Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

Original poster

Dd8 hates me going out

21 replies

loveulotslikejellytots · 20/01/2024 11:59

Dd is just 8. For the last few years (since covid) any mention of me going out makes her nervous and worried. Even just a quick meal out on my own with friends or DH is hard. She doesn't make a fuss as such but you can tell she's worried.

We only ever leave her with my mum or MIL. She's really close to them both and they always babysit at our house because they know she's comfier there. Similarly sleepovers are just a no go. She tried a sleep over last year at MIL's (which she asked to do) we weren't even going anywhere. It didn't go well, she didn't go to bed until midnight then was up at 5am wanting to go home.

If we go out and she's looked after at home, she wont go to sleep until we get back. She'll happily sit up. Her younger sister is fine.

There is nothing we can think of particularly that started this. Just after covid she went through a very clingy phase with me, but that went as soon as it came.

We've never lied to her or tricked her into going to Mums etc.

We've got a few things coming up this year (friends with big birthdays) and meals and nights away are being planned. And I've said no to most of them because I don't want to ask our Mums to babysit. But then I feel like I'm missing out on loads of things and as sad as it sounds, friends are starting to not invite me now, because they know I can't come.

How do I start to sort this out?

Neither of our Mums mind by the way, neither of them are hard on dd or tell her off about any of this.

OP posts:

Bubbleohseven · 20/01/2024 12:01

Don't say no to nights out. Be firm, tell her you're going out, you're always going to go out and she will be left safe and secure with someone else and the subject is closed.

Seriously, don't make a rod for your own back.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/01/2024 12:08

You have got to stop pandering to this because you're only exacerbating and prolonging the issue. Your daughter is safe and well cared for when you're out, and she doesn't have to like it. She will be fine.

bobomomo · 20/01/2024 12:11

In all honesty, if your mums are willing, I think you need to do it more, potentially just an hour or two, even daytime and work back up. Eg dropping her off for 2-3 hours on a Saturday afternoon would be a good way to start, equally have one of them to your house for a daytime session, frequently is the key, and build up hours and switching to evening, then overnight at theirs

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

cardibach · 20/01/2024 12:13

You saying no because you don’t want to ask grandparents to babysit isn’t really anything to do with your daughter’s worry though is it? I only used family babysitters and DD was totally chilled about me going out. If they don’t mind babysitting why don’t you want to ask them?
As others have said on the clinginess issue, all you can do is reassure her it’ll be ok. It that you are going to go out without her sometimes.

AnnaMagnani · 20/01/2024 12:15

The more you go out, the more she will realise that nothing went wrong, she had a nice time at her granny's house and it will be a normal part of her life.

If you keep cancelling then you going out is a big deal so something to be anxious about.

Original poster

loveulotslikejellytots · 20/01/2024 12:23

@bobomomo they already do. Both our mums do a school pick up each every week (their choice to do this, it's not just a childcare thing). MIL takes both girls out separately and together a lot. The same with my Mum. So I'm not sure what else we can do.

She's absolutely fine with spending days with them.

OP posts:

cansu · 20/01/2024 12:27

You need to meet it head on. Talk to her about it and explain that you will be going out more and that she needs to go to bed as she would normally do.

NuffSaidSam · 20/01/2024 12:27

You cannot let anxiety win in this sort of situation. The more you feed it, the stronger it gets. You need to go out more, not less. The more you go out and come back safely, the more it shows her it's fine. The more you avoid it, the harder it gets when you go out.

Go to all the things you want to go to this year. I'd also try and get out at least once a week so it becomes a normal part of life for her.

I was similar as a child so I know where she's coming from.

TotallyForgettableForNow · 20/01/2024 12:29

Stop turning down invitations because of your child! You are handing her an awful lot of 'power' in this situation.

You are very, very fortunate to have family willing and able to babysit, she is not suffering if you go out for the evening.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/01/2024 12:30

Why are you allowing your personal life to be completely controlled by this? You're allowing an eight year old child to prevent you from having any type of social life. It's quite mad, honestly, and only going to get worse the longer you pander to it.

PiersPlowman11 · 20/01/2024 12:32

I swear when I read these threads that nobody in the OP’s family talks to each other!

Sit down with your daughter before bed and ask her how things are going. Ask her how she feels about you leaving in the evenings and why.

Your response will depend upon what she tells you.

Missingmybabysomuch · 20/01/2024 12:37

As hard as it is @loveulotslikejellytots I think you are making it worse by declining invitations as you are inadvertently confirming to your DD that she has cause to worry and that she's safer if you're there.
I would see if you can arrange more evenings out but for shorter periods to begin with. Maybe just an hour to start with? Lots of smiles and positivity about what a lovely time she will have with Granny.

Kwam31 · 20/01/2024 12:49

Be honest with yourself; you're not turning down invites because you don't want to ask your mum to babysit, you're saying no because you're allowing your child to control
your life.
Why is she not told to go to bed instead of sitting up? You're giving her a lot of power over you.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/01/2024 12:54

Also, call your friends and say you will be going to those events. I can promise you that if you continue to allow your child to control your life, you will look back on this in the future with huge regrets and you'll realise how ridiculous it was to hand over all this power to a child.

Original poster

loveulotslikejellytots · 20/01/2024 17:15

@PiersPlowman11 I've talked to DD a lot about it. So has DH. She can't explain why she feels the way she feels, but she was 5/6 when it started, I thought she'd be able to articulate it better as she got older. But she still can't explain it, I guess it is worry/anxiety, she can't explain a feeling.

It's not an hour here or there we have a problem with. She's fine staying with my mum for the day during the holidays while I work. She's fine staying in with DH if I pop out. It's literally just evenings and overnights.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 20/01/2024 17:37

She will get used to that, too, and it's ok for your child to not be 100% happy all of the time, op. You never going out in the evening or away overnight is just ridiculous. That is not the solution to this problem.

PiersPlowman11 · 20/01/2024 23:28

Since you have attempted to address the anxiety, and your daughter struggles to communicate it, I suggest you avoid feeding it.

Smile and remain cheerful. Neither chide nor console her for staying up when you get home; just take her to bed and wish her sweet dreams.

If she wants you to tarry, just tell her that you, too need to get ready for bed so you’ll see her again over breakfast.

The message should be “no big deal, no drama, let’s just get on with our lives.”

Good luck!

Bubbleohseven · 21/01/2024 14:46

loveulotslikejellytots · 20/01/2024 17:15

So she's ok if you're working, or shopping or running errands. She just doesn't like it when you're out having a good time.

Mumaway · 21/01/2024 14:48

It's very normal and our DD8 was similar until very recently. Lots of reassurance that mummy always comes back, promise that we will go and give her kisses when we get home, and try to put her to bed (even if it's a bit early) before we go out.

SlidingInto2024 · 21/01/2024 16:56

I used to be very anxious about driving (vomitting, shaking etc), the only thing that resolved it was driving. The more I avoided it, the more it cemented the anxiety as being 'correct', but the more I replaced the anxiety with experience, the smaller it became. I was retraining my brain essentially.

If it was my 8yo, I would increase the frequency of going out starting with shorter durations, then build it up (especially as it sounds like you have really lovely grandparents who'd be happy to help).

EdgarsTale · 21/01/2024 17:00

You’re feeding the anxiety by allowing her to avoid the situation. You have to still go out & leave her. The more she does it and realises all is well, the easier it will get.

Our job is to help DC through their anxieties, not to help them avoid the situations that make them anxious. That just makes it worse

Flip