Does anyone live with a DP/DH whose kitchen hygiene is vastly different to their own?

[SpikyCoconut]

Me and my DP are on the cusp of living together, and I am wondering about this because our hygiene standards are poles apart. I'd like to know if anyone else has had a situation like this with someone they live with?

I'm on the more lax side hygiene wise. I don't think I am unhygienic, but maybe I am? I'm not the sort to be fussy or bothered. If I dropped a cracker on a clean floor I'd probably still eat it. If something's past its best before date but it still smells okay, I'll use it. I wash up periodically, I live alone, so it is rarely more than one plate/cup/set of cutlery-I don't always do it straight away. I've nowhere I could put a dishwasher. I batch cook quite often or cook more than I'll need and freeze the rest.

DP on the other hand is METICULOUS about hygiene. If a loaf of bread has been left out for more than a couple of days, DP will not eat it. Won't eat anything that has been frozen from leftovers or say, if I made a lasagna and froze one portion, DP won't eat it. Has to be fresh or else. Wouldn't dream of eating anything that was one day past 'Best Before' even if it is perfectly fine. Has to thoroughly clean a kitchen before baking or cooking, even if it wasn't dirty in the first place. I left some hummus on the table overnight once by mistake, and still ate it the following day-this is horrifying apparently! Said that the way I am about hygiene and cooking 'Messes with my head!'

Doesn't like me cooking, although does accept that I am quite a good cook, because of not trusting my hygiene, how long I may have had ingredients etc. I bake a lot-and DP would only eat my baking if has actually watched me do it that day, because I will save marzipan once I've rolled it last time I baked, or I'll use home-made apple cider vinegar, or ingredients I've had a while.

But why? What's wrong with tap water from the hot tap!?

My DP and I are with your DP I'm afraid. He won't cook in an uncleaned kitchen, which I will, but I can't eat anything that been left out or could possibly make me ill as I have a very sensitive stomach. No way in hell would I eat hummus that's been out overnight.
If you can't live like that, you can't, but I don't think either of us is abnormal. We just don't like having the shits!

Presumably for the same reason you shouldn't drink it; if you have a water tank it will contain sediment, and even if you don't it dissolves whatever is lurking in your pipes due to the heat. Boiled kettle all the way.

@Froggywentawalking234 I am more than willing to compromise (I won't try to make DP eat anything that's 'forbidden' for example) and I won't use any ingredients that aren't approved of however I don't think DP would ever compromise the other way.

@Catsandcuddles I am definitely like your DH. I think my DP would be happy to do the cooking if we're eating together too.
I am not sure DP has health anxiety. Never mentions anything about being afraid of getting ill or anything, just says 'cant cope' with things. Won't discuss it either. No health issues with stomach or anything like that, will happily chug down 5 cans of crap beer (fosters or the like) and is the designated poo picker-upper (we have four large dogs between us and I hate doing it)!

His approach is well beyond hygienic and very much into anxiety.

I have lived with both. One who was super fussy and one that is severely lax. So I end up doing it and moaning.

However the one that was meticulous was more annoying. I felt jumpy and on egg shells. I prefer Mr lazy and doing it my way. Which is more normal I feel.

It still sounds like anxiety. It took me 6 years to open up to anyone about my problem as I was too embarrassed about it, I knew it was irrational but I couldn't stop the worrying. Just because he hasn't mentioned anything doesn't mean he doesn't have it.

I'm not a clean freak , I don't have any stomach issues , I have no problem cleaning the cat litter tray or cleaning up sick. My problem was purely related to food anxiety and food hygiene and safety, I was terrified of getting food poisoning after a course that I did around food hygiene standards.

Your partners behaviours are extreme and it sounds like he could really benefit from CBT. Difficult though if he won't acknowledge it.

Most DEFINITELY won't acknowledge it @Catsandcuddles I've given up with the suggestions (I am a mental health professional myself, I teach counselling students). Won't really talk to me either but more importantly, doesn't really want to change anything. Dp's way is the way things should be done and that's that. I am supportive, I used to make jokes -e.g. I once was 'told off' for leaving some (dry) rice out overnight without a lid because a 'fly might have landed on it'. I said 'Let's just ignore the fact that it gets boiled within an inch of its life before anyone eats it then shall we' DP wanted me to throw it away and I wouldn't, but I don't know that there's anything can be done about it. Well done you for getting the help you needed! My DP just won't and that's that. There are other issues with anxiety, some much more serious and life-affecting than this but therapy is a no-too scared to speak to anyone.

@Newtoniannechanics I feel like that sometimes. Like I haev a constant critic or I am constantly being watched and criticised. I have actually got upset at least once with it. I don't practice dangerous food hygeine, I don't eat meat but I'm extra careful while cooking it, I'd not let the dog lick a plate and then eat off it etc etc-I am quite sensible I think, I am just much more relaxed with things than DP is. I don't think this warrants DP being snippy or watching me like a hawk all the time-and I love cooking and do wish DP would eat something I'd made. That upsets me a little as it is just something I like to do for people.

FWIW, some things DP cooks, I don't like (boiling veg for a roast dinner to the point It's soggy and without texture for example) but I'd never say anything, I think that'd be rude.

understandable if you have stomach issues @PangramAddict .

I think the tendency is to relax more as you age but I agree with others that your dp’s issues are beyond reasonable. They are fear-based because many of them are not rational eg it’s much safer to freeze leftovers as long as it is done promptly and they are reheated thoroughly. And if he is cleaning an already clean kitchen he could actually cause himself gut issues with over-cleaning and not building up resistance.

Maybe this won’t matter as much if you don’t plan to have dc but he definitely requires mh support. Especially if he is in denial or lacking self awareness.

But I think it’s a problem in your relationship because his fear is naturally being interpreted by you as lack of trust, which is hurtful. And it comes across as controlling. And if those two things start spilling in to other areas of your life then you are in trouble.

I couldn't cope with your DP. Just too stressy and wasteful..

I'm like you. I clean all worktops and chopping boards thoroughly every day, but I batch cook and freeze leftovers all the time. That's the whole point of having a freezer.

I'll happily use creme fraiche up to a week past it's sell by date - it tastes fine, no ill effects.

I find wasting things distasteful in a world where so many go hungry, so if there are some slightly limp looking veg in the chiller drawer, I'll make veggie soup, rather than bin them. I think that's normal.

I know how you feel OP. I had a previous dp who was an appalling snob when it came to food. He refused to eat anything that didn't come from Waitrose, the farm shop or the butcher. I shop in Tesco. 😁

I would cook, he would check any veg or meat wrappers in the bin and if they were Tesco branded, he would chase the food around his plate and then say he wasn't hungry. If I hid the wrappers in my car, and said I'd been to the farm shop (and collected them in my wicker basket on the front of my bike while wearing a gingham dress) he'd tuck in quite happily. Same ingredients, same recipe.

It was just too much of a faff.

@Froggywentawalking234 yes, I mean DP acknowledges that they're not rational! Like the example I gave when I left a container of rice out without a lid and DP wanted it binning! I said boiling the rice will get rid of any bacteria anyway and DP did understand that but still that same 'It messes with my head' statement.

Also, frozen supermarket food is fine for some reason! Will eat a frozen ready meal or frozen chips/meat products, that's fine! But freezing things made in your OWN kitchen is somehow different.

Potty.

(IMO).

Yes, it can be quite hurtful in all honesty. Like I am out to poison someone or something because I am not as scrupulously hygienic.

I feel exactly the same as you do about waste, @Meadowfinch . I think It's so disrespectful and just not a nice thing to do at all. I do the same with limp veggies-OR this is a great recipe for using up old greens! https://cookieandkate.com/west-african-peanut-soup/

I get very annoyed with myself if I end up throwing food out, and it is very rare! But I so seldom truly waste anything really. Compost heap, dog! If I have potatoes going off I make them into wedges and freeze them DP wouldn't touch those of course

Is he this fussy and overly fastidious in bed as well? .

I mean yeah, he'd end up under my patio personally but you would probably have to accept his "little ways" and live with them if you lived together. Only you can say if his good characteristics outweigh this irritation.

He wouldn't like me OP. I've just eaten a sandwich that was 3 days past it's use by date.

Haha no! (Warning, gross)!

We had sex only the second time we met, I was on my period and DP was down there doing oral for a long time! So quite happy to risk catching some ghastly disease (obviously I didn't have anything so it was fine) but not happy to eat some toast from some bread that isn't 'today fresh'.

I'd quite happily have eaten that sandwich too!

Our home is over 150 years old...

It won’t work. He won’t live with your standards.

Honestly, I'd think very carefully about this relationship if he's not willing to put any effort into sorting out his excessive anxiety over this.

@whatisforteamum sorry missed this 'wo der OP when you say you are more lax do you have bad habits. My lovely df cooked loads when we were visiting yet he would prep raw meat and rub his hands on the tea towel'

I'd never do that! I think because I don't eat meat I am extra careful when handling it because I am not used to it-so I have to really think about what I'm doing. I'm so careful with it, constant hand washing etc.

Trying to think if I do have any really bad habits with food? I really don't think so.

One thing I DID do that I know most people wouldn't have😂
I defrosted my freezer and put the ice in the raised bed to water the plants.

The following day, I went out in the morning and when I came home I noticed that when the ice had melted, it revealed that a piece of 'plant based fish' was inside it!

I took it inside and had it for lunch.

In my defence 1) It was plant based so little chance of anything being wrong that could poison me 2)it was in a sealed bag, and I'd have probably defrosted it overnight anyway, it was a cold day so not much difference 3) I'd have never have fed it to DP, or anyone else! 😂

I couldn't live with a partner who picked faults with my domestic hygiene. It would be an absolute dealbreaker. Imagine a lifetime of someone always hovering over you checking that you're doing things to their needlessly pernickety standards.

@KohlaParasaurus I don't see it as too much of a big deal. One thing I have noticed though is there's definitely an underpinning of 'I'm right you're wrong' which can be grating. Two people can like or dislike something but it doesn't mean either of them are wrong? And that DP acknowledges that I am good at cooking and baking but will seldom eat anything I make.

Cooking is one of my main interests, I love making new things, experimenting with new ingredients and having someone to cook for is one of my simple pleasures in life, so I do feel that bit of 'joy' has been taken from me here. It can be quite upsetting at times. But I don't see it as a deal breaker-maybe I do need to clean my act up a bit? But my Mum was exactly the same when I was growing up. Waste not want not, BB date guides are just that, a guide. Leftovers are there to be utilised, etc etc.

And as I said above, for some reason, (and I didn't grow up impoverished so it isn't that) I ABHOR food waste. I just see it as disrespectful to the work that's gone into it, disrespectful to those who have nothing, and unnecessary. I think we all waste some things, sometimes of course, sometimes it is unavoidable but I really get annoyed with myself if I do it. DP on the other hand, 'That's two days old, chuck it in't bin'. 'Don't like that, bin'. 'Can't eat anymore of this I'm full, bin'.

I don't understand it at all!

@SpikyCoconut

you're not disgusting! There are a few things I'd want to work out about you (kitchen wise) before zi agreed together (dish cloth/t towel use/dishes method etc))

Im pretty bloody fussy in the kitchen, but I can't be too unbearable as my (now adult) god daughter chooses to come & live with me (between travels). But I know other people roll their eyes at me. I'm all about the hygiene, but more like you about the actual food.

But he's fucking rude & I think if you live together he'll make you miserable. He's very rude, he's inflexible, & he'll suck the joy out of you cooking & baking.

Sad though it might be, I think you'll become less 'you' , less confident & very very fed up.

Don't do it, sounds more like OCD. I was married to someone for 30 years who wouldn't acknowledge that he had a problem so wouldn't get help, was only after we separated that I realised how I complied with his 'rules' without realising it. I froze if he came into the kitchen when I was cooking or putting food out as I knew I would be doing something wrong in his eyes. I still don't like people watching me prepare food and its 15 years since! I hasten to say I'm hygienic and have never given anybody food poisoning. I also wash my hands too much as do my sons. I'm afraid it rubs off on you without you realising😔

Erm... let's just say there's no way I could live with you. I am ASD.

I can't eat other people's cooking. I'm very iffy about food health & hygiene (because I've studied it) and I have food phobias.

Things that have been open and left out a while, things that have been on the floor... no freaking way!

At the same time, I'm not the cleanest and tidiest person. By which I mean I can let my washing up pile up and the kitchen worktop get all crowded -but- everything I'm using is clean from the cupboard and when I wash up, it's immaculately done like two or three rinses. I also could never have a dishwasher as I don't like how they smell and how sometimes bits of the food isn't washed off.

So you see... you may not wish to live with me either!