husband that supports you @CountryMouseInAFix, do you like your job enough for the money you're paid to do it, do you have a passion or outlet and space to do it? Even if they're not there now can you see a path to them in your future?

I know the basics are right and that enables me to be content with the difficult things in life that I can't change.

The serenity 'prayer' is a good one here:

grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can,and Wisdom to know the difference.

You can change loads of little things. Your viewpoint, and your reactions, for starters. Accept the things you can't change.

Make lists. Short term and long term. And then tick them off. Go for that promotion, learn new excel things, sell kids old dressing up costumes on eBay and save that money separately.

I think it’s definitely something you can learn but also agree with PPs about becoming more content as you begin to age. I also don’t necessarily believe that some people are more naturally content. It’s difficult today living in a society where we can see so many living the ‘perfect social media life’ even people we know. Foreign travel, gifted children, designer homes, extreme wealth etc.
Comparison is dangerous for our personal contentment.
Having therapy may help to learn to retrain your brain. Also positive affirmations, keeping a gratitude diary. They can be a bit 🙄at times as it’s a bit done to death on SM but there’s definitely something in it.

I agree that it does depend what's not good about your current life. But assuming it's nothing truly awful, I think one of the tricks is to think about how your life would be different/lesser if you had made different choices or if things were different in your life.

Sometimes I have these dreams of more money/different career/something else etc. But then I remember that if I had those things, there would be things I wouldn't have from the DC, to my marriage, to the friendships I have etc. And I wouldn't want to give any of those up.

Contentment to me is: busy-ness being a choice, having 'enough' to live comfortably and no aching to have more, life at your own pace, feeling settled, no real pressures and no envy of other life styles/possessions/wealth etc., loving the small things in your home/surroundings, time to think and look around you, having a circle of people [or just one or two] who are close, gratitude for everything...everything! Gratitude every day.

I agree with PP that comparison is not good. Be yourself and give yourself what you need. I live simply and quietly quite like SingsongSu's mother. Materialism isn't the way [in my opinion]. And I think it is something we can learn too, and it takes an open mind, reflection and time, maybe changes in attitude and getting life into perspective.

Interested to know other people's definition of being 'content'.

Nope I'd never stay in a situation I'm unhappy in for money, it's just money. My ex was earning thousands when I ended it, I didn't have a job! So I got a FT job, my own flat (rented) and he bought me out of our house. My happiness was worth SO much more than money!

I am with @FindingMeno so yes. I would say, rediscover yourself and carve out time for things that make you happy.

Also I reckon it depends what age you are and what u are prepared to give up (or not). Time doesn't stand still so make most of it.