DD 12 is really struggling with mainstream school…

[Thedryjanuarydiaries]

As title says, 12 year old DD is really struggling with mainstream secondary school to the point that she is point blank refusing to go, mostly on a Monday morning and asks daily if she can be homeschooled.

No bullying as far as I’m aware, she does have plenty of friends and from the limited feed back I’ve had from the school shes quite a leader among her peers. She just says she really struggles with the teachers, doesn’t like any of them and finds it “annoying”

I do suspect possible ADD from certain behavioural/personality traits at home and she has been flagged previously at her old school as struggling with concepts as well as few clashes with teachers at current school

The school is a very large with big class sizes and a huge catchment area and I think she also feels the pressure with how she comes across to fellow peers.

I have of course tried to keep comms up with teachers, and had a meeting with her year head before Christmas who promised lots of support and ideas to help and things settled for a while but now worse than ever and still waiting on a phone back from her from last Monday!!

I just wondered if anyone has gone through similar with their DC and has any words of advice…home schooling isn’t an option for us as both myself and DH work but I can’t have her so sad and upset about school every day either…

This morning she got herself so worked up that she almost threw up and couldn’t catch her breath so this isn’t just a nonchalant can’t be arsed, we have compromised that she can get a lift in with big sister who goes in a bit later on a Monday but obviously this isn’t a solution…

I just feel so unsure on how to handle this, I’m actually quite firm with the the DC
normally but this just feels different and really don’t feel like I’m getting the support needed from the school.

Have you been to the GP about your concerns?

When I met with the year head before Christmas she said to hold off with GP just now until she had correlated a picture of DD from all her teachers (think she called is a ROBIN process/meeting) but it’s one of the things she hadn’t got back to me about.

I phoned last Monday couldn’t get her and left a message for her to call me back and still waiting, I will try again this morning!

It's not for the head to tell you to not see your GP when you have concerns about your child.

If she does have ASD and has been masking then starting Secondary school is a very common time for the cracks to start to show. Try and get extra support from the school and start the process for diagnosis and potentially an EHCP - although the school will probably tell you she's fine.

They didn’t tell me what to do, we just came up with a plan moving forward and I’m still waiting for them to get back to me with their side of it…

The problem with "waiting for them to get back" to you is that the clock is ticking. It can take years to get an assessment.
I would phone in every day your daughter refuses to attend and say it is because of mental health reasons. Also document everything, keep a diary, email for confirmation of verbal meetings, and get deadlines for actions.
Do see your GP and get that ball rolling.
Big schools with big classes can cope with some students with SN if they have the motivation.
But I would also start the EHCP process.

And this advice comes from years of experience of both my own and other people's children with SN

Do you think she would prefer a smaller school? Is the size overwhelming her?

Look up the group "not fine in school" on Facebook. You'll find plenty of other parents in the same or similar position.

OP the other posters are correct. You need to see GP asap and get wheels in motion as it can take years anyway.
Are there are smaller schools around which may suit her better?

Contact the early years team are your local council, they might be able to offer advice. It's sometimes overwhelming for them joining such a big school. I would keep on at school but going by previous experience they don't always want to know. I had to withdraw my 15 year old son due to mental health issues. He's better now but I didn't realize how bad he was struggling. Good luck x

What form do these problems with her teachers take?

Thanks everyone, just phoned the GP and have an appointment for next Tuesday..

I have considered a school move but I think that feels even more terrifying to her and shes not entertaining it. She went through the 11+ process but unfortunately right in the middle of covid so limited tutoring and she just missed the threshold for Grammar which I kick myself about every day as think would have been such a better suited setting.

@shellyleppard I’ve just looked and I do have an early years service near me however from have a quick look online it says 0-5 years, am I looking at the wrong thing?

No I thought the same but it covers teenagers as well?? Might be worth ringing your local council and talking to them. I have registered my son for a place on the 14-19 study program. Its for GCSEs English and maths, job search skills and confidence building. Smaller classes too. Good luck 🍀💕

I've been through similar and would advise the following-

• Make a diary of all of the issues she is having so you have a written record.
• Make and appointment with the school senco.
• Make an appointment with the GP to ask for a referral for an autism assessment.
• Write to the LA to ask for an EHCNA - basically an assessment for an EHCP this can sometimes speed up assessments. https://www.ipsea.org.uk/asking-for-an-ehc-needs-assessment
• If she misses more than 15 days, consecutive or non consecutive the LA has a duty to make alternative provisions under s. 19 of the Education Act so you can request this directly from your LA.
• Someone upthread said ask for assistance from Early Years, I think they meant Early Help, this may vary from LA to LA but some do find it useful.

@lifeturnsonadime thank you so much for taking the time to write this all out, it’s really helpful.

just on hold to my local council and then will contact LA.

I think you need to decide what you want from the school - what strategies do you want putting in place? - if you cannot think of strategies, knowing your daughter as you do, it is unlikely the school will have any. Also is she one pupil in 800 -1,000 others? Even if you get a diagnosis I am not sure how that will help - support is limited, the process is long but that does not mean to say it isn't worth the fight. It is a big step up from primary. You mentioned some issues at primary therefore these are likely to be amplified at secondary. You mentioned school saying she is a leader of her peers - do they mean she creates trouble at school - sorry, but my daughter is the same. Did some of her friends go to the grammar school. Has she picked up that you wished she had passed and gone too. Finally 12 is a difficult age. I would still make the phone calls but also think about putting the diagnosis aside (at least in your head) and think about her as a girl trying to find her way in a new situation and how you can help.

What form do these problems with her teachers take?

Its very much a simple case of being to do something in a way that DD does not agree/understand and it escalating to her being removed from class which she will do willingly. Things like teachers telling her to take her jacket off and DD not wanting to do it because she’s cold, moving seats when DD doesn’t agree it’s warranted..

I know it sounds like just plain bad behaviour but she is actually quite a quiet/shy girl.

She just gets so upset and frustrated as trying to explain her side to me or another teacher she just cannot comprehend that there is any other version.

I can see why she is asking for homeschooling because this will take away the need to conform to a particular set of rules. However I can also see why school struggles and she finds herself being removed from class. Also being asked to change seats and refusing because 'she doesn't feel it warranted' .. can see why she clashes with teachers and it comes across as bad behaviour. Thedryjanuarysdaughter I need you to move seats because you are distracting another student...Its hard and I hope you find an answer

I do think a diagnosis is worth pursuing. ND kids can struggle with things like "move seats" because either
A) they don't have a natural sense of hierarchy so don't understand that a request from a teacher has a great weight than one from a peer.
B) they actually find the anxiety caused by such a request, and especially the idea they may have "got it wrong"/ been less than perfect. Totally overwhelming, which can lead to them lashing out like a cornered animal.

Did she have these problems at Primary or did they adapt themselves to her?

@MollyButton thank you!

She did but on a smaller scale, although she was in a small village school so a much quieter environment.

In year 4 we were told she struggled with concepts, it was put to us with learning scenarios rather than behavioural…

ie trouble ordering things in a certain way when she had in her head it should be done differently. Using different ways to find answers to sums, she would refuse because her way was correct. (it was but there was more than one answer)

They did also at one point think that she might be dyslexic due to her missing out worlds when reading but they put it down to her reading too quickly and not concentrating enough.

We had one incident in year two when she refused to eat the school lunches and they wouldn’t let her have her packed lunch so had a huge tantrum under the dining table, was VERY out of character for her as such a shy girl with adult/teachers but I guess it had just escalated with s very persistent teacher!

Still waiting on her year head to call me back, apparently she is going to do so this morning!