coming to terms with not being able to have kids with DH

[sadsack78]

Just a heads up- this isn't a post about infertility or TTC if that is important info for you to have going in.

I am in my late twenties and am coming to terms with the fact that having biological kids with my DH is not likely to be an option I will have in this life.

My Dh became chronically, debilitatingly ill about 5 years ago with the same condition his DM has. His DF also has a number of chronic health conditions, and my sister-in-law is also pretty unwell.

It seems more than likely that the condition my DH suffers from is something has inherited from his mum, and if we had a child there is a good chance they would inherit health problems from my DH's side of the family. As my DH is more or less bedbound at this point, it feels selfish to even consider risking putting a child in that position.

I would love to know if anyone else out there has had to make a similar decision because of hereditary conditions, and if you did- how do you cope? I am really struggling to come to terms with it, even though I know it is the only choice we really have. I wasn't sure if I wanted children but the loss of the choice is so painful.

TIA to anyone who has advice, and a hug to you if you're in the same boat💐

Bloody hell- managed to write that post without including the severe mental health issues a number of my DH's family suffer from too, which is also a big factor in the decision!

I'm so sorry to hear about your DH's medical conditions.

I was wondering if a GP has confirmed that any potential child would definitely have the same illness as your DH and possibly your MIL or is this your feeling?

Obviously you may decide that either way having children would be too difficult with caring responsibilities right now.

I know quite a few childless people who still have lots of children in their life e.g. looking after nieces and nephews, childcare jobs, tutoring, supporting friends' kids, fostering etc. They really enjoy it.

What about a sperm donor?

As a child of someone who has chronic inherited conditions I wish my DM had been as sensible as you.

Go see your GP about genetic counselling. You may be eligible for genetic selection IVF, ie embryos screened for hereditary diseases.

Of course it doesn't stop the fact that your DH is unwell, or that he might not be the father you both would want for your children but it may be an option for you both.

I would explore using a sperm donor. You've only got one life, op.

I would speak to your GP and genetic counselling as not all Illness are passed down in my instance my dp family has a genetic mutation that a mother can pass on to both sex's but a father can only pass it onto a daughter so do your own research and get professional opinions if you need

Someone I know had Parkinson's running in their family, they were entitled to IVF on the NHS with genetic testing of the embryo to ensure no Parkinson's in the baby.

Appreciate that's only part of your dilemma but may help you know? 🙂

My parents had three- I'm the only one to escape it. And whilst it's awful for the others, selfishly I'm left a cater to dad, mum, sister and brother - and brothers son. I hate it. I do t want to be a carer. I'm not a natural nor a willing carer.

To me you seem like a very responsible parent. A parent I wish I'd had to chose never to parent me.

I’m sorry to hear about your DH’s illness.

You have options: genetic testing on the embryo or a sperm donor. Worth considering.