Not fitting in

[Adropofink]

I’ve never really held on to friends. Very much for a season or a time in my life. I just have one that I’ve had since pre kids. Since the kids started school I made a real effort to make more, to meet up with others as families so the kids (and me!) don’t feel left out.

I honestly think if I made no effort, we’d never hear from anyone. But at the same time I just don’t want to make the effort. I get so jealous seeing and hearing of families out having fun together, kids on sleepovers but I just am fed up of trying to arrange things with people that I’m not actually sure I really even like spending time with. But I’ve rarely found anyone I want to spend time with. Is that strange or do others feel like that?

It’s like in theory I really want to be spending time with friends and in groups but in reality it’s just not for me but I can’t seem to come
to terms with that because I should want to spend time with others and have friends?

I’m wondering what’s wrong with me. Am I depressed? Menopausal? Just haven’t found the right people? Do I just need to suck it up despite not clicking. I’ve always struggled with this and so wanted it to be different for my kids - but it’s not. They rarely get invited to anything either.

They go to clubs, we’re active in helping at school despite working ft. I just can’t get my own head around this. Please help me understand myself!

Autism? I can relate to a lot of what you say and have been thinking for a few years now I may be autistic but not seeking a diagnose as not sure what it would achieve. Sometimes it's just best to do your own thing to be honest, maybe you simply haven't found the right people. What about your children? Are they upset by it?

Yes I get it. I've got several autistic family members and one of kids is. I'm wondering if I'm the same and have been masking my whole life. I struggle making friends and holding onto them. I've got a few close friends from childhood who I feel comfortable with but I'm a closed book to everyone else. I feel like I'm behind a wall. I feel lonely sometimes but making the effort to make new friends seems such a hard thing to do because my family life is busy and I don't have the mental will to even want to do it.

I’m happy to find others that can relate! You can feel like the only one sometimes. I see others with huge ranges of friends going here there and everywhere together and it honestly boggles my mind. I have questioned autism for a few years too to be honest.

That’s a good question about the kids. They don’t seem to be upset. We’re having a few behavioural issues with the older and I’ve questioned if they’re a result of being excluded but I think I’m just projecting my worries onto him!

I know my youngest would definitely like to do more, he’s such a sociable kid but because they’re in wraparound care and he does clubs there’s not much time to fit it in anyway. It doesn’t stop me feeling guilty for not doing it!

They both get so excited when we do actually do something with others though which is why I feel I have to keep trying to arrange things but I just dislike it all so much. I want to want to do these things.

I don't bother with people much either but planning to join a local choir from March.

I'm autistic and I'm exactly like this but I don't really care about socialising because it drains me.

@MyopicBunny this is the bit I’m struggling with though. I really feel like I have to. Because having friends is the social norm, doing stuff with others is what other people do and so the kids know how to do these things even if I can’t?

The way I see it, it's not our fault that society is set up for NT people. It is not only ok to do things our own way, it is necessary to avoid burn out.

Life has been easier for me since I accepted that :)

I think it's totally normal. It wouldn't make me think instant 'autism' for a moment.

I don't have any particular problem making friends, I'm sociably acceptable, friendly and chatty but I'm not sure I am that fussed about any of them really. I'm active and like to be doing things all the time and I like socialising so I need 'friends'. I am a good friend and I'm helpful and nice to people so I don't think I'm being unfair.

I look at it as parallel play.

If you think everyone else who looks like they are having a great time with loads of friends and family are completely comfortable with themselves then that's where you are going wrong.

I've come to the conclusion I just don't matter to anyone so I'm trying to find my own feet doing things on my own. I hate it but have no other options really.

You could be me 😂
I think part of life, is understanding we are all different. There's no right or wrong, yet we feel 'expected' to be a certain way.
I've (finally) reached a point in life where I'm happy just being who I am. Nothing to 'keep up with' . I have a couple of close friends I see or speak to occasionally, but I'm certainly not into socialising all that much or being part of a big click
Tbh, I'm quite happy on my own or doing my own thing!
I've never considered I have autism or ever wanted to label myself. I'm just me!
Maybe if you have children you will need to put yourself out there for their sakes occasionally- but it's OK not to fit in or be a social butterfly 🥰

You are obviously not unreasonable for feeling how you feel.

You have however identified that your children enjoy socialising so I would argue that at this particular time, when they need you to facilitate it for them, then yes you should be making an effort to organise social events with friends.

We all make sacrifices for our children and if this is something they want then perhaps you need to approach it as just another thing you do for them, until they can do it themselves.

By facilitating it for them now, you are giving them invaluable social skills that will carry them through adulthood.

It won't be forever and you don't have to like it. They will appreciate it even more in future when they realise you were doing it for them.