Cold towards my mum.

[Christmasgrinch234]

Growing up I was always told ‘I’m your mum not your friend’. if I ever complained I’d be told ‘you’ll thank me when you’re older/these mums who act like friends to their kids wonder why they go off the rails’. I’d describe my mum as over critical and unreasonable.

Mum often complains that I’m not close to her - didn’t want her during labour/wedding planning/adult birthdays etc. I can’t help but think ‘we’re not friends’.

I’m scared my newborn DD will grow up the same or I’ll go the other way to be too soft.

How do you get the right balance?

I’m not sure how.

But my Mum also said that to me and she was also hands down one of my favourite people. She came at it from the perspective that she didn’t feel she could be my Mum properly if she was distracted by trying to be my friend. However she was warm and kind and lovely, and if I manage to bring some of her energy to my relationship with my boys I’ll be very happy.

However, like much with parenting it can be hard to tell if you’re getting it right when you’re in the weeds.

You clearly care about striking a good balance. That says to me that you’re at least part of the way there

I always think about this when I see MNers smugly trotting out "I'm your mum, not your friend". It's rarely said in relation to toddlers or younger children; it's almost always used towards teenagers, just at the point at which parents need to be pulling back on the controls, adjusting to a more friendly-guidance role and beginning the long transition from authority-figure to friend.

Some people respond to their child's growing independence by doubling down on the control, "putting their foot down" over everything and trying to maintain the illusion that their children only exist because THEY decided to allow it. It's sad, and it does lead to poor adult relationships imo.

Sounds like your mum was just cold. You can be a mum rather than a friend and still be loving! I see the mum not your friend thing to mean that you may make hard decisions to protect your child rather than just give in to demands to keep your child on side.

I dislike this phrase. You'll be a mum for their adult life way longer than you are for their childhood. The relationship you build now will be the one you have later on.

I try to parent through guidance and talking about everything and going through best options. I also advise my children to use all the adults in their life for guidance and advice, not just mine.

My dm was never warm, she didn't even seem to like me very much. My db is the golden child but rarely visits. She reaps what she's sown because
I wouldn't pick her as a mum or a friend tbh.

My mum said this to me but she was still warm and loving. As I grew older and became an adult, our relationship evolved so now we are more like friends. Sounds like your mum has just always been cold towards you so you've not forged a strong bond. That's on her.

I have a mum like this, she was just generally not a warm loving person whilst I was growing up. She was overly strict didn't have a problem in lashing out when angry and generally didn't really seem to care much and thought so long as she did the practical stuff she was being a good mum. We are not close at all. My own kids are now both adults and we have good relationships, I'm not their friend I'm their mum but I've always been fair and reasonable, cuddled them when they got hurt and told them off when they needed it.

The way I see the "not your friend" line, it's more about not being the kind of mum who smokes wees with them and wants to look cool to them. I'm sure it describes all kinds of relationships.

This: ‘I’m your mum not your friend’ doesn't have to go alongside this: I’d describe my mum as over critical and unreasonable

You are their mum not their friend - this means you care about them more than a friend, you are still there after they have had a meltdown, you are always rooting for them, you will always be there when they need you.

It doesn't mean you have to be cold, not at all. You can be the warmest, kindest, loveliest parent - and still expect them to follow the house rules.