Self esteem and being massively fat

[fottfsofawygtfosm]

Truly, massively fat. I'm over 23 stone, size 28-30 and gaining.

I'm on a shedload of mental health meds - two antidepressants, beta blockers and regular benzodiazepines (for over a year - supervised by two consultants) - which probably explains the weight, but I hate myself for it.

I've almost definitely got sleep apnea, but I can't get an NHS assessment. I wake up coughing and with a pounding headache.

I'm permanently exhausted. Walking is hell, I'm gasping for breath, heart flutters and I'm holding onto walls. My stomach pulls on my back, and I get sore knees and hips overnight.

My periods stopped a few years ago too, I've now got a coil. I've got a diagnosis of PCOS.

My MH team said because I'm not yet diabetic, and my blood pressure is fine, they won't treat me on the NHS. I've also lost significant weight myself four times before, but always regain.

I'm primary carer to my younger sibling who has no parental support, has learning difficulties, epilepsy and autism so I have to be here for her.

I've been fat as long as I remember - I remember getting my hand smacked at age 7 at a party in front of lots of family and told I was fat enough. Family used to call me the 'elephant in the room' and joked about hiding food from me. Now as an adult I can't control it, I either starve myself or binge on rubbish.

I can't stomach three meals a day weirdly, but I can cram crap in. I eat mayo with everything - like four huge bottles a month.

I'm so fed up with this, I'm 33 this year and honestly if I carry on I'm scared I won't see 40 and I don't know what to do. When I try dieting I feel like I'm punishing myself and get upset. I KNOW all the mistakes I'm making, I just don't know how to stop.

Have you had or are you on the waiting list for any kind of talking therapy and can your sibling be assessed for residential care at all?

When you say treat on the NHS do you mean a gastric band?

I appreciate you are on meds which are affecting your weight but I think therapy would assist in breaking your eating patterns.

I do know one person who was very overweight and that stopped when her life circumstances changed, her abusive husband died so she stopped comfort eating.

A friend of a friend is like you describe

Shes having her stomach stapled next week

It's not about the food. But you already know that, don't you? Have you had any therapy for the depression? When did that start?

Oh love you sound like you have SO much on your plate emotionally that it's no wonder that the actual food on your plate feels like the last thing you can deal with.

I also really empathise with the "dieting = deprivation" thing. I read a brilliant book called Eating Less that helped me reframe it in my mind as choices and helped with suggestions of how to reframe my emotional relationship to food. Might be worth a read (it's an old book, the link above is to buy it for £2 (including shipping).

The other thing to think about is forget about dieting and weight - can you focus on nourishing yourself? You're worth taking care of, and if you don't care for yourself you can't effectively care for others. It sounds like you've been putting yourself last to support those around you that you're now running on absolute empty in terms of health.

Can you focus on baby steps - 3 meals a day, focusing on health and nourishment (forget about calories). Lots of water between meals to hydrate yourself, we are basically mostly water after all! Think about what makes you feel healthy and glowing - and I bet chicken soup with veg, or pasta with peas and spinach, or a rice and veggie pilaf with a dollop of greek yoghurt will make you feel better and more nourished than anything with too much mayo.

You deserve nourishing, you're worthy and deserve the best!

Focus on nourishment. tell yourself you can eat what you like as long as you have already eaten 8 portions of veg 2-3 of fruit and drunk 2litres of water. After all those - crap is allowed.

Take supplements too - iron, B- complex, Vit D.

And add some strength training. There is loads of brilliant inspirational free content online. You can do chair exercises and lying down exercises to start if walking etc is too much. And swim. Find a quiet time at the pool and swim some lengths or walk some widths. Walking in water is great for your joints.

Give yourself loads of non-food treats - paint your nails, get your brows done, buy a puzzle magazine or a fitness one, or a beach read novel. Play music you love. Watch uplifting films, comedies etc. Learn how to self soothe and reward without food as the main focus.

Try hypnotherapy too. It works for some people. Again, there are some basic free sessions online so nothing to lose.

I was you 3 years ago.

I had a gastric sleeve.

I'm now 12st and so much happier and healthier. It's not easy but being fat, sad and unhealthy isn't either.

I've got no advice but just want send you a huge hug 🤗

how Many calories do you think you consume a day?
Do you get daily exercise?

I'm away to start it on the 24th (therapy). Been doing trauma stabilisation for few months and now they think I'm ready to do proper psychology therapy.

I definitely don't get daily exercise no. My daily steps tend to hover around 500-1000 with a good day being 4000. I stopped walking properly about 4 years ago and not really sure how to start again.

Normal diet is four slices of white bread with butter and jam for breakfast and two greek yoghurts, or biscuits. Lunch is whatever I can grab from the fridge or something bought when out. Tea is a pizza, or takeaway, or frozen food bunged in for 20 mins at 200 with chips. Cakes and sweets in between.

I'm terrible for getting Tesco ready meals, piles of sweets, cakes, McDonalds, fish and chips etc.

I do buy veg and fruit - but I'm terrible at actually making myself sit down and eat it.

I love swimming, I need to try and make myself go as I always feel better for it. I haven't been in ages.

In terms of surgery... if I could, I think I would. My cousin and her mum have both had gastric surgery and both said it's made a huge difference to their lives.

It's my tummy that's the worst - the overhang is bloody painful, even lifting it to wash in the shower is horrendous. I'm terrified I'm going to end up ill and not survive. I had covid recently and ended up on all sorts of meds as couldn't breathe well.

Sibling is in residential thankfully, but phones me 5-6 times a day with their worries and issues and meltdowns - a lot of them - and I need to fix them as best I can.

You know Love Actually the sibling in care who calls all the time so the character just gives up on her love interest. What you have written is very reminiscent of that. They are in a residential facility so are safe you need to not always pick up the phone. You can’t fix your sibling even with the best care and support some people will always be unwell.

Sounds horrible. I know that meds can make you eat loads.
Is there no way that you could binge on vegetables? I'm guessing it's a no.

In terms of surgery... if I could, I think I would. My cousin and her mum have both had gastric surgery and both said it's made a huge difference to their lives.

It's very likely you would be eligible for surgery on the NHS. Definitely one to talk to your GP about. Standard practice is that you are eligible with a BMI over 40 even without high BP or diabetes.

you said you gave up walking about 4 years ago. Why don't you just initially start doing a bit more of that between now and your counselling appointment? You say you sometimes do 4000 steps in a day so try and do that more days - everyday if you can. Even that little extra fresh air and exercise will make you feel you are taking positive steps.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/weight-loss-surgery/who-can-have-it/

I'd definitely talk to GP about this and not the MH team who might not be up to date on the NICE guidance

Oh love. Stop and take a deep breath.

I can hear you panicking and while I understand the panic isn’t going to help. So take some deep breaths and just try and slow down for a moment.

have you been assessed for ADHD? Many women get diagnosed with depression before ADHD. Many women with ADHD also struggle with food/weight. You don’t have to be hyperactive
to have ADHD. There is an inattentive type. You mention your sister is autistic so there is a family history of neurodiversity.

one of the treatments for ADHD is a stimulant which also has the side effect of reducing your appetite and reducing your desire to eat. In some
Countries Elvanse is also licensed to treat binge eating.

im just mentioning that in case it is helpful.

could you access Ozempic?

im also overweight and I know that sometimes when you get past a certain weight you need help.

I am sending you love and support ❤️

I would suggest contacting Overeaters Anonymous. You will get a lot of support from people who've been exactly where you are now as well as a complete life overhaul via their 12 step programme

One tip might be to not buy any ‘moreish’ foods, if they are not in the house you won’t be able to eat them.
Stop eating 4 slices of bread for breakfast, Have 2 slices of whole grain toast with a tiny bit of butter and a scraping of jam, try your best to skip lunch a few days a week,
You eat a lot of junk so your gut health is probably very poor which can contribute to weight gain so have a Yacult every day, I find that these do help.
You really need to start walking more, I like walking but only while listening to good up beat music so take your ear pods with you and listen to some 80s music while you walk
At least make some kind of start and as you slowly see the pounds come off that should spur you on to do more, don’t start some ridiculously strict low cal diet that you won’t be able to stick to, just start cutting back week by week and take it slowlly

I found it HIGHLY uncomfortable.

Very preachy. Church like. Chanting and hugging.

Couldn't wait to get out. Creeped me out.

My MH team said because I'm not yet diabetic, and my blood pressure is fine, they won't treat me on the NHS

By this I assume you mean gastric surgery?

You say you're 23 stone and gaining and the amount of food you are eating will certainly gain you more weight - I do hope you're not subliminally hoping to gain even more weight to bring about diabetes and high BP, because neither is inevitable even with very overweight people. Your MH team are wrong to say 'not yet diabetic' , you might never be.

I know someone who was 20-odd stone and always had perfect blood sugar levels and blood pressure.

The mayo bottles are obviously a huge problem.

Any way. You could cut back and have Greek yogurt instead?

You need four meals and no crap at all.

Can you order from hello fresh so meals are ready?

Or M&S healthy meals?

You are killing yourself slowly. Your sibling won't have anyone to help them.

Eggs and toast for breakfast. With tinned tomatoes and brown sauce.

Coffee

Coffee

Tuna salad for lunch.
Apples
Apples

Steak and salad for lunch

Homemade cakes

. No macD's ever. They do not fill you.

Dark chocolate. Berries. Greek yogurt.

Can someone watch over you for a whole day?

Prepare you healthy food. Not allow any macD's?

The weight will fall off you.
Can you go to weight watchers every week?

A bottle of Mayo has about the same calories as a pound in weight (3500), ditch the Mayo and that’s 52 pounds a year. I know it’s not as simple as that but it does make you think losing weight is doable.

If you’re interested in surgery, please feel free to pm me. I’ve lost almost 7 stones in 5 months via the Vitality insurance route-they pay 75% of the cost, you pay under £3K. There is a very helpful group here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/TheFriendliestGastricSleeveBypassGroupUK

Hi there! I know this is an older thread but I just wanted to say a couple of things in case they may be of some help🙏
First of all, you are a truly remarkable person: after all you've went trough (more on that later), you're taking care of your sibling and that is so beautiful... So you have a beautiful soul.
Second: speaking from experience (fellow obese woman here), you need to adress the underlying issues that your body has been trying to manage with food and weight. I mean childhood trauma (and it sounds like you experienced at least verbal abuse).
Of course the "purely physical" aspect of it is important (healthy habits, etc), but obesity has a fundamental psychological aspect to it that so many people can't grasp... Think of it as trying to protect yourself with an armour.
Lastly, I don't want to overstep, but there's a thread here that may be of help to recognise your own difficult upbringing (if, as I feel, there was one). The link is: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5135984-august-2024-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes?page=11&reply=137623108

I also wanted to add how important it is that you are aware of your situation and you feel your inner spark talking to you. You are very powerful 💖

I am so sorry that you have a lack of support from your mental health team, all because you don't have diabetes and your blood pressure is fine. What isn't fine is all the issues you are suffering with because of your weight - sleep apnoea and other physical effects.
Do you even get support for being a primary carer to your younger sibling? Like any time just for yourself, and having a break?
It very much sounds like you need therapy for how you were treated around food as a child. You didn't deserve to be shamed, or physically punished then. Perhaps you are struggling because if this trauma? You could be affected by having Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. (I say this speaking from personal experience). I am a Binge Eater, and am currently in recovery. I had to have CBT group therapy, from my local eating disorder charity. It really has made such a difference to me... My confidence/self esteem is better. I am happier in my own skin, no matter what I weigh. I was just over 17 stone around a year ago, and now weigh about 10 stone 9 lbs. (This is currently back into a weight okay for my height).
I found that it was all mindset, and challenging negative thoughts about myself. Also, by deliberately doing more nice things for myself that were social. None of these were 'food' related.
I worked through a book called 'Overcoming Binge Eating', and now I can see the unhelpful pattern I was following. I lost weight 2 times successfully with a weight loss group, only to put the weight back on & more. When losing weight, I became far too obsessed with trying to lose the weight through exercise... so gym/gym classes, cycling, running, and walking. Now, I know that whilst exercise is good for you generally, it's not recommended for Binge Eaters like me. So, I haven't done loads of exercise to lose weight, I have learnt new ways to eat.

I would always feel hungry and seek out food regularly, and in secret. I'd binge out of control on any foods, but mostly sugary stuff and fatty stuff. Now, I eat 3 meals a day. In between the main meals are 3 snacks. You can eat whatever you want, but having some protein was recommended. It keeps you fuller for longer. I have to eat every 2 and a half to 4 hours. I am now in control of my eating, rather than my eating in control of me. I will still eat cakes, chocolates, and sweets etc. for snacks, but only if I really want them, and at set times only. I have to weigh myself once a week, so I don't totally avoid scales. Also, so I don't become overly focused on my weight and Binge because I am unhappy about it. I also know my blood sugars are more stable, and certain health risks have been reduced.
Now I need to work personally more on the mental health/trauma stuff. I wish you the best. Keep pushing, until you get the support you need.