My awkwardness in work meeting is crippling me

[ikea00]

I don't know if awkward or anxiety is the right word, really I think it's both.

I have a weekly in person team meeting, about 10 of us in the team. It usually goes on for 3+ hours, everyone shares their updates and brainstorms for new ideas. There are loads of big personalities in the team, including my boss who is very animated and loud.

I am not loud or extroverted, I'm quieter and definitely an introvert. But I enjoy chatting while we are sitting at our desks and can easily join in conversations, I can make small talk in the kitchen or while we are walking to the big meeting room. But as soon as I step inside this meeting room it's like I freeze up.

When it's my turn to give my updates my voice sounds so nervous, I sound really wooden and stiff and I am really awkward when people are talking to me. Say if my boss suddenly turns to me and says, 'Ikea, this could go with the thing you are working on' all I can say is 'yep, ok' etc. Whereas others will then say 'ok I can also look at this or that blah blah...'. and it flows into another conversation. But I physically can't! I'm so stiff and rigid, I can't make natural flowy conversation.

I am very obviously the quietest one in the meeting. Some weeks are better than others and I do make contributions, for example if we are looking at someone's work I will chip in and say 'oh maybe you could add this to it?' but it's minimal compared to others and more of a line here or there, rather than starting a new convo.

I am also now conscious that my face looks really stiff and not relaxed! In our meeting this week someone misconstrued something I was saying, so I said 'oh no I didn't mean that, I meant you could use the first one instead' but I could feel that my face looked rigid and serious!

This is not new to me, I am late 30s and have had these issues throughout my entire career. I have had feedback in old jobs to 'contribute more in meetings'. I am fine in 1-1 meetings and not half as bad in virtual meetings, but big meetings like this just cripple me. It's like my brain and body just can't cope.

I was a really shy and quiet kid, I'm much better now and have no real issues in any other part of life, it's just work. It's been the same in every single job I've had. I've been at this job 8 months, I once again hoped it would get better over time but it's getting worse.

Can anyone relate?

We have a DAILY meeting like this!! I'm the same, quiet, bit awkward and spend most the time worrying about what I'm going to say and struggle to listen and participate.

I’m the same. In social situations I’m actually pretty confident, but in work situations I get incredibly anxious and awkward.

Remote working did wonders for my career, not even joking. I was so awful in these types of meetings face to face whereas on teams I sometimes get nervous but it's so much easier. It's shit op.

I’m glad to hear I’m not alone, it can feel so isolating like you are the only person who feels like this! This is the worst it has ever been for me, I leave that meeting every week feeling like a total shell and a complete failure at everything.

I can easily complain in a restaurant about an incorrect item but can’t tell my work colleagues my updates for the week without my voice shaking? Just does not make sense

How is feedback sort in these meetings? Is it just a free for all? I find I say little in meetings because sometimes I need a little longer to think about my response. Do you know what is going to be discussed in advance? Would a breathing exercise help you relax? Could you do more leading/ facilitating of the meeting?

Have you considered getting hypnotherapy for this? I think it would help a lot!

Yes! I can completely relate. I have no advice, in fact I'd welcome some of anyone has any.

I always feel so embarrassed afterwards and play what I said/how I said things over and over in my head. I dread meetings like this. I'd much rather just listen than have to contribute.

OP you're not alone!

There is no real feedback, we all just go round and tell our manager our updates. I prepare my list of updates before hand but I feel like I’m just reading off a script and it feels flat at the end.

I can also tell that my manager hasn’t gelled with me and I think probably thinks I’m a bit rubbish so that makes me feel worse too! We get on fine in our 1-1 but the difference between me and my colleagues is so stark in the team meeting and as my manager is really loud and extroverted too I just stick out for all the wrong reasons.

I would be interested to look at hypnotherapy or medication. Or anything really. I think I have finally realised that a new job won’t solve it as the problem is with me.

This is a very specific form of social anxiety and is really common. CBT could help you learn strategies to overcome this- the root of it is self- consciousness. If you can learn to regulate your attentional 'spotlight' away from yourself your anxiety/awkwardness should subside. Hugs OP- as others have said, it's really shit and annoying!

I'm exactly the same

I'm far better with one to one interactions

In meetings like you described I try to focus on one person, and only speak to them.

I totally freeze if everyone is looking at me and I have to bring other people in to the conversation

I even hate speaking with friends in groups - i prefer just one person

So refreshing to read your post as I've struggled with this my whole career. Totally fine in other situations but as soon as i'm in any organised group setting with turns to talk i absolutely cringe and panic. My voice always sounds nervous and sometimes my face goes red or I visibly shake or my face goes all stiff. Its HORRIBLE. I found prescribed beta blockers improved the physical symptoms, enough to stop an actual silent panic attack. Solidarity 💐💐

Could you try to think of them as old friends rather than your boss and work colleagues?
I think in meetings there are always a mix of louder and quieter personalities. The louder ones often contribute nothing more meaningful, just talk for sake of it.
My voice used to shake when l was younger, but then l was in a school meeting once and there were lots of signs created by pupils and on one it said "love your voice", and l worked on that and there's definately been a positive change, l no longer feel as nervous when speaking out loud in meetings, etc.

I really feel for you all, the culture is everyone is expected to contribute and being outgoing. I was like this for alot of my adult life and can see my poor daughter being the same.
For me the only thing that helped was getting older 😂.
I have heard lots of people recommend beta blockers and I know lots of online pharmacies do anxiety consults with prescriptions.
For what is worth introverted people are not lesser just different. I would say embrace it I know it is hard.
There is lots of info on being an introvert which really helped me and my dd to accept it and adress it

That's really interesting. I'm the boss in this scenario.

Have you spoken to your boss about this

Ask them what their expectations for participation in the meetings are. It might be they are pleased you say your bit and shut up rather than holding court for hours

Frame it less if I've always been this way sorry but more of I perceive it as an issue - do you?

If they would like you to be more vocal, get their steer on exactly what that means. Is it relating your update with more enthusiasm? Is it using the update to solicit feedback/bring up ways other people in the team can help/be involved? Is it pitching in with ideals.

Feedback of being more vocal in meetings is in itself not great feedback unless it is backed up with examples of what you actually need to do.

Perhaps ask your boss what good would look like in the meeting. What would make them think you performed well.

Are they a good boss? If they are they will be delighted that you are being proactive about this will want to help you feel more relaxed. This might be running through your update with them in advance so they can help to naturally bring you into the conversation.

Because it's tempting to think when we are bad at something naturally that being "good" at it means a complete overhaul- and that leads to a feeling of helplessness. Seems insurmountable.

Knowing with absolute clarity what good looks likes means that's it's likely to be one of two small tweaks you can make and practice. You'll have a game plan for the meeting - not just what you are going to say/do but how. Might make you feel more in control

You never know - sometimes in meetings I value the people that don't wang on for hours

CBT can help with this - as a pp said it would help you feel less self conscious. But make sure at first you know that you actually need to change.

And if you do it might be a few small things than I have to be the life and soul of the meeting to be good in it.

You might be surprised. I'm a very confident extrovert at work and I very very deliberately hire and value people who are the total opposite of me.

Because otherwise meetings would go on for days, we'd all have a great time and nothing would ever get done.

Success at work is not a correlation to how loudly you shout. Worth remembering that!

I am exactly the same, OP - chatty in informal settings, but anxious and stiff in meetings. I can't relax enough to think, so my mind goes blank.

I now WFH, which makes all the difference. I don't find online meetings as intimidating.

This TikTok account looks useful (randomly pooed up and I thought if you.

https://www.tiktok.com/@themarissamoyerr*?t=8j7dQ38eVmb&&_r=1

ask your doctor for propanol to combat stage fright / it works wonders for social anxiety

Yes, propranolol is very helpful in reducing anxiety.