I can’t cope with having people to stay

[nameychangerrrrrr]

We live in a popular tourist spot and in last few years we’ve had a lot of visitors. I’m finding I just want to say no now, because I finish the visit often feeling pissed off. It’s not everyone, some people are respectful and stay a night or two and they’re gone and it’s a great time. But we just had a group of friends staying and one of them was a nightmare. I’d gone to so much trouble over it and she just moaned and stamped her foot for the whole time.

In general I just find it so draining having anyone to stay who isn’t family (with family I find it easier). There’s always someone who doesn’t pull their weight or doesn’t contribute their fair share, or who borrows stuff etc etc. CFs basically.

Am I alone in this?

@nameychangerrrrrr

Just curious 🤔
How does it often or allways cost you fortune figuratively speaking ect then?

When entertaining guests who come and stay with you?

that's quite interesting 🤔

I don't I like people to go home come see us get out of my house 😃

YAnBU. I wonder would they be so keen to stay with you if you didn’t live there.
Personally, I have a DD and a DB in London and I still prefer to stay in a hotel. Everyone needs their space. I love visiting but not staying .

I struggle with hosting. I live in a touristy place and people have to travel to get to us and stay 3 nights minimum. I had a friend and his family stay a few years ago. It was for 4 nights prime holiday time and I did ask the cooking, driving etc. Then by coincidence 6 months later I was near them and we had an emergency and needed somewhere to stay for 1 night. They refused saying they didn’t have enough space! We were literally homeless, all hotels booked for miles. They have a 4 bedroom house! I had to contact a friend I hadn’t seen in years and she gladly put us up.

following year the first friend (who refused us to stay) requested to come for the same holiday again! I took great pleasure in saying they couldn’t as we were hosting 2nd Set of friends who put us up the year before in our emergency situation.

i now have a policy of reciprocal hosting. If they haven’t hosted us, we don’t host them.

They really don't!
My sister comes to stay but 4 nights is the absolute max l can tolerate having someone here.
Like a pp said, it's not just the evenings, it's the whole day too!

I only host people I really like and who pitch in and help. I have three good friends who often come as I stay in a big house in a lovely area. When they are here we initiate the Airb&b protocol which means we pretend we are in rented accommodation and act accordingly. That way I don't get landed with all the work. Although I do have to sort beds and wash towels but I can handle that.

My MIL makes ‘friends’ on holiday and then actually takes them up on their polite offer to come and visit. Funnily enough the only ones she visits live on the coast…..

Turn the guest room into something else. Works a treat. You honestly sound a saint! You've done your bit.

@Lengokengo that is shocking! Good for you!

It depends entirely on the person, if it’s someone I do not want to host then I can easily say no.

well if you are spending a fortune buying amazing food etc then no wonder they all want to come.

Best to stop being a people pleaser, how you do that I have no idea, never been one.

You need to break a habit and just tell the truth - ie you find it too stressful and too much work. It is much less stressful. 🙃

I think this it's perfectly reasonable to stop hosting. I also live in a place that people want to visit and last year started to get fed up with hosting. I started to resent the fact that our spare bedroom was always guest-ready and was never actually used by myself or my daughter. In a three-bedroomed house, it felt ridiculous that one of the rooms was effectively wasted space. Anyway, last month we completely redecorated, sold the bed and have made the spare room into a second sitting room and study. We now use it all the time, for work, drinks, drying washing, watching tv and it's becoming my favourite room in the house. It does have a sofa bed so technically can accommodate guests, however all of my friends are turning 50 this year and none of us can do more than a night on a sofa bed these days 🤣. Get rid of your guest room(s) and problem solved!

Oh yes. I am the same now. It is the endless things they asked for. I had some damage to the property as they can be clumsy. I was finding myself buying food and towels and bedding for guests. Suddenly I asked myself why do I need to spend for others to save. Also, some were very flaky and I personally do not ever stay in people houses so can’t understand. I went cold turkey and now say that we have not room.

Make your excuses in the future op. As much as you might live in a popular tourist destination - you’re not running a holiday club. It’s your home and you should be able to feel relaxed.

It does cost a fortune! I have had the “Oh no! My Uber app isn’t working!” ploy on more than one occasion and, out of fear they’ll miss the one and only train that week to the moon, I book them an Uber on my app, just get them out the door (which is no longer a problem because I really learned to set boundaries the past two years! Hard work but the payoff is great!).

And the feeding! You’re cooking for 6 instead of 3, for example. And there’s always a dietary requirement (halal, vegan, gluten free- all in one).

Yes to the above poster! No need to spend our own money in order for others to save. I have learned the hard way how to say no. And what feels great is that I have no guilt. I’m a recovered people pleaser. 😁

I meant to say your foot stomping friend wouldn't be invited back, whatever you decide to do appalling way to behave in somebodies House.

@Lengokengo What did the first friend say when you explained the reason?

Don’t make up excuses! Just say “no sorry you can’t stay with us but we’d love to meet up” the next time someone asks. They’ll quickly stop.

It was by WhatsApp and they went very quiet. Literally didn’t hear from them so for months. I think they thought I’d forget maybe!? They haven’t suggested it again at least.

My SIL regularly invites herself (and sometimes brings her relatives) to stay with us midweek, often at very short notice. On one occasion we had 3 guests for 3 nights, less than a week after our new kitchen was installed and the house was still upside down. Then more recently we got 48 hours notice of a 4 night stay.

We both work FT and it’s exhausting, I just can’t make polite small talk over my Weetabix and at night just want to switch off, which I can’t do when I’m entertaining.

It won’t be happening any more

Just say you’ve taken a lodger.