Twins and School Rewards

[thursdaygrumbles]

I have nearly 5 year old twins in Reception

Twin 1 - Good at pretty much everything. Loves the rules and regulations of school 😂 Reading & Handwriting is excellent

Twin 2 - Larger than life, great personality, fun, very creative but struggles with attention, reading & writing nowhere near as good as her sisters, and she definitely doesn't like rules as much. But she's bright as a button and generally I have no concerns.

But here's the thing. Twin 2 keeps getting lots of rewards from school. In the last 2 weeks she's got 4 rewards - these are significant and apparently hard to come by. She brought a reward home yesterday for her reading at home. Twin 1 was a bit upset as she said she'd also read at home so why didn't she get a reward.

I have a suspicion that they're rewarding Twin 2 to keep her motivated and to keep her attention. Which I get, but it's pretty hard on Twin 1 who does all the work, concentrates, always does what she is asked but rarely gets rewarded.

I will of course bring it up with the teachers at parents evening, but has anyone else experienced this with their children or more specifically twins?

This is a general issue with schools - naughtier children get rewarded just for doing what they're supposed to, whilst better-behaved quiet ones get taken for granted and overlooked. We quite often have threads from parents of "good" DC who never get star of the week etc - but I guess with twins you feel it more!

Does your DCs' school have more than one class per year? If so, consider asking for them to be in separate classes from the start of Y1 onwards - I have twin DNs who have always been in separate school classes at their parents' request and although they seek each other out at breaktime (they are identical and are very close, pretty much inseparable at home!) they have really thrived through having a chance to be seen as individuals and to form separate friendships etc. It does also help with the comparison issue.

Happens all the time in schools. I think because certain kids are naturally clever or enjoy reading then it's not exactly a chore for them. They are just doing it. But to those kids that really struggle and have to try harder and out more effort in they deserve recognition. Not nice when your kids fall into either camp though.

Oh that must be so hard on twin 1. At my school, with regards to reading, each and every child got a reward for 25/50/100 reads etc and even though that's a fairer system than what it sounds from your school, I used to feel so sorry for the poor kids who's parents didn't bother or have time or whatever. We were allowed to listen to them read at appropriate times in the day and include that in their reading log.
We also had star of the week but in the whole, it was a mix of 'good' children v 'more challenging' children.
I would definitely speak to the school and I would also ask them to be in separate classes if possible in yr 1.

It's always happened unfortunately. I used to think that the teachers didn't like me because I was never asked to answer a question, no matter how many times I put my hand up. My mom asked about it at my parent's evening and was told that it was because they knew I would know the answer, so there was no point in calling on me.
If you do the things you are supposed to do, it's taken for granted that you will carry on doing them!

My twins were in different classes for the whole of their school career (now at Uni). One was much more academically able (especially in the early years, they’re summer birthdays) and I think this worked well as they weren’t directly compared by teachers.

Separate classes are not recommended at infant school for twins, especially not identical twins.

This is a common occurrence with reward systems.
It’s a matter of time before the kids work out that if you want lots of rewards then alternating good and bad behaviour is the answer- especially if the good behaviour is around the time that the teacher chooses star of the week.

Why? And not recommended by whom?

So do you want them both to get a reward or none? Twin who isn't getting it feels the same as every other child who never got it.

Could you do some kind of reward chart at home so they both get rewarded and at the end of the week they get to pick a 'treat' (go to mcdonalds, watch a favourite film etc)

My eldest DD was never rewarded in school. She never got told off, always did her work/homework and always did well. One year in secondary school, she didn’t get enough ‘positive points’ to go on the annual trip to Alton Towers, whilst the well-known disruptive kids had no problem getting the points! I spoke to her form tutor who immediately made up the extra points she needed.

It’s wrong and not fair on the ‘always’ child.

I had this with my twins.

DD1 is quiet, studious and a proper rule follower.
DD2 is loud, easily distracted and easily bored. She was also, to be frank, a cheeky pain in the backside a lot of the time.

DD1 found it very difficult when DD2 got rewards for being good for a week when she never got a reward for being good all the time. We had a baffled teacher calling us just before Easter to say that DD1 had been utterly cheeky all morning and then in floods of tears as she didn’t like being naughty. That was when we all realised, and the teacher was mortified she hadn’t clicked.

They went into separate classes in Y2 and it was absolutely the best thing for them. They were too different to deal with the direct comparison when they were so young.

They currently house share while at two separate unis in the same city doing very similar courses, but they still don’t want to be in the same classes.

Thank you everyone

I understand it’s a fine line to walk, with encouragement & reward. I will monitor it and speak to the teachers if it continues

@DragonFly98 Really interested where you’ve read that as advice was very mixed and very much personality dependent when I researched for my twins. They thrived at primary apart and now, at secondary they have most lessons apart but are in the same tutor group (at their request). At nursery they mostly played separately or in a group rather than being glued to each other. They are identical, independent individuals bursting with confidence and uniqueness.

I’d be really surprised if the advice has changed and know our choice was the right one for our girls.

Wow they seem very similar to my twins. They are in a primary that has a 2 class year intake so it might be worth considering for Y1/Y2

An example I thought earlier, when they’re queuing up at pick up time, Twin 1 is always at the front. Twin 2 is always always last 🙄 if Twin 2 “jumps” the queue Twin 1 gets upset & tells her it’s not allowed to jump in 😂

They do sound quite similar.

DD1 used to get really annoyed if DD2 broke rules like skipping a queue or not helping tidy because it wasn’t ‘fair’. Whereas DD2 thought DD1 was mad for following all the boring rules because sometimes you don’t get caught.

They’re more similar now, and DD2 now has a health condition that has forced her to be more sensible, but you still occasionally hear DD1 sigh and say “you can’t do that…” or hear DD2 say “come on, live a little!” 😁

When we moved them into separate classes we were lucky that the school wasn’t full, so there was scope to switch them to the same class if it had been a disaster.

Also the school mixed classes at Y2 so it didn’t feel like one of them was being moved away from their friends, which made it easier. I still would have split them, it would just have taken a lot of thought of who to move.

It sounds like Twin 1 finds a lot of things easy which don't come naturally to Twin 2. She is in her comfort zone. So Twin 2 is being rewarded because she has to work twice as hard to reach the same behavioural standards as Twin 1. They don't come naturally to her in the same way.

To be a little controversial, why should Twin 1 necessarily be rewarded for doing things that she finds easy anyway? Shouldn't the teachers (and you) be encouraging her to do those things which push her out of her comfort zone a bit? So speak up a bit more, push herself forward a bit more in class discussions, really throw herself into something she usually wouldn't like.

Twin 1 also sounds a little bit more dependent on external validation than Twin 2 (though tbf I don't know many 5yos who don't love a "well done" sticker from the teacher). She's very young but it might be worth reinforcing where you can the message that she's wonderful and this doesn't depend on other people telling her so.

My daughter sounds like twin 1,
she came home yesterday and told me that the children who are late every day or don’t turn up will be rewarded with special treat for cookies in the staff room or getting to be first in the lunch line 😂
kids who already do it nada!

I’ll be rewarding my own child for good behaviour!

@Goldbar the quiet compliant children are often working very hard too, its just it isn't noticed. They often need the confidence boost too.

Mine are different ages, not twins... but we we not through a stage of confident DD2 getting every reward under the sun and quiet, struggling DD1 getting nothing. DD1s confidence was in absolute ruins. Fortunately we then moved schools after a house move... and a completely different reward system meant it evened out andDD1 really flourished.