Driving anxiety

[Anxiousannie3]

Wasn’t sure where to put this thread to be honest so apologies if it’s in the wrong place!

Coming up to 50 in a few years and most of my life convinced myself I wasn’t able to drive. It’s been really restricting and in my 20s I took lessons, theory and practical tests, failed my practical and then never went back. I’ve had 2 instructors who I didn’t get along with, my family weren’t very supportive (the men believe women shouldn’t drive so was never encouraged) but for the sake of my 2 teenage DDs and to set an example feel that I should.

DH has always supported me no matter what but has been a little less encouraging than I would like, ie never really encouraged or put me off either way. But he’s concerned about the cost of a second car if my heart isn’t in it - we’ve done some research and its so expensive.

i just don’t know what to do. I really want to do it but fear I’m too old now and I don’t have any support or encouragement from anyone which makes it worse. I don’t actually need to drive anywhere either, everything (work, school, town) is in walking distance. Anyone been in the same position?

Not having the support or encouragement is disheartening but don’t be put off my other people, even if you do not use your driving skills it will be a huge confidence boost and you can then stop thinking about it which for me, is a plus. You won’t necessarily have to have a second car and you are not too old at all.

I took my motorcycle licence at 45. I don’t ride now but it’s probably the only time in my life that I could not wipe the smile off my face when I passed.

You shouldn't use lack of support from others as a reason not to do something, just go for it, it'll be beneficial skill to have in future years.

I learned late in life due to intense driving anxiety. People kept going on and on about the fact that I “should” drive and I need to just do it. So I learned, was absolutely terrified but managed to eventually pass my test. I was over the moon to have done it. Unfortunately when it came down to driving on my own, my intense fear remained and I nearly crashed on a few occasions. I realised some people truly don’t belong on the road and I’m one of them. Am I glad I learned? Actually no. I suffered a complete mental health breakdown that took me over 3 years to recover from. I didn’t have “normal” amounts of fear, it was absolutely crippling.

Normally I hate when posters come on here and paint the worst case scenarios because bottomline is I had a very unusual experience. But your title was driving anxiety so it caught my eye. If your gut tells you that it’s not for you, I’d believe it. Having said that, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t kick myself for passing the test, paying all that money and time, and still being a failure at it.

People shouldn’t pressure one another. It sounds like you have less driving anxiety and more dealing with people who don’t want you to drive. That’s wrong too. You should do what you want and not listen to what others think you should do. Good luck.

My mum learnt when she was 48 as she had never needed to before, public transport was okay and we walked everywhere, she passed first time.

Go for it, it opens so many doors.

If you want to learn then learn - don't let other people persuade you either way.

Thanks for your replies everyone. I know I have to do it for myself and no one else, I just feel like a second class person if you see what I mean , a lot of people I meet are shocked when I say I can’t drive and I really want to, I’m just a big bag of nerves when I’m doing it and the roads are getting busier and busier :-(

Why would you have to buy a second car if you have a family car you can use to get experience in and pretty much everything is within walking distance anyway?

Getting a good instructor who supports your confidence is key. Is your current family car manual or automatic? You could try auto lessons and see if you find that easier.

Hi, definately would learn in an automatic and the family car is manual at the moment but DH said he’d be happy to change and get one that suits us both. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time I guess. Really feeling low today, sorry for the pity party!

I am so sorry that you are feeling low. I had a couple of driving tests and failed. I passed my third driving test at 48. I must admit l haven’t driven since and now l am just 57. I am nervous but l am determined to drive this year. I believe in you, l know that might sound silly as k don’t know you. It is just a gut feeling. Do it for you and no one else. It doesn’t matter when you do it. We will help you to motive yourself to do it. All you can do is try it and see how you feel. 💐💐💐

I have had driving anxiety for all my life and the best advice i can give is that it isn’t all or nothing. Don’t shut any doors permanently, but also don’t see periods of not driving as a failure. (Much the same way like people think their diet is ruined when they eat one cookie, but the other way around)

I passed my test when i was 23, stopped driving at 25 due to anxiety. I picked it up again in my mid-30s when i had kids and wanted to move around town. Then my parents got ill and i had to drive them to doctors often and it triggered my anxiety a lot. Since my mum died and dad got in a care home, I took a pause from driving again. But i promised my son that when he passes his driving test in a few years we’ll buy a car together and we will both drive in it.

You're going to be anxious no matter what. If you wait for anxiety to subside you'll likely never do it. Only option really is to go for it. Good luck. Many many people manage to drive and I am sure you are entirely average - thus, you too can do it!

My Mum passed her test in her 40's, she liked the instructor who I had at 17, so took the plunge. (She hadn't liked her previous instructors either!)

She's nearly 70 now, and whilst wouldn't do long motorway journeys, she's steadily become confident enough to drive within about a 30mile radius of home.

This has proved helpful on many occasions - when my Dad had a heart attack and was in hospital having bypass surgery, she could drive to visit him and pick up the slack when he wasn't legally allowed to drive for quite a while. She visits her friends independently and loves going food shopping on her own :)

Conversely her best friend doesn't drive and now her husband is terminally ill, she's having to rely on favours from her friends to go anywhere.

Only you know what is right for you, but I got the impression you could do with a bit of encouragement. Explain this to your husband, he sounds broadly supportive, but maybe doesn't realise you'd like his help more.

Agree an automatic is easier.
Also don't forget in "xx" amount of years there will be driverless cars, so this could all be academic!

There are confidence building courses that you can take after passing your test.
www.autotrader.co.uk/content/advice/pass-plus-scheme?refresh=true

Hi OP I passed my test age 50 on my second go so it's definitely possible.

If you want to do it just do it.

Like you I thought I wasn't missing out but actually now I have a car lots of things are easier and take less time and I've realised that there were whole chunks of town and a whole variety of activities that weren't on my radar because I'd got so used to the limitations imposed by not driving.

It wasn't plain sailing. I needed shit loads of lessons and there were times I thought I'd never get there. Also even once I'd passed I was terrified when I first went out alone. I had to check and recheck every route over and over and I was in a state of absolute panic most of the time. That lasted a good few months to be honest but I kept on forcing myself to drive, even when it wasn't strictly necessary. Talking with friends it's very common to be anxious when you first pass but obviously by our age most people have been driving for decades so new driver nerves is not something that is generally discussed by the over 50s.

Now however I love driving. It gives me enormous freedom and I genuinely enjoy it. It's also fascinating to see my town from a driver's perspective and understand how roads work and how everything connects up. Honestly!

If you want to do it, do it. There's no question that you're capable. Think of the most stupid person you've ever met. Now think, that person has a driving licence. If they can do it, you definitely can.

the men believe women shouldn’t drive

How bizarre! Is that just one or two men in your family that think that or loads of people? What’s the thinking behind it. Do you have no female drivers in your whole family?

I passed late on life and can totally relate to feeling like a second class citizen. However you should def go for it, after multiple instructors through my younger years I finally found a great instructor I got on with really well. I did everything in small steps so I didn't get too overwhelmed but found booking stuff then forcing myself to work to those dates worked best. So I booked my theory, then revised and passed it, then booked my lessons and booked my test quite soon after so I had a date to work to ( you can always push your test date back or bring it forward but it can be about a 6 month waiting list atm). I failed twice and each time felt like it would never happen for me but I kept going and rebooked my test as quick as i could and passed 3rd time. I'm still a bit nervous sometimes especially when I drive somewhere new but I absolutely love driving now! It gets easier and the nerves lessen. Just keep plugging away and you will get there x

Gosh all of you have been really encouraging and helpful, I’m so glad I posted here !

i have asked DH for more encouragement as so far he’s been brutally honest “yes the roads ARE busier these days” “the journeys CAN be stressful” etc but when I’ve asked him to be more positive he’s replied with “I’m not going to lie to you” and that if I want to do it I shouldn’t rely on others being positive (he’s right)

I’m doing mock theory tests online at the moment and he’s bought me a Highway Code handbook to read through tonight, he’s asked if I could wait until it gets lighter in the mornings/evenings to start lessons as it’ll put me off having to drive in the dark / winter sunshine which I agree with. But I’m determined to do it, regardless of how long it will take.

@Shinyandnew1 2 x grandads and my dad mainly. Neither of my nans, or mum drive. I look at my mum who’s spent all of her life not being able to drive and don’t want to end up like that. I’ve had years of being in the car with my dad saying “bloody women drivers” if someone is driving bad it “must be a woman” and she’s either said nothing or agreed. She’s a very anxious and un confident person in general and doesn’t go anywhere or do anything and seems so unhappy / apologises for existing etc but has admitted she would never have the confidence to do it.

There’s a really good podcast series on drivers anxiety. I’ve used it before long driving journeys to help dampen the anxiety and rationalise it. It also covers learners. It’s called the “drivers confidence podcast”. Definitely worth checking out!

I'm still massively anxious and need to drive more than I do (as we don’t need to), but this helps me so much.

@Believeitornot thanks, I’ll check it out :-)

I think you need to forget what your husband says and focus on yourself. Imagine the freedom and convenience it opens up - you have NO idea until you are alone in a car on the open road, in your own headspace. Honestly, I would drive all day if I could and I LOVE a road trip.

On that basis I would ask around locally for a very gentle, sympathetic instructor and quietly go and do a lesson on a Sunday without making a song and dance about it. Then see how you feel.

Alternatively, perhaps do a short residential course first, there are various around.

One point I would make is that its actually better to learn to drive a manual car. It teaches you the relationship between the driver and the engine and you feel much more part of it when you "get" it. One of the great joys of driving (and riding a motorbike) is getting the gearing/ speed combo exactly right.

Also, its cheaper to buy and insure a manual car.

Agree that driving a manual pulled together the concept of how it all worked for me. I almost certainly made slower progress to begin with because I had to learn more than one new action at a time but in the end it paid off. Your choice of cars is much wider.

Ignore your dh. He's talking from the perspective of someone who already drives. He doesn't know at all how it feels to go from decades-long non-driver to driver. I do, and I can tell you it's bloody brilliant.

Re dark nights/mornings, do you have a lunch break and is it flexible? My instructor used to pick me up from work during my lunch break for a one hour lesson on days when I couldn't do evenings. Don't put it off - there are ways round everything.

@Unportula thanks for your insight :-)

no lunchbreaks as only work 6 hours a day school hours 5 days a week, the instructor I’m looking at only offers minimum 2 hour lessons. But I’m going to have a talk with my boss tomorrow to see if he’d let me make the hours up if I took 2 hours out of the working day, or perhaps take annual leave if not. Like you suggest, there’s ways around everything :-)