Can someone who is abusive ever redeem themselves?

[Helpmesellmysoul]

I think a question I keep coming back to when reading so many threads of awful behaviour people experience in their lives. People with abusive partners, parents who abused their kids, family members whose behaviour drive their loved ones to staying away.

Is there a way for the people who cause all this hurt to turn it around and go some way to fixing themselves and their wrongs? I find it discomforting that there are so many people out in the world who can cause so much harm.

I definitely understand the focus should always be on the victims and getting them help and support ASAP but what is the solution for people who abuse? Or is it a depressing case that large numbers of people do these horrible things and never gain the self awareness to try and change? I'm sorry if this is very naive, I guess it is, but I suppose I can't square that so many people can cause harm and never have a come to Jesus moment. Mom

Il be honest. No. Without accountability, vigorous therapy and rehabilitation and an admission of guilt there is no way of a person who is a abusive physically and emotionally will change.

It’s their genetic make up, maybe caused by childhood trauma but that doesn’t matter. Even if they do the work, it’s very rare they will change their attitude, behaviours or mindset and it may take the majority of their lives to do so. I’m sorry to say it but there’s no future with this person.

Boundaries have been broken and because they have not been held accountable it will get progressively worse.

You need to love yourself, heal and move on before it’s too late.

They don’t love you. Love is not meant to hurt.

No.

I believe there can be growth made but they have to want to. They have to commit every day to being different. They have to re train all their behaviours that they automatically default to. Their natural state. That takes a lot of commitment and work.

I mostly see women more successful at this than I do men. On the whole I see women far more horrified that they have been potentially hurting their loved ones. For a lot of men it's just too much hardwork especially when society already gives them a free pass to behave poorly. There is less incentive for them to truly change. There is so much more acceptance for men to be less nurturing and caring towards others. I hear lots of men say I dont want to behave this way but won't put in the hard work to change they'd rather do the easier option and isolate themselves or start over with a 'new' family for the cycle to just happen again.

These are the ones that make it to therapy. The others aren't even aware it's them that's the issue it's all the world's/other peoples fault never theirs.

Ultimately no its not common for these people to change. Not impossible but rarely do I see 'enough' change to sustain a relationship in a healthy way. Often so many boundaries have to put in place and an acceptance that the relationship will only ever operate to a certain level. That isn't satisfactory to most people.

Women particularly would rather be alone (who can blame them) than always manage a potential threat in their lives. The exhaustion of it becomes the relationship ender.

Reminds me of the latest trend scenario of would you rather a bear or a man(abusive person) in the forest with you. A bear is simple in comparison. I do hope that's giving men a wake up call.