Anyone here use Fetlife? Need opinions about friend’s comments

[Shania7788]

My friend, let’s call him Matt, is in a polyamorous relationship and uses the site Fetlife. I have never used this site and only heard about it through him so I want to know whether I’m overreacting at his comments which are really not sitting right with me at all. Sorry if this is long!

Basically he’s said there’s a forum or whatever on the site where you can post messages and in the past he’s posted about looking for gig/activity buddies and other non sexual things. Recently he replied to a message from a woman who said she was coming to our city, her friend couldn’t meet up and would anyone like to meet up, ending the message with something like “sex not guaranteed”. You can see where this is going. They met up, it turned out she basically wanted a tour guide (which is what I would personally have assumed from that message). And when Matt asked how she felt about kissing and she said no, Matt got annoyed and basically just left. He said he felt like he was wasting his time being there with her and his last words to her explaining her expectations/forum post etc. were “I don’t really care” and he walked out of the pub.
In his conversation with me, his view was basically that she’d posted on Fetlife so what did she expect. I’m not in the fetish space but I thought communication and consent were really important (as they are in everyday life but with men, not always) so I was appalled at his viewpoint. I asked if he’d spoken to his partner about this (to give him a woman’s viewpoint) and he said yes, she thinks the same as him. In my opinion, maybe she never wanted sex at all, maybe she did but changed her mind, maybe she didn’t fancy him… these are all completely valid things, right? This view is so out of character for my friend, he’s very against toxic masculinity. But the thing that’s really confused me is that his partner agrees with him which I did not expect

This actually happened a couple of months ago but we haven’t spoken much and it’s been playing on my mind. I can just imagine the woman going home and telling her friends about this man who assumed she would have sex with him and became unhappy/walked out when she didn’t want to kiss him.

So… taking everything else out of the equation, is it a thing with Fetlife that posting or meeting up are basically always for definite sex? And you should expect that this is what men will think?
I am really considering ditching my friend over this so I just want to make sure I’m not overreacting or misunderstanding

Urgh. Doesn't sound like a very healthy approach to polyamory either if respect and consent aren't front and centre of either of their thinking. I completely agree with you - the FL woman was absolutely reasonable to say she didn't want anything more than company. Unfortunately there's a lot of misunderstanding about using FL. Too many people want to use it for hookups and have very pushy expectations. It is primarily a social networking site for like-minded folk to share views, pics, events and connect with friends.

But it sounds like once she met him, she only wanted a tour guide. If he had been different, maybe she would have wanted more.

Yes I think maybe it could have gone either way. But her forum message mentioned hanging out, going for a drink in a new city etc. which I think sounds pretty casual/platonic from the start

Your friend has told you exactly who he is. Listen to him.

I was on FL years ago. I deleted it after 5 weeks because of this sort of nonsense from entitled males. The deluge of unsolicited messages and dick pics was also awful. It's not a dating/hookup site per se, it's a site for mutual kinky interests, so he's wrong to assume anything. He needs to learn open communication discussing limits and boundaries (BDSM 101) and he could have avoided this misunderstanding. Too many men on there are clueless fuckboys (tops and bottoms) and misogynists desperate for a shag.

Most men on there just don't get why women don't really like it either.

Fetlife is not a dating site. It's very much a social forum where like-minded people can discuss related topics and organise social events. Its been many years since I was a regular user but there used to be a site-wide term that was used for these platonic social meets...maybe someone will come along to remind me.

I used to go to a regular monthly one where you met in a pub or a coffee shop and just hung out for a few hours with people. For me, it was a good way to have a social life during a difficult time. As years went on and I grew as a person, I drifted away from it.

Sounds to me like your friend doesn't understand the dynamic of the site and should make his way to Fabswingers, which sounds more his style.

@LeGinge are you thinking of munches? Doesn't sound like OP's friend was at a munch. I can't imagine his behaviour going down well at any of the ones I've been to. 🤣

Yes, a munch! Thanks, that was going to annoy me! 🙂

I agree that their meetup wasn't at that kind of event. I was hoping to demonstrate the strength of the social dynamic on the site as opposed to it being a cover story for hookups.

DH and I are on Fet, me very occasionally, DH sometimes hooks up with play partners from there.

I think Matt was being a twat (I'm a poet, me) - as people have said, it's all about consent. And the whole point with hooking up with people on Fet is that you can talk absolutely directly about what you want - so 'sex not guaranteed' means what it says. You don't have to talk euphemistically about what you want from want sex/play or whatever because no one's going to shame you for it - consent means speaking directly and both parties understanding that there isn't any implication or subtext I would say.

Yeah, not someone I'd be alone with.

Yes I was going to say maybe you’re thinking of a munch! I’ve been to a couple just to dip my toe in. And yes it was just people chatting in a pub, being friendly with no expectations

The weird thing about this situation is that my friend will go on about how crap men are, how crap they are on FL as his partner also uses it, and he has been in the kink/fetish space for a long time so is not new to it. Which is why I wanted to get other perspectives but sounds like he is just behaving like other entitled men on there ☹️

☹️☹️ Prior to the last few months we were pretty much best friends but then drifted apart a bit due to being busy. So it came out of the blue. Is this who he is deep down?? I feel like I’ve known someone else for the past four years

I have no idea about fetishes and polywoly whatever relationships but it reads to me that she wanted to meet someone to show her around and if there was a connection, great but if not then she wouldn't be up for having it off.

She obviously didn't fancy 'Matt' and he acted like a big baby and got the hump.

Maybe he should change his fetish to being an adult baby?

Like I said - he's telling you who he is. LISTEN.

I agree with that. I find it so annoying that so many sex pests go on there looking for a shag and blanket spamming women with rubbish when I am happily married and only wanted to be on there to get the details for the next workshop, Bizarre Bazaar or munch.

I might be missing something here, but surely he did respect her lack of consent? But there was a miscommunication? A bit like if I went to buy something from Facebook marketplace but then it wasn’t actually for sale, I’d be a bit annoyed I wasted my time but wouldn’t steal their item if they didn’t consent to sell.

To me it comes down to how annoyed he was to her face and did it amount to trying to pressure her. Being annoyed generally doesn’t seem out of order if the usual type of meeting is about sex/kissing etc.

I agree that Matt is a twat.

As if a random woman is obliged to sleep with him!

Especially a woman who never consented to sex with him in the first place.

You really find out how much a man respects a woman’s consent when she doesn’t give it or withdraws it.

Matt doesn’t respect a woman’s consent and and almost certainly doesn’t respect women.

Totally listen to him showing you he doesn't respect consent. Quite common to meet people through those platforms and lifestyle and not fancy the other people or be in the right frame of mind to do more. Consent is number 1 and he needs a lesson in it.

I think you maybe missed the part where he was annoyed that he didn't get anything in return for gifting her the privilege of his company.

There are two meanings for "respect consent". There's "not actually assaulting/raping someone afterwards" (very low bar) and "being gracious and respectful about the fact someone hasn't consented," and that definition includes not making them feel bad or denigrating them either in front of or behind their back afterwards. Fear of social repercussions is well-documented as a reason women say yes when they want to say no or can be coerced into doing things they didn't want to do.

I don't like the idea of using an analogy of "objects for sale" for women's consent. But let's go with it. I'd say a better analogy is he's the seller, after having a look at what was on offer she didn't want to take him up on it so he had a strop.
Totally unreasonable of him. I'd be seeing him in a different light too (and have dropped friends over this sort of thing myself)

Yes I think seeing respect as not stealing the marketplace item is a very low bar. I found it quite callous that he didn’t want to spend any more time hanging out with her if they weren’t going to have sex and it sounded like he felt like he’d been tricked. I see it as it was made clear the item wasn’t definitely for sale and even if you’re annoyed that you’ve misunderstood, you can still be polite/gracious instead of telling someone you don’t care about how they view the situation

Like most forums, fetlife is what you make of it. You do get those who think it’s just for sex but there’s so many others who are looking for friend or advice and like minded people. The problem is, people often put up posts asking for anyone to meet them and many of them are looking for sex. Some like to tease and say they’re not when they are. It also depends on the way the poster phrases it. That’s not to say it was her fault, but it is a kink/ sex forum, and you have to expect that some users will be looking for sex and ‘reading between the lines’.