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Original poster

What's your opinion on the best age gap between children

56 replies

EspressoMartiniBish · 17/01/2024 21:48

Don't particularly want a child now but my daughter is already 2 and don't really want a big age gap! Having a dilemma

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 19/01/2024 06:45

I had two under two (21mth gap) worked out well for us. Although 3 yr gap would have been easier. But you never know how long it wil take to become pregnant. I fell the first month with DS1, lots of couples we knew said it took longer with DC2, so we started trying, fell the first month, didn’t know I was pregnant at DS1 first birthday party. Good luck.

bessytedsy · 19/01/2024 06:45

I think 2.5-3 is the best personally. Close enough to be interested in similar activities but not drive you mad! I didn’t want one doing gcses & a levels at the same time.

SilverGlitterBaubles · 19/01/2024 06:47

Financially about 3 years is good if you can avoid having 2 at nursery or university at the same time.

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Families
Neurodiversitydoctor · 19/01/2024 06:48

bessytedsy · 19/01/2024 06:45

I think 2.5-3 is the best personally. Close enough to be interested in similar activities but not drive you mad! I didn’t want one doing gcses & a levels at the same time.

This is the gap between mine, me and Dsis and DNs. It is v. practical and a good compromise.

booni13 · 19/01/2024 06:49

There was 2.5 year age gap between my 2. It was bloody hard but now they're 3 & 6, I am beyond glad that I had them fairly close together.

It's finally getting easier and I couldn't bear to go through it all again.

Personally, I'd say the closer the better but I can imagine there's massive perks to having a bigger gap. The older sibling would (hopefully) want to help and play with the baby. It would als be good knowing you get to drop one off at school in the morning rather than having 2 little ones at home together. I had my 2nd at the beginning of Covid, so I had both girls at home together for months. Nearly killed me!!

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 19/01/2024 06:50

There is a 6.5 year age gap between DD1 and DD2. There will be a 10 year and 3.5 year age gap between them and DS when he is born in a couple of months.

6.5 years was good in lots of ways because DD1 was a lot more self-sufficient. She and DD2 get on well most of the time (like any siblings) and we have just moved them into a room together. I’ll let you know how a 3.5 and 10 year gap goes. 😂

MrsNandortheRelentless · 19/01/2024 06:53

I would have loved about 5 years, same reason the pp said, one set of nursery fees, 5 year old being more self sufficient and in a routine.

Unfortunately due to secondary infertility and lots of other reasons, it ended up being 10 years. Sometimes you have no control over these things.

MeinKraft · 19/01/2024 06:54

4 years for my two. It's a nice gap in that the older one is old enough not to be too silly and jealous and can actually be quite helpful. But going back through the baby and toddler stage was hard.

Shamefullhouse · 19/01/2024 06:55

I have 2 boys 13 months apart . They love each other very much , they play together share the same seat on the sofa , share a room sometimes the bed. They always have each others back. They are 7&8

I also have 16 year old boy , 13 year old girl They hate each other . They were ok when younger

Vallmo47 · 19/01/2024 06:56

3 years 11 months between my two and it’s been great all along. I do agree with posters who say it comes down to personality. My eldest has always seemed younger than their age and my youngest has been the opposite so they’ve always got along well. In terms of childcare in younger years it was great that my eldest got a “break” from sibling through school, meant quality one on one time baby needed as well. There’s not really such a thing as a bad age gap - you will always find pros and cons in everything. If you want another child go for it!

GreatGateauxsby · 19/01/2024 06:56

My DH and I both have 5 years gaps with our siblings and neither of us liked it.

We weren't friends with them until we were all adults as the gap was so big... But not quite big enough iyswim...

As a result we subscribed to closer the better school of thought. Are we idiots? 😂 Come back in a decade to find out...

EffortlessDelegation · 19/01/2024 07:10

Mine are almost exactly two years apart and its been great, it was a big financial hit in the early days but it meant career disruption was over quickly and I got a second maternity leave when the eldest was only 2 so lots more quality time with him before he started school. It also meant they were in the same stages of education as each other for more of the time which meant less juggling, shared interests and fairly close abilities in many things etc. The childcare years were over more quickly than with a bigger gap. We did and still do lots of one on one stuff with them at weekends and in the holidays, it's definitely not all boring family days out just because they are close in age.

People said you wait till the year they are doing GCSEs and A levels at the same time but actually that was fine as they were both working hard at the same times. Even uni hasn't turned out to be an overlap as the eldest went at 18 and the youngest is taking a gap year.

ShiftySquirrel · 19/01/2024 07:20

My DC are just under a year and a half apart. It was brilliant but busy! Teens now. They fight and get along equally.

Me and DBro are 3.5 years apart. We fought as children as my two do and also played together.
We get along very well as adults.

My mum thinks she had the easier age gap, but I think the same!

You adapt to what you've got really and there's advantages and disadvantages to both.

bluebird3 · 19/01/2024 07:40

I have a 3 year gap between my two and I like it. The older one was able to help a bit with the baby - fetching nappies and things. And will alert me if the now toddler is doing something dangerous - mum she's climbing the TV stand....etc. Now the youngest is 2 they play together a lot which is nice. A 4 year gap would have been nice to have mat leave with the oldest in school but I don't think they would play together as much if the gap starts getting that wide.

Original poster
EspressoMartiniBish · 19/01/2024 07:47

Okay thank you everybody for your replies. It seems like 3 years is the most common answer which I'm inclined to agree with.
The thought of the baby stage scares me as my daughter has slept through since very very young so I've been extremely lucky - not sure that'll happen twice Grin
Some big decisions to make.
I don't particularly want dd to be an only child if I can help it (I'm sure it's fine for some people but dp was an only and really wishes he wasn't) so it's sort of like now or never for us.

OP posts:
hopsalong · 19/01/2024 07:57

I hated being pregnant, couldn't bear the thought of doing it all again until DC1 was nearly 18 months, and then thought it would be better to get it over and done with than be quietly dreading it and putting it off while also being certain that I didn't want to have an only child (I am one). The fact that I am old concentrated the mind, too. If I'd been younger I would probably have left it longer.

Have a 2 year 3 month gap. Personally think slightly longer might have been good at times, though I appreciate them being two school years apart. If you can manage three 1/2 years, I would think that was more convenient than 4 or more, where they won't spend much time at the same school and will be too far apart in age to enjoy the same kinds of activities. You could take a 3 year old and a 6 or 7 year old to soft play or the park, or let them splash around in the paddling pool in the garden, or sit and watch a TV programme. A five year age gap starts to be too much to do any of that and it's more like having two only children. Five years apart in school terms also means that the older child will be almost leaving primary when the younger arrives, starting sixth form as the younger one starts secondary, etc.

Fernsfernsferns · 19/01/2024 08:05

hopsalong · 19/01/2024 07:57

I hated being pregnant, couldn't bear the thought of doing it all again until DC1 was nearly 18 months, and then thought it would be better to get it over and done with than be quietly dreading it and putting it off while also being certain that I didn't want to have an only child (I am one). The fact that I am old concentrated the mind, too. If I'd been younger I would probably have left it longer.

Have a 2 year 3 month gap. Personally think slightly longer might have been good at times, though I appreciate them being two school years apart. If you can manage three 1/2 years, I would think that was more convenient than 4 or more, where they won't spend much time at the same school and will be too far apart in age to enjoy the same kinds of activities. You could take a 3 year old and a 6 or 7 year old to soft play or the park, or let them splash around in the paddling pool in the garden, or sit and watch a TV programme. A five year age gap starts to be too much to do any of that and it's more like having two only children. Five years apart in school terms also means that the older child will be almost leaving primary when the younger arrives, starting sixth form as the younger one starts secondary, etc.

You’re wrong though.

we have a five year age gap and have spent a lot of time going to soft play with them both and to the park.

i posted up thread about why I love it as an age gap. Now at 5 & 10 the five year old helps the younger one stay young and gives a route to stuff like imaginary play that the older one with do with the younger one but actually still enjoys.

the 10 year old means the younger one is exposed to a wider range of things than they otherwise would be.

at some activities it’s about one of them getting into it and us supporting the other. Eg the older one likes to bring a book along and may sit and read on a bench while we play in the sand pit (though often also joins in). But that works as it’s the start of independence for DC1, making their own choices.

we might go to an exhibition this weekend my older one will like. We’re going with friends so DC1 can linger with them while I play with DC2 if their bored (though they may also love it)

it helps us see them as individuals rather than ‘the kids’

Roselilly36 · 19/01/2024 08:08

@EspressoMartiniBish if baby no2 is anything like our experience, expect a complete opposite of personality, DS2 was the reason there was never a DC3 for us 😂 but you get through it. If you know you want another baby, just go for it. Good luck.

yikesanotherbooboo · 19/01/2024 08:10

I liked a small gap .The DC played together and did most activities together. The big drawback is childcare when you go back to work.My income went on child care and we lived on DH's.For us us , after a few fits and starts, a daily nanny was the best fit and same cost as nursery.

hopsalong · 19/01/2024 08:18

@fernsfernsferns

Yes, I'm sure that it does very much depend on the individual child and I also know plenty of families where a larger age gap (inevitable with many siblings) seems to work well.

My son wouldn't enjoy sitting on a bench in the park reading while I played in the sandpit with his younger sibling. He would regard it as being dragged along to do something he didn't want to do. And I would rather have them both in the sandpit at the same time, and then at 10 be going for a bike ride or something. But everyone is different.

reddaise · 19/01/2024 08:20

3.5 gap here. It worked for us since DC1 got 30 free hours at nursery so we could afford to keep sending them when I was on SMP. Also DC1 was potty trained and just generally a bit easier, understood a bit better, (very slightly) less annoying 😂

Hols24 · 19/01/2024 08:31

I found it quiet and a bit lonely being in the house on my own with a baby. Having a small age gap (under 2 years) made maternity leave more enjoyable second time round as I had my toddler to chat to. It was hard work and busy though!

As for how well they'll get on together, I don't think the age is the deciding factor - more about personality and interests.

babythreeincoming · 19/01/2024 08:37

First two are 23 months apart and it will be 21 months between two and three. Personally really content with this ❤️

EffortlessDelegation · 19/01/2024 08:40

I think most people feel that their gap was a good one. As a two year gapper and having read everything posted here I am still convinced small
gaps are best. So whatever you do there will be some pros and cons but you just work with what you get.

TiaSeeya · 19/01/2024 08:43

3 years or more is good when you’re paying for uni!!!!!